How to recover without help

Recently I’ve been struggling with obsessing about becoming depressed and not being able to control myself. It started when I was trying to be empathetic for my friends who are going through depression and suicidal thoughts. After hearing about all of that I started to obsess about those feelings. I bought books about how to not be depressed and listen to music that is anti depression. I’m so scared of becoming depressed and having any negative self harming thoughts. I was so scared of rope that was brought home, that I told my parental figure to remove the rope from the house out of the fear of harming myself. Hi my name is Anais, I am 15 years old and I go to a prep school. Currently I am on summer break.All of these feelings have all suddenly spiked during the summer. At school I had none of this. I am reaching out because I don’t know how to cope with these stressful feelings. I am scared of being depressed and self harming. Every day these what if thoughts about self harm are on my mind. Like example “what if I’m depressed” “ what if I’m like suicidal” and I become super afraid of myself. Do you have ways to cope. I think because of these obsessions I am slowly gonna actually be depressed and that scares me more. Like my mind is trying to put me in the shoes of someone else even though I know I’m not depressed. This literally spiked over summer. I have had obsessions before like constantly being scared that my throat was closing so I avoided foods that I didn’t regularly eat. I don’t know how I got over it. I constantly read books about depression, listen to podcast, and make sure I can do whatever I can to not be depressed. I also talk about my feelings to loved ones and friends all the time. I’m scared of being depressed. Does anyone have advice to overcome fear of harming themselves or advice for overcoming feelings that aren’t mine. My mind is trying to trick me into feeling sad so it can prevent me from feeling depressed ever.

Hey everyone. Long post, but just want some advice. I’ve had suicidal ocd, with some relationship & existential on the side lol, for about a year and a half. My suicidal ocd is pretty severe. I did a small amount of erp for a month or two, but then took a break. Last week I started an IOP program. I also take 10 mg of Prozac, and have for about 5 weeks. The first week of IOP was great. This week I have went downhill and feel like my ‘old ocd self’ again meaning heavily ruminating and seeking reassurance. My exposure today was standing near train tracks. It made me sad, and scared. I didn’t want to do it. I keep ruminating. I am absolutely terrified I will not get better. I’m scared I will get depressed and think life is not worth it. Thoughts constantly run through my head. I want to be here so bad, but I’m scared I am going to give up. I constantly worry I won’t be “happy” long term and I won’t recover. Can anyone give me some hope? I am scared I’m a lost caus. Any recovery stories? I’ve never had depression and I’m feeling a bit worried about myself from feeling tired and sad. I don’t know many people with suicidal ocd- I just want to know I can recover. Thanks for reading!

Does anyone else get the theme of fear of going crazy or into a psychosis ? I’ve been having that fear lately and it has been the worse ever. I’ve never had these thoughts before and I don’t know what triggered them that they won’t go way. I couldn’t eat for days from how scared I was of these thoughts. I keep having intrusive thoughts like what if you’re imagining it for example I was at TJ Maxx with my mom and I was looking for her and when I saw her a thought popped into my head like “what if that’s not her and your imagining it” it was so scary that I wanted to cry. Of course apart of me knows that’s not true but the thoughts keep popping up. I’m so scared and just want to be myself again. So if anyone has gone through this theme can you please tell me what helped you. I’ve also struggled with harm ocd, suicidal ocd and a lot of health anxiety. I can’t afford therapy so if yall have any recommendations on what helped your ocd please let me know. I’m so tired and feel so helpless. I want my life back.