My mum thinks i’m ungrateful

This is ruining every part of my life. The carpet on my staircase is old and pretty dirty, and there's dried mud on it. There's brown bits, which I'm convinced is cat poop and there's a good chance it could be because there have been multiple times my cat has had it stuck to her after going in the litter tray. It's impossible to clean so I don't try, and my parents don't probably because they don't see it's dirty and because it's such an old worn out thing anyway. So I wear slippers everywhere except my bedroom. Only, the other day I stepped somewhere contaminated in socks and then put my slippers back on, so now they're contaminated on the inside which defeats the whole point. So now, if I want to get into bed, I have to take my slippers off outside my door, and my socks, and I have to put new socks on, but if I do that I have to wash my hands again. Which means going to the bathroom. Which means putting the slippers on. Which means I'm contaminated again. I feel so sick and I want to cry. There are so many not hygienic things in my house, and it makes living with this so much harder. I tell myself that what I'm going through are compulsions and intrusive thoughts and obsessions but how can that be true if there's a very real chance the brown on my staircase is cat poop? How can it be true when it's my own fault because I'm too lazy to clean it and I'm too lazy to try fixing the issue when there are so many things stopping me and there are so many things not hygienic about the house. I want to cry, it's too much. I can't tell myself I'm being irrational when I'm being rational. I just can't keep doing this. I want to lay in bed until I feel better but I never feel better. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow about my ocd symptoms and thoughts but what am I meant to say? My house is a state and covered in mud on the carpet, and it sends me into multiple mental breakdowns a week? A day? Surely that's not ocd but instead is perfectly rational? I can't cope with any of this anymore, I want so badly to live in hygiene and cleanliness. It doesn't matter how hard I try, I'm never clean. I will never be clean. And I keep trying to tell myself that even if it's cat poop, it's not the end of the world. But I feel so ashamed. I feel dirty. I just want all of this to stop being so difficult.

Hi again :c I’ve been having terrible thoughts of hurting my loved ones I’ve stopped watching horror movies which is my favorite genre and can’t even watch or read anything related to violence even if it’s just a video or movie talking about it, I get triggered so fast I really miss feeling that relief with my mom I miss my mom so much and I just don’t know what to do anymore I almost committed last weekend from how scared I was and Ik your thinking will you try again? idk I’m not sure, one day I might say “no” next I’ll plan it out, but truth be told I don’t want to die I want to live a normal life, I want to stay with my mom and my family, I love my family and my grandma and my older brother..I’m so sick of feeling this feeling, I’m tired of arguing with my brain, I want to be with my mom and spend time with her like I used to, but I can’t stand that thought of hurting them it makes me shake and I feel this pain in my chest, my OCD has been trying to convince me all those crime docs and stuff I’m into turned me this way but that’s impossible since I’ve never thought like this before I’m just tired that’s all Idek know what I’m looking for saying this..prolly just to vent or to know if this will ever go away..

I had like a really bad argument with my mom basically about her complaining about my “attitude” and “constant arrogance” like okay firstly 😭 yes i do have an attitude and am irritable but im not THAT bad 😭🙏 she was saying that im a “pest” and that “its not enjoyable to live with someone who makes other people miserable” like 😅🧍‍♀️ oh ☺️ and then i tell her that i know im struggling and that im going to therapy to try to get better and trying to possibly get a diagnosis and she says “your generation just wants something to deal with. You want something to be wrong with you. ‘Trying to get better’ isn’t good enough… would you be able to stand someone like yourself? You’re just choosing this antisocial, narcissistic behaviour and harass everyone… You need to pull yourself together. No matter how much effort we put into you, you will never be happy. You want some medicine? Some diagnosis? Because that will solve everything?” 😭😭😭 and the way she said “some medication”- she sounded so disgusted and appalled and now i feel ashamed… i mean im not officially diagnosed with ocd and it is never my intention to self diagnose- but im sorry its VERY obvious when you have ocd and know of ocd- its so distinct. Everything- the compulsions, reassurance, intrusive thoughts, themes, patterns, perfectionism- but she has me overthinking- what if i dont have ocd 😭 and ive just been lying to myself and everyone maybe its not ocd and im just sick in the head or trying to self sabotage- and especially when my supposed ocd is calm or not as loud i get so anxious “what if i dont have ocd…”