Elicambel

Date posted: 1y

intimacy,consent and boundaries

so recently i’ve got into a relationship with someone who i love dearly and deeply care about but my OCD has now latched onto consent and boundaries, also i have a massive fear of “what if i pressure her or make her feel pressured” wether unintentionally or intentionally, ive been compulsively asking chat GPT about consent, boundaries and that kind of thing, and im so scared, i would never want my girlfriend to feel uncomfortable, i’ve told her about this and i said how scared i am about it but ive told her that if i ever do please tell me, but what if she doesn’t because she’s worried if i spiral? i’ve told her though if i ever do please let me know, also before our first kiss i keep going over everything that was said or that i did, and im so scared that what if i made her feel pressured or anything, i asked her afterwards and she said not at all but im still scared. I don’t want this to ruin our relationship, also another fear is “what if i miss one of her non verbal cues of her being uncomfortable or something like that. also before we kissed i asked her are you sure like 5 times and she said yes she wanted to, but then i told chatGPT about it and it said i could of pressured her by asking that, i know i shouldn’t if told chatGPT and im trying to stop, but this is so overwhelming for me, like what if i said something that made her feel pressured? obviously i would never intentionally do that, but im really scared to be intimate with her. and even if we are just holding hands or hugging my OCD says im doing something wrong, i truly can’t tell if im overthinking it or not, and, im just posting this to see if anyone can relate or share some advice because im truly stuck and feel like im going to pass out with the stress, guilt and anxiety, im so scared.

moez

Date posted: 1y

Does she know you have OCD?

Elicambel

Date posted: 1y

@moez yes she does :)

moez

Date posted: 1y

@Elicambel I would just be really upfront about how much this is distressing you. Really try to get her to understand that you can’t stop obsessing and it’s not something you are doing by choice, but a symptom. You’re not a bad person! I can assure you, someone who doesn’t care about consent would not be even looking it up to make sure. I know it’s hard but really try to fight those compulsions, but it really is the way out of this and continuing to feed it will only give you more reasons to obsess about the same subjects. You’re definitely “ overthinking it” but that’s not your fault, and it’s part of our disorder! Meditation, mindfulness exercises, and clear up front communication should help you get some relief!

Elicambel

Date posted: 1y

@moez thankyou so much for this, it’s helped a lot, i have told her and how much it distresses me and she understands and she said she loves how concerned i am about it and how it makes her feel very respected and cared for but im so glad she understands, i do need to speak to a therapist about this, i cant afford one right now so im not sure what to do, but im trying, also thankyou again for you reply 🫶

moez

Date posted: 1y

@Elicambel I am in a group on another platform that has some therapists in it, if you wanted that maybe they could give you some advice? I know many of them push mindfulness though!

Elicambel

Date posted: 1y

@moez that sounds great thankyou, what’s the platform?

moez

Date posted: 1y

@Elicambel https://www.skool.com/the-ocd-advantage-7537 is the link to the group! https://www.adrian.edu/files/assets/overcomingyourocdtherapyassignmentworkbook.pdf I also wanted to add this for you. It’s a lot but it is basically what I follow for my ERP therapy with my therapist. There are different strategies and mindfulness exercises in there for you!

Elicambel

Date posted: 1y

@moez thankyou so so much 💗

Cortina

Date posted: 1y

Little bit of a rant.. I’m 55.. formidable from the era of hard pressed women’s lib movement.. they taught girls to discredit boys and emasculated men.. brainwashed kids.. basically.. all of the fear that media has placed on sexual harassment.. I can understand why anyone would become hyper paranoid about things like this.. so.. with that.. it’s ok to be smart.. and frankly, in today’s times.. necessary; a partner who is compassion and cares about you.. and whatever your fear may be, I imagine.. would have no problem making that agreement with you..

Elicambel

Date posted: 1y

@Cortina thankyou for explaining more, but when you say like a consent agreement what do you mean by that? do you mean writing something on paper?

Cortina

Date posted: 1y

@Elicambel Yes.. a little mutual agreement.. signed and dated by both

Cortina

Date posted: 1y

Please don’t take this as odd.. But, what about a simple practical solution. A consent agreement.. simple and written.. love, anyhow, will prevail regardless ( I’m female and would absolutely sign something like this to be with the man I love).. but.. something simple like this may help alleviate your fear.. so you can relax. Sounds like you have a fear of being accused?

Elicambel

Date posted: 1y

@Cortina i have a massive fear of making her feel uncomfortable, and also what do you mean by a consent agreement that’s written?

Cortina

Date posted: 1y

@Elicambel Perhaps for starters.. write out what it is you want from intimacy… write yourself a great exciting storyline.. exhaust some of your enthusiasm on paper.. maybe that will help.. for starters Re: consent. Is your fear.. of being accused?.. or rejected?

Elicambel

Date posted: 1y

@Cortina i think i understand better, im still a little confused though, im sorry 😔

Cortina

Date posted: 1y

@Elicambel It’s okay.. at one time I was able to afford excellent treatment, and, when I can, am happy that I’m now able to help others

charlotte.23

Date posted: 25w

fear my girlfriend dislikes me/is mad at me etc

just wondering if anyone has any advice for this as i’m genuinely going insane. i’ve been in a happy long term relationship but the past few months we’ve gotten incredibly closer and my girlfriend is my everything. as a result, my ocd now revolves around that and her and a million times a day i convince myself she doesn’t like me, she’ll leave, she’s annoyed at me etc. we’re both quite anxious and insecure people so anytime she brings up and insecurity or something she’s worried about relationship wise, i instantly spiral and feel incredibly guilty thinking that it is my fault, have panic attacks and so on. she reassures me a lot but any slight change in behaviour or tone triggers this whole spiral and i think all the good reassuring things she said were not true. this has been going on for a while but it has now been three nights in a row and i don’t know how much more i can take. im also scared its not just ocd and that she actually does hate me, at least in these moments any advice/suggestions are appreciated :)

Relationship OCD

geminileo

Date posted: 25w

Not doing well (vent)

Hi, I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been struggling for the past month, it’s been a mix of ocd flare ups and depressive episodes. I recently got into a new relationship, one I was not expecting at all as I had just broken up with my long term boyfriend over the summer and was expecting the cycle of being alone for a few years and then dating again. But anyways, my current boyfriend is amazing and so caring and sweet, I told him before we even started dating about my ocd and how I sometimes need constant reassurance and that it can be a lot to deal with it and that I can become clingy and annoying and he didn’t even bat an eye, he just said he likes me as I am and that he will be able to help and support me. We’re dating long distance rn as I’m finishing up college but we constantly text and video chat/call almost every night. My ocd has been constantly gnawing at that and it’s causing my abandonment issues to flare up horribly, I’ve told him a little bit about my ex boyfriend as he was not a very good person, he was much older than me (12 years) and at the start of our relationship he was amazing and said he could deal with my mental health issues (I know no one is obligated at all) but I would communicate to him that it scares me when he doesn’t talk to me for weeks at a time, and at first he said he would try to be better about that but then it turned into him saying I’m annoying and clingy and that I bother him and that he just wants alone time but during that alone time I wouldn’t hear from him at all for two weeks. He also stopped caring about my interests and said I was annoying when I would talk about them and would even get mad when I tried to talk about my day. Anyways being in this new relationship has caused me to fear that my current boyfriend is going to leave me, lost interest in me or that he’s annoyed with me and hates me, which unfortunately has caused me to give into my compulsion of reassurance so I’ve been asking him a lot “do you still like me?” “We’re still together right?” “Have I annoyed you?” And I hate myself for doing that. He is so sweet and I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to drain him, i genuinely have never felt this way about anyone I’ve dated but it’s like he was meant to be in my life and we clicked instantly like it felt like we’ve known each other forever and I don’t want to lose him. My avoidance is getting bad and I’m trying to stop myself from pushing him away but I just feel so guilty and ughhhh it’s so frustrating. I just don’t know how to handle this, I want to be with him and I want to make him happy but I hate that my brain works this way.

shopgirl

Date posted: 18w

New relationship and OCD spike

I’ve been really struggling the last week and I need some help. I’ve been seeing a guy for about 2 months who checks a lot of my relationship boxes. He’s so kind and we have a lot of fun together. The first few weeks I was totally smitten but had moments of fear about being committed. We talked about it and decided to take things slowly, and then I would have days of feeling like every thing was perfect with some fearful feelings in between. Two weeks ago now my SO-OCD and ROCD started to come back a little as well as my more anxious-avoidant behaviors. I started to get more scared of the future and it was more intense. At the end of last week, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. He is exactly the type of person I see myself marrying and has great values and is so secure about me. Until last week, he generally made me feel so safe and secure. Ever since saying yes, I feel so scared and anxious and my SO-OCD and ROCD is on max. I also find myself getting more annoyed and irritated about things that were minor annoyances or non-issues before. I’m having intense physical responses to both OCD themes, and the nagging thought and feeling that I need to end things with him because we aren’t right for each other. It makes me feel so sad and guilty. Sex is becoming harder because of the thoughts too, whereas at first it was perfect. I don’t know who I can talk to about this without them telling me to just break up with him. Everything is so new so I think they’d chalk it up to my intuition. But I do want to be in love and have less fear around relationships, so I don’t want to give into the fear. I think it could help me to set boundaries and have space for myself more often. I think I need some advice or insight. I know I shouldn’t ask for reassurance, but having some around how other people have felt at the beginning of a relationship would help. Why is it that the label is freaking me out so much? How do you guys set boundaries to prioritize yourself when you feel this way?

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