PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

Suicidal intrusive thoughts.

I dont want to put this on the suicidal ocd subtype cause it might not be that idk... this whole 2 years i felt really good, i could say that these were almost my best years, i was viewing all this as ocd and i was avoiding the fear so it didnt beaten me down. I didnt realized all this was compulsion tho, i was compulsively avoiding my emotions and intrusive thoughts. I did acknowledged them but i avoided to work with them or think about them, or let then fully be cause then it wouldve make me stuck. However life happens, and i got depressed because of an event that happened. I accepted it. The sadness wasnt a problem, i had problem with stress and physical symptoms that made me feel afraid that somrthing wrong will happen to my health. After time it crushed me and i developed panic attacks. Today i struggled. But i let all be. I let all the thoughts and feelings be. And then i started having thoughts that i really dont like. Just randomly a thought popped up "the world is bad" that made me depressed. I dont want to accept that this is what i believe, cause its just popped up when i felt low... But i accepted it and the more i accepted the bad thoughts to come, the more it lead me to the suicidal intrusive thoughts. These arent thoughts that i want, i experience great distress and panic that i will act on them. This is why i dont want to deal with these. Im so afraid that i will act on them. In the past i know i had them so agressively that i thought its just moments and i will act on it cause of the high emotions(not like wanted to,like losing control). This is so hard to deal with...its not ocd but also im afraid of them and i cant face them... But bc its not ocd im questioning if i will need someone to stay with me when im facing these problems cause i will be dangerous... also i did had killing thoughts too that i was so afraid of. And these thought made feel so much shame that it streghtened the suicidal thoughts, which made me also afraid that im in danger of hurting myself. This will be really hard to face with. The feelings and the thoughts too. Just facing all the depressive thoughts that i had and thinking "where it comes from" scares me cause im afraid it will lead me to a place where im actually want to kms... so if you have time please pray for me. I want to get better. This is really scary to me, i will need support. I just cant put this on the s-ocd group, but i wouldnt want to say that im suicidal either cause these thoughts are intrusive to me. I dont know where to put this cause every doctor says people with ideation want the thoughts and dont feel scared by them. So i will just be in the middle relating to neither... Im also not accepting that im suicidal, maybe its a compulsion but i dont want to... Thanks for reading this.

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

I will pray for you!

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

Your not alone in this❤️

Cortina

Date posted: 1y

Your post brings images to mind of fear of Perishing?

Brooke cookie

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

As some who has suicidal ocd this sounds like suicidal ocd. I I had a relapse about a year ago as my depression and stress about trying to figure out how to be a young adult caused me to develop that type of OCD. I wonder if depression in someone that has OCD is the main cause of this type of OCD that does seem to be with a lot of people who develop this kind of obsession have going on and I wonder if it’s a fear that because you’re depressed that you’re possibly suicide or something like that. I’m sorry that you’re struggling with this type of OCD. It is really scary. I highly recommend looking up how to treat OCD and treat this as a ocd.

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

As i work through more i realize i have self hate and sometimes that self hate generates these suicidal thoughts or harm thoughts. I never acted on them but im afraid that i will some day. Also im hard with myself now that i know i have self hate and sometimes i cant change it to love. It sure needs time. I dont think people with ocd has these thoughts bc of self hate.

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

@PRIV8 Sometimes the self hate gets so strong that i get stuck with it, and then these thoughts are really strong that i feel like i will act on it if i dont avoid that. Idk where this journey will take me, i just know that im afraid of that situation but i feel like i need to face that and that means that it might turn out i was desperately suicidal...

Brooke cookie

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@PRIV8 I also have low self esteem and get mad at myself. I think having some kind of self hate or being mad at yourself is a normal part of having depression and suicidal ocd.

Brooke cookie

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@PRIV8 This type of ocd is very intense and can cause serious issues if not treated. I highly recommend looking up how to treat OCD .also seeing a therapist if you can afford it ,I understand that everyone can but if you can I think it would be a great purchase for yourself. seeing a therapist through this app greatly helped me understand how to treat OCD. I feel that my life is been significantly easier after treating my OCD properly. I wish you the best and I’m sorry that you’re struggling.

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

@Brooke cookie Its also a sign of suicidal ideation too... im not saying you have that, im just dont want to say to myself i have ocd cause i feel like you have thoughts like "what if i do that, what if one day i end my life". I have thoughts when im so low like "i want to die, i dont want to live, i cant handle this..." i dont want to act on these but im afraid of it. But sometimes it gets so bad that im not afraid of it i just feel bad about it..

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

@PRIV8 I had a thought that said "i dont want to get better, i want to give up" and if i accept these it just makes me closer to suicidal.thoughts... I dont like these thoughts but they might mean something

Brooke cookie

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@PRIV8 I see , it can be hard to tell the difference between the two sometimes. You writing about this on the app is a sign you want help and are afraid of death at some level. If you can go see a therapist ,if it is ideation I think that will help you. I have had depression since fifth grade I have been told my brain does not make as much dopamine as others and I’ve tried medication to help with it which I feel has helped me a little bit and it might help you as well if you wanna look into that. I wish I had better advice. It’s pretty hard to deal with these kinds of things. I wish you the best and I’m sorry you are going through this either way.

Brooke cookie

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@PRIV8 I have had fears about these kinds of thought being true myself. Suicidal ocd is about the fear that you want to die by killing yourself. I can’t say for sure what you have going on but I think getting some kind of mental health help will greatly help you in this situation.

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

@Brooke cookie It still feels hard to accept and im really scared... and even scared that one day i wont be scared of it

Brooke cookie

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@PRIV8 I get it. I definitely have felt terrified of having similar thoughts. I’m sorry that you’re struggling.

marcygirl23

Date posted: 49w

@PRIV8 I have suicidal ocd. The “scared one day I won’t be scared” is the ocd talking

cows12465

Date posted: 24w

suic. ocd advice?

so I need to get back into ERP, but it’s so hard to manage these thoughts and learn to deal with them. like I swear my mind has to make everything about it. Like every time I clean my room, my mind’s like yup make sure it’s clean so when your parents find you, or something so stupid like if I get a headache, my mind convinces me that I like the pain and that that’s why I get my thoughts because I actually want to do it. It’s so exhausting. Because I know I would never want to take my life and I treasure my life so why does it do it to me? It’s hard to comprehend the fact of these thoughts too because I don’t know many people with this exact theme. It’s such a scary feeling. And I’m constantly questioning whether I have actual depression or if it’s just my OCD. Yes I have been diagnosed with suicidal OCD, but my mind still tries to convince me otherwise. I just don’t know how to let these just sit and pass without panicking.

PRIV8

Date posted: 24w

This illness brings up intrusive feelings

I was told that this illness that im having now(some say its some kind of covid) is attacking people where they are the most sensitive, so it got my mental health and at first it was the fear of my health which im starting to face but now it got deeper and i have feelings of hopelessness and like a depressed feelings and thoughts like things wont get better. And i dont know where this comes from, im afraid this is actually what i believe. Dont know if its ocd or the illness actually made these problem come up what was pushed away by me... When i have these feelings my first reaction is fear and i dont know if its something i shouldnt give attention or the fear is actually bad and it makes me avoid the problem, so i should work on this depression... I dont know whats happening but its scarry and i dont like these dark thoughts. I think i suffer more because of the fear and shame of these thoughts but again i dont know if the fear and shame shows me that i dont need to give attention to these thoughts or the fear and shame actually blocks me to deal with these thoughts and feelings...

samlovesjesus

Date posted: 20w

rough few weeks

man these few weeks have been so hard. i’m in the process of getting diagnosed with ocd, im almost positive i have it because everything on here relates to me on an insane level. but im just so scared dude. these thoughts of me harming someone are so scary and im so scared im gonna eventually act on them and i know i never want to but its still so scary. like sometimes when i talk to my mom about it i think in the back of my head “you know you want to” when i dont, and it makes me think or gets me scared that i do. these thoughts literally just happened out of nowhere and it messes me up so bad my literal perspective on life in general is just messed up. like i view life as its more common to be a bad person and its rare/hard to be good. can someone please just pray for me or just wish me better days. i dont even like looking at myself anymore and im scared i give off creepy vibes to myself or others now, this sucks so much

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Suicidal intrusive thoughts.

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