Please somebody respond :(

Hi! Just got this app. I don't have an OCD diagnosis, but I have some traits, such as a constant obsession over a topic that causes me distress. Like, fears. It's been pedophilia, racism, global warming, death, secrets I've kept, suicide... Basically everything I don't like the idea of. Now, it's the obsession of my dad passing away. I've come to the realization that if my dad died right now - I'd have to move in with my mom, 2,000 miles away from home. Not only would I lose my district scholarship, which would ruin my plans of going to college, but the room at my mom's house would not be big enough to house all of my belongings, so I'd have to get rid of most my stuff. All of my dad's belongings (books, video games, clothes) wouldn't fit either. Not that my mom would be pleased with me showing up with all of my dad's stuff (they're divorced and not on speaking terms.) I try to counteract these thoughts with things like "dad is not under an active threat" or "even if dad died, I'd figure it out." But I'm still plagued with little jabs from my brain about it. Yesterday, my dad expressed his excitement for this year. He's gotten a new job, we're making more money, we're happy - having the last few years be ruined by my mom running away and other fun things along those lines; we deserve to be excited about this new opportunity. But then he said: "I think this year is gonna be our year." As his daughter, I should be thinking "yeah!" or "right on!", but the only thing that came to my mind was in season 4 of Stranger Things when Eddie Munson says "It's my year, '86, baby!" Before getting eaten by demobats in the upside down. This morning, while driving to school, my dad expressed his happiness about the VaultBoy bobblehead on the dash standing up (there's a magnet on the dashboard that helps him stand, and in our old car, it always fell over.) I just said normal things like "yeah, that's cool, I'm glad." But my mind told me "if dad died right now, would you have time to grab the bobblehead to keep to remember him?" which led to "if dad died right now, would you have time to say goodbye?" I try to push the thoughts away because I tell myself I'm gonna jinx it, and thinking about it manifests it. I try journaling and justifying why none of this would happen, but the thing is; if my dad died, I really would have to move in with my mom, wether I like it or not. I would lose my scholarship, wether I like it or not. Another thought process I have is: "I'd never expect it if my dad died, because in all the stories, it happens when you least expect it." It's like I'm playing a game with my brain, just waiting for the timing of circumstances to lead my dad to his death. I think about it - I manifest it, I don't think about it - it's gonna happen because I'm not prepared. How can I cope with this?

I kind of doubt this is intrusive thoughts. I hope it is, but I somewhat doubt it. I have a prayer obsession that has been driving me CRAZY. I have spent like 10+ hours a day thinking about this, and there seems like no end in sight. I believe I’ve prayed for some bad things and meant it, partly as a result of this, so I’m stuck in this cycle and can’t accept uncertainty with it. When I was incredibly desperate during one of my classes and suicidal, the one thing stopping me from doing it, was that my parents would be devastated. I almost, I believe had the genuine urge to pray that they would die in a way that wasn’t my fault. I’m not even talking about intrusive thoughts. Unfortunately, the ocd did play one factor. It somewhat neutralized it, to say that in the conditions of the prayer, I could not be morally responsible at all for praying for it or the outcome. So this was something at that moment I somewhat wanted. I resisted, but came very close, which is disturbing. At the moment it happened and had that urge, I was so bad off that I felt like there was no hope (I wanted to do it when I got back from class, although I didn’t cause it’s scary), and I needed an escape. Unfortunately, this was the escape my mind presented. It also presented another escape that I believe has actually become something that I now view as an escape. I was worried about making a racist prayer in the beginning of the prayer obsession. My mind presented to me the scenario: “if all people of color suddenly died, you would feel so guilty, you would attempt suicide.” My mind also neutralized it to say if it happened, it could happen in a way that I wouldn’t be morally responsible at all for, including the prayer (which makes no sense). I believe I have thought of this so much, that not only has it become something I’ve started to see as an escape, but the worry about praying for it has actually made that particular situation something that stands out as an escape. The more I worry about it, the more guilty I’d feel if something like that happened (which obviously never will), so when thinking of escapes, that and the thing about my parents are in the forefront of my mind. I believe possibly my mind has driven me crazy to the point where I am actually capable of praying for these things. I have also had the urge to pray for things like world war 3 as an escape. I know it wouldn’t normally happen beyond ocd driving me crazy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t mean it.

TW Religious ocd This is very confusing. I have severe religious meta OCD, and it’s making my mind go to bad places. With meta ocd there are multiple layers to it and it becomes complicated. Prayer can be basically both used to express desire and as a test, and it is REALLY confusing. This is probably triple or quadruple meta ocd pr even more but I’ll do my best to explain. During the prayer obsession I’ve had, I convinced myself I prayed for bad things (it was probably more ocd than I realized). One thing ocd would do is present scenarios of things I wanted that I wouldn’t normally pray for to basically create a lot of ambiguity. It also found loopholes such as praying to pray for things. One of the things I would do while praying for things I’d want is praying to die. This is I guess already a gray area, cause I’m sure god wouldn’t be happy, but at the same time, it’s something I established I wanted and prayed for. It could be like I was running on the trail and I’d see a fox and pray it attacked me and mean it. The issue is, in reality, I wouldn’t really want a fox to attack me that much. I wrote about that as an example and there was a therapist who was probably right who said the prayer could be both a testing ground and to express desire. OCD realized that if it could get a bad prayer in that, it could be bad, since they said “and express desire.” Another issue with this is a fox attack isn’t the most desirable thing. So then today, my brain thought of something else: what about a bee attack. Same thing. I prayed and meant that, and then it instantly jumped to something that could affect not just me but other people: world war 3. The ocd is so complex that I have that the way out is likely just allowing myself to pray for whatever I want regardless of how bad it is and letting god ignore it. So I did the same thing with world war 3, and some other bad things my brain hand picked, meant it in that moment, felt bad, and then that whole thing was gone. I also prayed to pray for it. Essentially, I prayed through magical thinking (I know it makes no sense. Praying through magical thinking makes it easier to do and that’s why my brain came up with that). After it was done, I had no desire for any of those prayers. I’m confused because there are so many layers, and I technically prayed for something bad. Unfortunately, if I don’t pray for that thing, I’ve prayed for so many things like that, and it could cause issues. I could wonder why I prayed for stuff like that in the past. So I can’t walk away easily. I might just have to let myself do bad prayers, get it out, hopefully it fixes my brain, and move on with my life. What I hate too is for the prayer to die, my brain selects whatever way I could die that would either hurt the most people or be relate to whatever I was afraid of it relating to. If I don’t do it, I start to ruminate about why I did it in the past. But essentially, with this specific part, it’ll almost bait me by starting off with a prayer for a fox to attack or something, move to something else somewhat less desirable, and then whatever thing it hand picked that could hurt others. And it all feels similar.