PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

I welcomed the thought and it made me feel happy

Sorry i keep making posts about this, i cant go to my therapist until next week cause he is on vacation now. Im so scared right now. I watched videos all day about suicidal intrusive thoughts and i tried to welcome the intrusive thought as just a thought and let it go, but when i put the fighting down and welcomed it it made me feel happy or comforted. Like you know people say those are in danger who feel comforted by suicidal thoughts. And i felt that in the past too. I feel more like my fear and shame is what makes me lie to myself. The thought made me feel good... i feel so bad about it now. I know i shouldnt beat myself over this but what to do now? I feel like this might be a danger... lying isnt help me cause it made me feel how it made me feel i cant lie about that... i feel so shameful about this. I shouldnt be i know but in my mind i just want to know that im safe and not actually suicidal but i feel bad cause its not true tho...

Jake T

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

I was in the same exact position you were in I know the exact feeling that you're having it's a very strange feeling to feel some sort of joy about something terrible. The fact of the matter is that maybe you do want to commit suicide maybe you don't, but what's more likely is that you're happy that you were letting the thought in. It's very hard to do but you know it's the right direction and that makes you happy and it may not feel right but it's never going to feel 100% right. You're never going to have a moment where in the peak of an OCD spike you're going to go oh it's all fine Don't worry about it. It's all gradual and takes time. Suicidal OCD is weird but it is the same as every other subtype. The reason you are experiencing suicidal OCD is because it attacks your worst fears.

Jake T

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

I promise you can get through it just keep going through it and let the thought come in then learn to not compulse just to let the thought hangout as long as it wants and you don't have to say anything to it.

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

Are you sure its suicidal ocd. Im not asking for reassurance you dont need to respond to that im just asking you to think about it. I realized i have self hate, negative beliefs about life like if i dont enjoy life whats the point, i cant deal with problems whenever i have a bigger problem i think i want to die(not like i want to think that) and im sure there are other problems like unloving, cant nurture myself and these are signs of suicidal ideation. People with suicidal ocd might have fear of death in the behind but all they say is what if. None of them feel comfort or has these beliefs about life. I feel like the problem is that i dont accept fully im suicidal bc of shame and thats why i dont get help...

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

@PRIV8 Also the depressive thoughts that i experience sometimes over this, people who are suicidal relate more to it than people with ocd...

Jake T

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

There are two pieces here first is that just the OCD telling you that? Is it just another test because your letting it rule your life? Also what is making you unhappy about life? If it's the thoughts that your having then it might be OCD. Also OCD is fucking depressing no one will say it's easy or it's not to bad. It sucks when your first learning how to deal with it. The amazing part is you can learn how to let the fire burn out.

Jake T

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

I have suicidal OCD and would get thoughts of "I want to die" or "I'm going to commit suicide" I had scenes of how it could happen in my head. The thing is when I would have thoughts like that I would feel distress. If you are having thoughts about suicide and it doesn't give you distress then it's most likely not OCD

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

I can never decide if i like it or not, i was on therapy with this before and the therapist said its suicidal thoughts cause i want to avoid pain but i developed ocd around it too, so this haunted me for a year and i feel like its true. Like the suicidal thoughts are real cause it comes up when i have a problem, when i dont want to suffer and i have self hate too... but ocd is just there to distract me, dealing with that wont help me.

Jake T

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

But the reason your here is because you are in distress because of these thoughts. "(Not like I want to think that)". OCD is very depressing and can make us feel like there is no hope and especially when you have suicidal OCD that becomes a thought in your head. But you have to acknowledge it let it hang out in your brain and learn to go maybe it will happen and let that fear sink in. Then do nothing. Don't do anything to make yourself feel better just sit with the fear I know you can do it. Then OCD attacks itself quite viciously and it backs off over some time.

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

The problem is that if i ignore then more thoughts come like i can handle this, i dont want to suffer, i want to die... this sounds more like an ideation. I used to get angry that i just push it away and then the anger generates more self hate and more suicidal thoughts that i deserve this and that...

Jake T

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

Couple things first I'm not at all say ignore the thoughts. You have to accept them. Second most people get more intense and intrusive thoughts when they start to accept them. This is OCD trying to fight back. Have you told your therapist all of this?

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

Yes and she told me what i wrote down before that this is ideation cause i want to avoid the pain but i developed ocd too around it like a protecting shield. It haunts me since then cause i get in situation where i see what she said. Everytime i suffer with something i jump to i want to die and then ocd kicks in cause i dont want to accept it.

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

@PRIV8 When i think about losing someone or getting cancer and i need to go through the pain, i quickly jump to i will kms cause i will not handle the pain. And with the urge(idk if i mentioned i feel urges) its just feels like im in danger

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

@PRIV8 When i read about urges here people say you FEEL like you have an urge but actually you dont have just the mind made it up. But when i read about people who actually feel urges, i felt related more to that

Jake T

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@PRIV8 I see well then the first thing you need to do is learn that you can handle it. Look at where you are now. Your still here.

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

@Maybe it will happen. I just need to work on the shame... i still wish it would be just ocd.

Jake T

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@PRIV8 Well don't get confused now I think it is just OCD. OCD makes many people actually suicidal because of how it makes us feel. I could have been suicidal at times when I was going through my fight with OCD. But as I got control of my life and concured it my depression and by extension any thought suicide went down.

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

@Maybe it will happen. I ment the suicidal thoughts.

FaithSheagren

Date posted: 25w

Intrusive thoughts about intrusive thoughts

Hi everyone. I’ve been doing therapy for about two months now and I would say it’s slowly helping me a lot. I explained to her the breathing techniques and “sitting in the anxiety for a bit” and I feel like those are helping. But then my therapist said “don’t sit in the thought because then you might act on it”. I don’t “sit in the thought” but rather i sit in the anxiety to comdition my brain into thinking it’s not a threat. But ever since yesterday, my therapy appointment, I’ve been really shooken up. Even though I don’t “sit in the thought” I feel like a bad person that she even had to bring it up even though I explained it wrong. I’m so upset I feel like I just took 3000 steps back from my progress and this little thing is really scaring me. Am I a bad person? I don’t want to act on any of my thoughts and it scares me so bad I hate living.

PRIV8

Date posted: 24w

This illness brings up intrusive feelings

I was told that this illness that im having now(some say its some kind of covid) is attacking people where they are the most sensitive, so it got my mental health and at first it was the fear of my health which im starting to face but now it got deeper and i have feelings of hopelessness and like a depressed feelings and thoughts like things wont get better. And i dont know where this comes from, im afraid this is actually what i believe. Dont know if its ocd or the illness actually made these problem come up what was pushed away by me... When i have these feelings my first reaction is fear and i dont know if its something i shouldnt give attention or the fear is actually bad and it makes me avoid the problem, so i should work on this depression... I dont know whats happening but its scarry and i dont like these dark thoughts. I think i suffer more because of the fear and shame of these thoughts but again i dont know if the fear and shame shows me that i dont need to give attention to these thoughts or the fear and shame actually blocks me to deal with these thoughts and feelings...

lu22

Date posted: 23w

Suffering a lot, need advice, have no therapy 🙁🙁

I feel like this time I can’t pick myself back up. It felt too real like I don’t even belive it wasn’t real I fully feel like it was my own feeling and I genuinely felt that. I had stabbing intrusive thoughts, I imaginined it on purpose to test my reaction and then it felt like I know how it feels to physically do that action (stab someone) and I like how it feels then I was getting these urge feelings and it felt like I wanted it and then I was imagining the thoughts again about stabbing someoneI care about multiple times and then It suddenly felt like I was really happy about the thought and almost like I really enjoyed it and realised why evil people enjoy doing these things like I felt what they felt like I’ve discovered a ‘thrill’ feeling of doing that evil thing and I can’t get over it I can’t figure out why it felt like that and now I’m thinking because it felt like I liked it and it felt good I will be curious about being evil or want to be evil to feel that feeling again and it’s really messed up and I don’t know what to do everytime I think about it it feels like there is actually something wrong with me I no longer have anxiety or feel really worried about the thoughts I feel numb and that feeling is really making me feel bad like I can’t live normally now it feels like I am actually evil now and I don’t even know if I have morals or if i would be evil or not. Normally with my thoughts no matter how real it’s felt I’ve managed to convince myself why I had a certain feeling and why it’s not real and why I’m a good person but this time it actually feels like that feeling was from me and I actually felt really happy and enjoyed or got a thrill from the idea of doing that horrible thing like I can’t even say it feels real because I’m thinking it is real I don’t know what to do 🙁🙁I’ve had ocd for a few years but don’t get anxious anymore and this feels like I’m actually bad or would want to do it because of that feeling

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I welcomed the thought and it made me feel happy

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