Probably Not OCD Related

I’ve been struggling in life in general pretty much this whole year so far. But this week I started thinking about my POCD more and I always try to push through it and go about my day and not let my fears take over. Today my sister randomly told me she’s pregnant. She’s 25 and her boyfriend is 20 and they’ve only been together for a few months. I’m incredibly disappointed and angry with her because it comes off as being so selfish. She can’t take care of herself (neither can he) but they still decide to have a baby. I’m upset. But now I’m also incredibly scared. It’s putting me in a position of having to not only be around but help take care of a baby/kid. I’ve always thought about how one day I’m gonna have to deal with it, but I figured it was later in the future to when I feel more confident in handling my ocd. I also felt that if I were to have to be around a baby/kid all the time that I could mentally spiral and end up killing myself. I hate to make her pregnancy about me but I truly think that in the near future I could possibly get so bad that I come to that point of killing myself. I don’t know if I can handle this right now. I’m scared of how bad I could get. I barely survived the last time and I never had to constantly be around kids. But the times that I had to were the most dreadful times in my life. Of course I’ve gotten better but I still don’t want to be in these scary situations so often. And with her having a kid then I’ll have to be. I don’t think I’m strong enough to constantly push away my fears.

Hey everyone, I’m going through something that really shook me up and triggered my OCD. Today I was talking to my mom about how people in our family have been talking badly about my cousin, who’s 17 and pregnant. I haven’t told my cousin anything about what they’re saying, because I don’t want to add any stress to her. I’ve honestly tried to protect her from all the drama. But then my mom told me to be careful about what I say to her, because she’s really worried my cousin could have a miscarriage from stress. She said if that happened and I had told my cousin anything, it would be my fault. I think my mom meant it out of concern, like she just wants to protect my cousin—but the way she said it came off as really harsh and it hurt me. Especially because I’ve never said anything to my cousin and I would never want to cause her any stress. Now my OCD is grabbing onto that fear. Even though I haven’t done anything wrong, it’s making me feel like, “What if something happens to the baby and it somehow ends up being your fault?” Logically, I know that doesn’t make sense. But the guilt and anxiety feel so real, and it’s hard to shake.

Please if someone can reply! I really just need someone to talk to. I don’t even know how to control my OCD. It honestly feels like it’s controlling me. Everyday my mind focuses on every bodily sensation I have and it’s like a broken record player, I have horrible health anxiety and my OCD just makes it worst just thinking about it everyday. It feels like everyone who I explain it to looks at me like I’m stupid/crazy. I use to be much more tame with my OCD, I use to eat things without worry, now I can’t even touch things I use to eat without worrying that I’ll get an allergic reaction (despite eating them BEFORE,,,but my mind tells me otherwise) and omg worrying about heart attacks, pulmonary issues..and I couldn’t even enjoy my own child’s birth because my mind was on high alert thinking I would hemorrhage any second or develop pre-E (complications of postpartum) I was miserable for the first couple of months of my baby’s life and I didn’t know what to do. And now, I’m pregnant with my second (4wks) and all the OCD thoughts and anxiety is coming back at me and I have no one to talk to, I feel lonely. And even if I considered taking a pill, I’d worry about being allergic to it and refusing to take it. I ruin everything for everyone. I remember I ate out one night and I started to think “you’re gonna pass out! You’re gonna pass out! (Without ever passing out before) and I had to leave! I feel like I ruin the mood for everyone when I don’t even try to, and I hate it.