OCD and things I said in the past

@FloralEnvoy Me too, I used to ruminate at night on every interaction I had with other people, and would try and figure out if I had said something stupid, hurtful, too much, etc. So much unnecessary embarrassment for literally every word that did or did not leave my mouth

@Courage2Continue Yeah, sounds like my experience. I got bullied pretty badly growing up, and eventually I developed some habit of relying on safe-words to communicate my ideas. Bullies picked up on it, so I would focus so intently on what I was saying and if it was socially acceptable that I would silently word every sentence I said back to myself. Now I find myself constantly second guessing what I say in social situations, and it all stems from that same feeling. The worst of it is when I say something stupid or miscommunicate an idea. Then my brain will not let go of it.

@FloralEnvoy For reals, same! I grew up in a very religiously strict community, and I basically had to learn to alter my speech patterns to each individual, because they would each perceive certain words or phrasing as sinful/incorrect/bad. I remember saying “no problem” to someone who said thank you, and the dude lectured me for forever on how it was an inappropriate response, and then literally was told a week later that saying “your welcome” was lacking humility and that I needed to humble myself. I was so confused! It’s such a hard habit to break, to not nitpick or second guess everything you’re going to say because you don’t know if it will be taken wrong. I don’t know if you experience this too, but sometimes I can’t tell if someone is low key making fun of me, and so I’ll end up down a rabbit hole of figuring it out. Seriously took me several hours yesterday just to let ruminating about that go, and be okay with not knowing.

@Courage2Continue Yeah I'm constantly having thoughts if laughter or gestures in other conversations are in reference to me, or that I embarrassed myself in any conversation I didn't feel confident in. I would do my best to unpack all that trauma if possible, children shouldn't have that many expectations put on them especially not in the face of religious authority. That pressure is the same as the bullying I went through, conditions you to never feel safe when communicating. So some of us compulsively lie. Some always self-monitor, and some are hypervigilant of things they should have no reason to even think of in the moment. We are just damaged. Like everyone else, just in a way society hasn't accommodated as well.

@FloralEnvoy Yeah, I think for me it made me struggle with OCD more, especially with the self monitoring and hyper vigilance stuff. Although, I grew up in a strict setting where lying was punished severely and confession was expected, so I feel like I developed more so a compulsive need to tell people everything that was going on with me all the time because if I didn’t, then there was the accusations of lying and the punishments that followed. I think I also learned to take on other people’s mistakes because I was constantly accused for them, and at times it was easier to just accept the punishment than try to prove my innocence. It’s been well over a decade of unpacking it for sure, but it gets better and better!