Is there something wrong with me

I had this problem recently because I went to stroke my cat and I touched her neck and it triggered me because before I’ve had a problem with intrusive thoguhts about strangling, also I have a problem with testing myself by imagining thoguhts on purpose to see if I’m bad or good but it’s got worse. I literally since it touched her neck that time it felt like an urge at the time and I was worried but now it’s happened a few times where I go to stroke her and I think I’m testing myself and I grab her neck like I’m testing myself but it seems really bad like why am I doing that almost testing squeezing her neck for a second and I’m worried, I got anxiety flush feeling come over me I have been numb to a lot of ocd feelings and I got anxiety flush like almost hot and cold feeling but it felt real and almost like an urge to keep giving into that compulsion/action but now I’m thinking am I acting on the thoguht?? It felt almost like it could have happened or an urge to and Im worried, am I a bad person? Then I imagined actually doing that in my head and it felt more real and I’m scared but at the same time not scared enough to feel safe why did I do that??

lu22

Date posted: 1y

But when I do it I get anxiety but I still did it and did it again a bit harder I’m scared am I evil? Why am I doing it, I know I’m always testing myself in my head but physically it shouldn’t happen and I’m scared

helpmeeee_

Date posted: 1y

@lu22 hey there the truth is no one can tell you why you did it. maybe you do have urges, maybe those thoughts are truly how you feel. maybe you don’t have urges, maybe those thoughts aren’t how you feel. at the end of the day nobody knows; not you, not me, not anyone, this is where accepting uncertainty comes into play. you must accept the uncertainty around you not being certain if these urges are your true feelings, why you did it to begin with, etc — you’ll never know, and you must accept it for what it is. accepting uncertainty is the golden key to getting better. best of luck, you got this.

helpmeeee_

Date posted: 1y

@lu22 it’s possible something bad could have happened. you need to accept this my friend. there is nothing you can do, nothing i can do, nothing anyone can do. sit with these feelings, and accept the possibility that something bad could have happened if you let it. you can do this <3. you’re stronger than you realize. trust me. you CAN do this. ❤️

helpmeeee_

Date posted: 1y

@lu22 remember my friend; you have OCD. these things will feel a lot more heightened for you, a lot more scary. does that mean they’re not true? no, it doesn’t … does that mean they ARE true? no, it doesn’t …. but the truth is, you and i don’t know if they’re true or not. this is the fact you must accept. you can do this my friend! you got this. what having OCD does mean is that you do not process these thoughts and feelings the same way a person without OCD would. these uneasy feelings you feel; this is perfect. sit with them, okay? just sit. don’t fight them, don’t change them, don’t justify, reason with, or push them away. embrace them. you can do this. i promise you. the moment you get the hang of accepting these feelings and these uncertainies is the moment you can begin to overcome this. you can do this. i am not a professional by any means; so if doing this is too hard by yourself, i highly suggest a therapist (specialized in OCD) to help walk you through this.

helpmeeee_

Date posted: 1y

@lu22 another way to put it… accepting uncertainty does not mean you agree with your thoughts. it does not mean that they are you. what it does mean is that there is a level of uncertainty you must accept; in this case for you, maybe something COULD have happened, but also maybe it couldn’t of. see what i mean? you have to accept the uncertainty of it being 50/50. uncertainty is your friend, i promise. while it feels scary now, and feels like you MUST know whether or not you would’ve let something happen — you must accept the 50/50 of it, my friend. you absolutely can do this. uncertainty is our friend, and accepting it is about becoming comfortable with it. it does not mean you’re agreeing with your thoughts, but accepting the unknown around them, and accepting that it’s okay to have them.

lu22

Date posted: 24w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

tayanominous

Date posted: 24w

Did I act on the thoughts?

I worry people might get the wrong idea when I share this but I must post it because I’m scared so basically this is gonna sound weird but I have always sorta been a violent kid but in a normal way if that makes sense like if someone tris over I would find the ridiculously funny but what kinda confuses me is when loved ones hurt themselves I laugh it’s not like I’m putting it on idk I just randomly laugh and i find funny please don’t think I’m a bad person because I’m really not and I’m scared abt this but that’s not the point of this story so I will get to the pint now so basically I was walking upstairs and I hit my head on the door and my mum laughed at me and I said “its not funny I hit my head” and she said something else that made me angry I can’t remember and then I started to charge at her like I was gonna hit her or something and it scared me cuz I wanted to push her or something ( not harmful just like as a back off kinda thing) which I know it’s horrible writing it out but then while I had that urge to push it her or something I also got a groinal so then OCD was like ”you were gonna s3xualy attack just then and you liked it” and now I’m to scared to go near her just in case it happens again cuz I’ve been in a spiral for days now, again please don’t tell me I’m a bad person cuz I already feel like that cuz writing it out it sounds worse then it is irl im sorry if this was triggering and please reply and tell me your thoughts on this.

lu22

Date posted: 24w

Suffering a lot, need advice, have no therapy 🙁🙁

I feel like this time I can’t pick myself back up. It felt too real like I don’t even belive it wasn’t real I fully feel like it was my own feeling and I genuinely felt that. I had stabbing intrusive thoughts, I imaginined it on purpose to test my reaction and then it felt like I know how it feels to physically do that action (stab someone) and I like how it feels then I was getting these urge feelings and it felt like I wanted it and then I was imagining the thoughts again about stabbing someoneI care about multiple times and then It suddenly felt like I was really happy about the thought and almost like I really enjoyed it and realised why evil people enjoy doing these things like I felt what they felt like I’ve discovered a ‘thrill’ feeling of doing that evil thing and I can’t get over it I can’t figure out why it felt like that and now I’m thinking because it felt like I liked it and it felt good I will be curious about being evil or want to be evil to feel that feeling again and it’s really messed up and I don’t know what to do everytime I think about it it feels like there is actually something wrong with me I no longer have anxiety or feel really worried about the thoughts I feel numb and that feeling is really making me feel bad like I can’t live normally now it feels like I am actually evil now and I don’t even know if I have morals or if i would be evil or not. Normally with my thoughts no matter how real it’s felt I’ve managed to convince myself why I had a certain feeling and why it’s not real and why I’m a good person but this time it actually feels like that feeling was from me and I actually felt really happy and enjoyed or got a thrill from the idea of doing that horrible thing like I can’t even say it feels real because I’m thinking it is real I don’t know what to do 🙁🙁I’ve had ocd for a few years but don’t get anxious anymore and this feels like I’m actually bad or would want to do it because of that feeling

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Is there something wrong with me

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