Rocd? pls help me

But I want to love him, I just love him, I want to love him again, I don't want a break or anyone else, I want him and his family. He's my first love but I want him. I've loved him since I was 11. Please I just want him I just am scared. I never want to not love him. This whole situation isn't like me at all. He's so kind to me and he loves me so much. I just want to feel like i love him again, I want the thoughts to stop, not my relationship, he is 100 percent the love of my whole life. I just need ot back

@avaviolet When you said you are scared, what exactly is it that you are scared of? Something happening? are there any hard choices you’re considering deciding between?

@AntoniOcd I'm scared I'll never love him again and I'm scared for the thoughts to go bcs what if that means I don't lovwbhim anymore. I don't want it to be over. I've loved him as long as I've known him. All his family and my family said if you looked at us just talking you wouldn't think anything had changed because of the way I act but I'm scared it's me in denial. Sometimes I gave good days and I think I'm in love with him but its very rare. I just don't even know If I want to be w him at all i just don't want to want that

@avaviolet So, you’re not just scared that your feelings for him won’t remain the same in the future forever, but you actually already are feeling differently? I wouldn’t expect most people to feel the same at 16 or by adulthood as they did when they were an 11-year-old. That would seem like an unnatural standard to hold oneself to. But what do you imagine would be the worst realistic consequences of admitting you no longer feel the same about this good person? Are you most afraid of hurting his feelings? Or of potential regret about changing a relationship? Or disappointed judgment from family if you move on without a more substantial explanation? If you haven’t yet had any experience with the end of romantic relationships, I can totally understand why it’d be extra hard to accept the scary possibility of that. It’s normal to begin our love lives with a more naïve outlook on strong feelings needing to be permanent. But gripping a relationship too tightly is the quickest way to break it, and no one has to be at fault for falling out of love over time. It’s like two-way consent for sex. We don’t need a good enough justification to simply not feel like doing it anymore. Where people go wrong is when they avoid being honest for too long, cling to the relationship and keep the other person under the same conditions, assuming nothing has changed, but start treating them weird or resenting them because you actually want out. Or dishonestly cheating. Being authentic with someone you can trust is most respectful to them. Of course being tactful may mean taking a little time to consider for ourselves before sharing, to spare our partner the rollercoaster of spontaneous flip-flopping feelings.

@avaviolet TLDR: what are the potential actions you could choose between, and what are the scariest realistic consequences of those?

@AntoniOcd I could stay with him and work through it and eventually get the feelings back or I could break up with him and lose the most amazing boy and family. Or I could break up with him just to try and get back together with him but then he'd be so worried that I'd break up with him again all the time. Every option is so scary i don't know what's worse, but the better option in the long run is to just work on my feelings and get them back becwue3 I don't want anyone else

I do find that the awaken to love channel helps me out a lot. I did end up messaging them and she said she felt the exact same way as me so I'm sure It's ocd but I just don't know. I just woke up after a really nice day with him feeling like I don't love him, and sometimes when I have good days I feel like our relationship is going so well and well get married and I'm happy and then some days I just feel like I need to break up with him and the only reason I'm not is because I don't want to hurt him. I'm scared

@avaviolet Aw I see. Well it’s probably extra stressful to be radically reconsidering your entire future life plan based on each different kind of day you have. But that’s ocd for ya. Accepting the unknown of the future can be necessary for us to make the most of our present moment. I’ve felt my most stable connection with a partner when I can tell myself it’ll be OKAY if we don’t always feel like we do today. It doesn’t need to invalidate the good times we enjoy if at some point we decide we’d prefer to be separate. As long as we’re respecting each other with honesty. There’s just so much unnecessary pressure we put on ourselves and others to perform a relationship status. Some inconsiderate partners may need to try being more reliable for their partners. But if you’re already such an extra conscientious person, it could be worth relaxing that sense of obligatory romance and maybe take each day at a time. See him when you feel like being in his company, and take your time to do other things apart when you aren’t feeling like it. Just try to be authentic with him as you go, because it can be more emotionally hurtful for someone if they realize later their experience of the relationship was not genuine.