Lately I have been worrying about my weight... not looking for reassurance but wondering if it is a form of ocd. I’m 136 lbs.

One of my obsessions is about the fear of being fat. Can anyone relate? I’m struggling with grad school and have no control over working out so my thoughts are terrible. Getting dressed in the morning and constantly checking the mirror and obsessing over how people see me is exhausting...

tldr: can’t stop obsessing over weight after i started cheer with a lot of tiny short girls, who tend to make slightly backhanded comments. does anybody have any experience or advice on something like this. recently i havnt been able to stop obsessing over my weight. it’s to the point where i can’t sleep at night by thoughts that i’m fat and i get so mad when i do eat. my first reaction if i do something wrong is to not let myself eat because i don’t deserve it. i am constantly comparing myself to other girls and i can hardly focus on anything else. i had some issues with this before but it’s gotten a lot worse since starting cheer, and all the backhanded comments i’ve endured during the season. while most of the girls are fairly short (4’9 to 5’3) i’m 5’4 1/2 and they always bring up how tall and heavy i am, even though i’m a normal weight for my height. it’s just so difficult to constantly tell yourself not to eat and then if you do you beat yourself up over it. i also struggle with contamination ocd, adm with that i can at least i can temporarily get rid of those feelings, but not with this. if anybody has any advise for this, please let me know.

Possible trigger warning if anyone else has an ED. I saw a post online that basically said if you cant have a restrictive eating disorder without being fatphobic. I have Anorexia, struggled with it for years. I truly believe in beauty at every size and eating what you want, I've never been the type of person to judge others for their bodies or what they eat. I would never look down on someone for their weight and I hate it when other people with my disorder shame people for being overweight or use it to 'encourage' themselves. I do have an unexplainable fear of gaining weight but that unfortunately just comes with the illness and i only ever apply these standards to myself. There's even been times I wished more people could think more like me so that I wouldn't be insecure about gaining weight. I genuienly dont equate weight to anyone's worth, to me it's just a number until I'm the one on the scale. My OCD is telling me now that by struggling an ED i hate fat people or am being offensive. That I should force myself to eat even though it makes me anxious and it's not something I can just force myself to do. I've been in this horrible limbo all day with my mind on whether or not just being sick makes me a terrible person. :') I hate OCD.