Lately I have been worrying about my weight... not looking for reassurance but wondering if it is a form of ocd. I’m 136 lbs.

Hey, so idk if I have ocd, I would like to think I’m a very self aware person but I don’t wanna self diagnose at all, lmk what you guys think. So pretty much my whole life since I was young I remember having irrational fears im sure it was all trauma induced but when I was a kid I thought my father was poisoning me until I asked him, he started crying and was so shocked that I could ever even think that, my parents broke up when I was legit fresh out the womb, mom worked two jobs and disciplined me, dad let me do whatever on the weekends and got me snacks so I was obsessed with him so obsessed that it was mandatory for me to kiss his picture 20x everyday before school. Growing up I always felt followed by cameras or like someone out there was recording me waiting for me to do something embarrassing to expose me in front of the whole world and my life was over 🤣🤣 I thought my abusive ex bf was stalking me through my I phone camera after we broke up and it would truly stress me out, it made me believe that it was the reason he never reached out again bc I probably looked ugly in the camera he was stalking me through. If I fall out with a friend Ill over analyze everything to see if I did anything wrong and god forbid while I’m self reflecting I realize I did something wrong I feel like an evil person, verbatim the people I fall out with is bc they’ve done me wrong in some way and it has to b something hurtful or repeated mistakes for me to really stay away for good, so I’ll beat myself up for making mistakes with another person who’s made the same amount of mistakes if not more and in most cases I always fall short, and this when I question if it’s ocd or I’m just to self aware and see the ugly in me bc I’m not perfect and it’s just makes me feel so unsettled but again that’s a normal feeling and the next step is to forgive yourself and do better moving forward, not obsess over it like your trying to convince yourself you’re a good person. I’m also hot tempered and will say hurtful things when I’m mad I’m definitely a crash out in the way, you push my bottoms way too many times and I will shred you, and I’ll say things ik will hurt you and that’s just so low, then the anger goes away and I have to face the guilt, which makes my “ocd” 100x worse, it almost feels like I have to do everything right to not trigger it yet again I don’t have the self control to do it all right, I actually have a lot bpd tendencies again not diagnosing but I’m just trying to understand my brain. I worry about dying, getting a terminal illness. uti turning into kidney infection then into cancer kind of thing, knowing that life in general can b tragic is so scary to me, like what will be my story? What will be my life experience?. I believe that people see right through me and discuss it amongst each other, I always tell myself I am not that important but I can’t seem to shake it off sometimes. When I would break up with my ex I would have pre written paragraphs ready to b send if he ever decided to reach back and I would do this to make sure I didn’t forget a single thought, that every point i felt I need to prove was there, and that bothers me bc do I want win an argument or fix the issue. All of these feelings make me feel so pathetic and embarrassed people move on with their lives and I’m still stuck on something that happened 3 yrs ago. Then I’ll get manic get a tattoo, change my hair, go out clubbing do what I can to b the sexy young girl that I am and it helps in the moment but it worsens my mental after the euphoria is gone. I’m currently staying home, not going out, have only 1 friend so I feel like ocd progressively got worse now, I don’t remember it getting this bad in a while. lmk what you guys think don’t judge or think I’m embarrassing I’m actually so cool and if have to convince you I’m cool I will LMFAOO no but fr help

tw: mention of SA & suicide 18+ I’ve been experiencing different themes & today I was going thru fitness goals for petite women on reddit & seeing their hard work. I thought to myself, “if they can, so can I” & well I have more thought abt me going back to a healthy weight & it made me feel good. it’s like I can’t wait to finally be freed of this obesity. anyway, a couple days ago I went to the store with my baby brother & while shopping, there were two men towards the back of the store. some lady came up to me & asked where condensed milk was at bc she couldn’t find it. I didn’t know either but went looking with her. she told me one of the men in the back was following her, so I stood close to her. eventually she went another way to look for the item. I thought to give it another try and as I was walking thru the aisles, I noticed the two men who had finished talking with an older woman. I don’t make eye contact with anyone at the store, ever. unless I’m greeted by the employees, but that’s it & I do a quick glance. so I’m abt to enter into another aisle and the men pass by & I’m pretty sure I was being verbally harassed bc he was calling me names and cursing. nobody else was nearby. I didn’t even do anything to this guy. inside I wanted to clap back, but remembering the youtube videos I watched of women coming across hostile/insecure men, I realized that it was best to stay quiet. as much as I talked abt deleting myself in the past, I did not wanna put my brother and I at risk and die at the hands of a man lmao. I wanted to make it home alive. now that may seem extreme, but u never know. the reason I mention this is bc while I envisioned myself in my ‘dream body’ (just healthy), I began to have thoughts of, “what if I start to get verbally harassed by men?” I have bought clothes that I found were beautiful and thought it would fit my theme. I’m just worried men will try to SA me and they’ll say something like “she was asking for it” bc of the way I dress. and the types of clothes I have are cute/beautiful tops to go with jeans. literally halter/blouse tops. it’s bad enough for women but I feel like it can be even worse for me as a petite woman. even worse if they think I’m underage & still go for it. unfortunately, I’ve been approached by grown ass men as a minor in the past & each time it felt disgusting. this was when I had a healthy weight too. hopefully in a year or two I can make myself appear older bc I do have a somewhat youthful face. my height doesn’t help either lmao. I hope the clothes I have and some others that I’m planning to get will help me achieve an ‘older’ look. I’m pretty confident I can do it. just need to lose the weight and do some styling. soooo, to conclude, I’m just worried men will try to have their way with me. idk if this is ocd or a true worry of mine. bc it is a genuine issue for women. shit is real.

Lately I’ve been having some thoughts like “i don’t feel real” and I feel disconnected and not been feeling like myself, I don’t know if this is just ocd because I do get thoughts about life and they don’t really cause much panic.. or could this be something else