*I NEED HELP!!!!* I'm going to start from the beginning. My first obsessions and compulsions started at around the age of seven and I had different ones on and off all through elementary school although at the time I didn't know it was OCD. When I was in 5th or 6th grade someone close to me was in the process of coming out as gay, during this same time there was a lot of name calling going on at my school mostly between boys. They were calling each other stuff like the f word and "gayfer" and things like that. Despite having crushes on all boys I started to get really scared that I was gay and it turned into an obsession. After that (now I'm starting to get the thought "what it was before") I started feeling like I was actually attracted to this girl in my class and it really freaked me out. It wasn't a crush, but it felt like physical attraction. The fear continued into middle school, I still was attracted to and had crushes on all guys, and didn't have any attraction toward girls, but I was still really scared that I might be gay and not know it. There was this girl who was a lesbian in one of my classes and I had this irrational idea that if I was near her I would turn into a lesbian, which I feel really horrible about now, but I was twelve. I was really scared in the gym locker room because I would get the thought "what if I look at other girl's boobs" . There was no desire to, but I was scared that I was going to, so I kept my head down. Eventually the anxiety started to fade when my focus switched to something else, but I still got intrusive thoughts once in while about the possibility. In eighth grade I started to get obsessed that I was going to get herpes, or already had it and would wash my hands over and over. My attraction to guys continued. In high school I had really horrible anxiety and a lot of "what ifs", but it didn't really stick to one subject. I was still attracted to all dudes, and didn't really give that a second thought at this point. I had a lot of gay close friends and being around them didn't bother me in the slightest. There were some things that stuck around from the gay obsession I had when I was younger though like if I was scrolling on Instagram and a meme profile posted a half naked girl I would get scared of it and scroll past it really fast. After high school I started dating this guy and he said "you know if I tried something with a guy I'd probably turn out to be bisexual", and then the thoughts from elementary and middle school came back. It made me start to question things and I thought looking back I wonder if all of that meant that I was bi. I told my friends about what the guy said and my female friend came out as bi. I decided to say that I might be too keeping the thought of my experience as a child. I wasn't attracted to girls at all as a teenager or adult, but I thought ah that obsession as a kid must have meant something. The dude and I didn't last. I had really strong feelings for him and then I started thinking what if I actually hate him. It felt irrational and real at the same time? The whole time I identified as bi I still wasn't attracted to any girls. I thought about having a crush on my friend and that felt kind of exciting and euphoric for approximately a day, but then I realized that there were no feelings of longing or sexual feelings attached and that I was not interested in a romantic or sexual way. The idea of being bi wasn't scary to me then, but I guess it wasn't for me? A long while later I started dating this really amazing dude, who is my current boyfriend. There were a lot of issues on my end at the beginning of the relationship which I now know were because of ROCD. When we became sexually active I would get really scared because I'd get thoughts like "what if he's using me" or "what if I actually don't like him" even though I knew they weren't true. The anxiety during sex was intense and it made it really hard for me to enjoy it. A few months after our first time having sex (sorry for tmi)the thought hit me again. "What if I'm not enjoying sex because I'm gay". A few days after obsessing on that thought I was scrolling on Instagram and I came across one of those half naked girl pictures. I got really, really anxious and then I told myself that I had to see if I felt anything when I looked at it. I looked at it and I got an arousal like feeling. I freaked the f*** out and from then on for the past few months the obsessing has continued. I came across HOCD on the internet and it seems like that's probably the case, but I'm still super scared that I'm a lesbian. I feel like I'm back to square one because I've started using the curiosity about my friend and my childhood experience as proof that I'm a lesbian. In the beginning of my relationship even though I had rocd I never thought of my friend as a threat! Long after I considered the idea of having feelings for her we all hung out together multiple times (her, my boyfriend and I) and I didn't think of it at all because back then it didn't mean anything to me! I love my boyfriend, I'm happy with him and even if I was a lesbian I'd stay with him, but the thoughts are attacking me. My brain is saying every crush and fantasy about a guy was just me trying not to be gay! I know is not true, but it feels true! Am I in denial or is this HOCD!!??