My ex and his new gf

I’m lost, I’m exhausted, I’m angry. Keep askin myself why do I intentionally trigger my thoughts or think about a deragatory word when I get upset or create false narratives in my mind and feel my mouth moving a certain way when I do? Was I ever really in love w/ my ex or did I just feel sorry for her and wanted to help her when she needed someone the most? Why am I so fixated on her appearance? And always at the end of the month my feelings for her heighten then when I’m not about to start my period. I feel numb and feel like I don’t care as much. Why is it that you find someone that understands you more than you understand yourself and is so kind, gentle, understanding and everything aligns , but their appearance? But then I tell myself it shouldn’t matter/ it doesn’t matter, but my OCD fixates on their physical. It’s about how they make you feel and my ex made me feel heard and seen and always put me before her. My ex’s birthday was yesterday and I’m feeling a lot of guilt because I didn’t wish her a happy birthday. I know people have different opinions on wishing your ex a “happy birthday” or not but the reason why I didn’t was because I didn’t wanna lead her on. I didn’t wanna give her false hope cause I’m still tryna figure out how I feel. Apart of me wanted to because I just wanted to show her I’m thinking about her and wanted her to have a good birthday, but I didn’t wanna be selfish and have her think about me while she’s out having fun. I know when things start to fall apart and there’s nothing but Chaos, it’s god trying to test you but to also put your faith in him during frusterating times. When my ex and I were in a relationship I didn’t always put her first. I know I exhausted her and stressed her out and I regret that. I’m not perfect, I’m trying to better myself. We all know you can’t change the pass, but I wish I knew what I knew now vs what I new then. But I also tell myself that I did my best I could at the time. At the time, I wasn’t even aware of “flare ups.” Instead of snapping a her when I had an instrusive thought, I couldn’t just said…”hey I’m having a flare up. I need a min.” Something as easy as that, but again I didn’t know at the time. I just remeber the thought was triggering me so much it made me depressed and I didn’t know how to explain my thoughts to her. I read this quote that said, “someone’s effort of affection is how they feel about you.” I shouldn’t have read that because it got in my head. My OCD was telling me “you didn’t care to say happy birthday to her. She knows you don’t care about her.” I wish I didn’t have OCD and I’m sure yall feel the same way. Maybe my ex and I will never get back together, maybe she’ll move on and find better, maybe we’ll find eachother again. I pray to god. I know he’s listening and watching over me always. And yes I do see my therapist 2 times a week and I’ve told her this stuff. We are doing ERP, but I thought I would’ve made more progress than what I have been making. Small progress is progress tho. But anyways I just wanted to vent. Maybe someone here can relate ?

tw . . . . . . I don't want to trigger anyone, so please be warned before reading. I'm feeling pretty hopeless. I don't know if I deserve... anything. I've had two therapists now tell me I'm normal and I don't need to worry so much, but I find it hard to believe them. Just when I think I'm doing okay, thoughts flood back in. I feel like the world is better off without me in it and that others would agree if they weren't a paid therapist there to give me reassurance. I'm tempted to break up with my boyfriend because he doesn't deserve this. I want to pretend I'm okay for the sake of my parents. But if they passed away, I'm not sure I'd have much strength to live for myself. This feeling is pretty bad right now. Overwhelming. I have absolutely no love for myself. I can't even distract myself by watching TV or shows I love, because all I can think is, "Look at those people. They deserve to live and be happy, and I'm not one of them." Gah, this is bad. I'm an adult, and I feel like such a baby for feeling this way. How dramatic am I? How can other people have similar (if not worse) thoughts than me, and then still be ok with themselves? I miss the person I used to be. I miss feeling okay. I feel ok momentarily, but then it all comes crashing down. I can't stand it. All I want is for things to go back to how they used to be.

my grades are super bad, my ex moved on, i have no real friends at all, and i feel empty inside. i feel nothing but i feel so many emotions at the same time. i wish i would’ve done better in life. i push people away but then complain about being lonely. me and my ex broke up 8 months ago and i still can’t get over him. he got a girlfriend a week after our breakup and it makes me think about so many things. i’ve talked to guys after that but none of them are the same, i got this feeling with him i got with nobody else and it hurts to know i won’t ever get it back. i feel like im not good or pretty enough for anyone. i feel to difficult for a relationship and to tired. i compare myself to his new girlfriend all the time and i can’t stop. why can’t i be as pretty as her? what was so wrong with me that we had to stop talking? we talk every month as friends but it lasts an hour. my heart craves his love again but i know i won’t ever get him back. i remember this one time i tried cutting off all contact with him because of his girlfriend. when i did, he said he didn’t wanna fully let me go because im a good friend to keep around and he knows ill always be there. i don’t know if he still means that because it’s been months but he still texts me first sometimes. i know i need to let go but im stuck in life and i just need him to help me like he always would. but i cant get his help so i feel stuck and confused and sad and empty.