- Date posted
- 52w
I'm feeling triggered and confused today.
I could tell immediately that I was going to have an argument with my gf this morning. She was telling me that she felt some type of way because when she states her opinion on any particular topic, that I respond with, "No I don't feel that way," and then I proceed to state and opinion that is, in her opinion, the same thing that she just said. She described a conversation we had over, Couples Therapy, the show. She also recalled an earlier conversation where I told her if I express a difference in opinion, that she doesn't have to respond, she can just keep the response to herself. That she realized that I was saying that just to be heard. (TBH I vaguely remember that conversation.) I responded to this by telling her that I believe this is an opportunity and that we should discuss it with our therapist, (we had a consultation but have not booked our sessions yet.) and that I know longer feel that way, that I am evolving as a person and that I don't feel that I have a right to dictate how anyone responds to my thoughts or opinions. That it's important to me that we're able to have safe and effective communication in our relationship. Long story short she told me she doesn't trust my response and that she thinks it may change again to something negative. Again I expressed the want to discuss this topic further in therapy and that with all the personal development I have been doing that it's natural for her to feel that way and it's a strong possibility that my feelings and thoughts may change multiple times as I grow. In the end, even after I expressed that I no longer feel she should have to, not say anything when I share my thoughts or opinions, she still brought that conversation back around again and ultimately said that by me wanting to have the conversation with a therapist that I was "weaponizing" therapy against her. This entire back and forth filled me with anxiety, fear, frustration and helplessness. I feel like no matter what I do or say I am in the wrong and I should now be punished with, rejection, isolation, stern responses and gazes and lack of interaction. That no matter what I do for the rest of the day and possibly the rest of the week all my behavior will be scrutinized and placed under a microscope of judgement. How do I move through the day without these dreadful feelings of animosity, shame and guilt?