Layla32

Date posted: 51w

Disassociative experiences.

It’s been 2 years since I had my last child. Heartbreaking is an understatement. The disconnect from my belief and memories of my children are so painful. This is a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I look at my kids and they seem familiar but they seem hazy. It’s like a total loss of memories of good events in my life. It’s so horrible. I’m crying. I am doing the best I can. I am seeing a naturopath. I cannot believe this happens to people and I am so sorry if you struggle with this. It’s painful and it’s so hard to keep going when you feel numb yet so sad at the same time.

Catlove9

Date posted: 51w

I get something like this. But for me it’s like I’m living in a fog and I get scared because it feels like I’m not in control 😔

Layla32

Date posted: 51w

@Catlove9 I have that too. It’s like everything looks like muted or like hazy.

Catlove9

Date posted: 51w

@Layla32 Yes. And almost like you can’t recognize what you’re doing if that makes sense?

Layla32

Date posted: 51w

@Catlove9 Yes which is so scary isn’t it? It’s like I have a blank mind or something but really what ends up happening is my mind goes blank but I have swirls of intrusive thoughts that try to support this fear or cause me shame. It’s such a hard thing 😞😞

Catlove9

Date posted: 51w

@Layla32 Yes omg. You explained it exactly as I experience it!

Layla32

Date posted: 51w

@Catlove9 Like it goes to health. Like is there something wrong with my brain? Why am I struggling to know things? Do I have Alzheimer’s now? Ugh. I just never struggled like this before. I think the big fear is to be a good, loving person and lead my children well and I feel like it’s very hard to do when you just feel all these weird feelings, visual changes, and sensations. I would never want them harmed by my state emotionally or physically.

Layla32

Date posted: 51w

@Catlove9 It’s very hard to be kind to yourself during these moments. I go straight to more anxiety and shame sometimes bc I just feel like it’s “unacceptable” for me to go through this not to mention underlying fears of I am stuck this way forever or like do something and be unaware of it. It’s so uncomfortable!! I am so sorry you go through this though. I know it’s not easy.

Catlove9

Date posted: 51w

@Layla32 I cannot stress enough how perfectly you explained it. My brain also goes to health “what is wrong with me? Will it always be this way?” And then it goes to “you’re going to lose control and hurt someone.” (I also have harm ocd). It makes me feel like I don’t even know who I am.

Layla32

Date posted: 51w

@Catlove9 And it’s so hard to explain it to other people who aren’t struggling with this. They don’t get it which causes more fear and shame. It’s such a vicious cycle! I’ve had to separate myself from so many people and just really have to watch who I open up to with this.

Catlove9

Date posted: 51w

@Layla32 same here. I’ve had so many regrets sharing some of my ocd stuff with people. Right now I’m in the midst of an “episode.” I just feel so detached from life and all my worst fears are coming into my brain making it worse.

elliss2

Date posted: 51w

It’s heartbreaking to read. Do you have a DID diagnosis? Your description is very easily understandable. I’m very sorry you’re experiencing this. I think I’m having sth similar with my church. Horrible things (to me as ocd person) have happened there, and when I’m in this place I can’t feel it, I’m just bending to the overall friendly atmosphere and behavior and it hurts. That’s why I’m finally cutting all strings now that I’m stronger. But I think sth like this can happen (first of all: fast!) and in many places and attached to many people. Seems to be some psychological bonding thing

Layla32

Date posted: 51w

@elliss2 No but the disassociation is way less as time has passed. My birth was very fast and traumatic. Zoloft made things traumatic too and then it’s just taken so long to recover from all the stuff. Before the Zoloft, I didn’t have disassociation. It really messed me up and sent me into a fearful direction. Before Zoloft though, I had signs of ocd. I was having horrible intrusive thoughts and it was dyregulating me and confusing me. It’s totally affected my bond with my children and with myself. I had good bonding experiences with my other two but this one not at all. All the thoughts have been ugly and hateful and debilitating. Thankfully they have died down a bit but still it can feel hopeless with the existential ocd that continues to support my fears and shame. I have learned to be kinder to myself though when at first I cringed at being nice to myself at all.

elliss2

Date posted: 51w

@Layla32 Having compassion and being nice to yourself is probably the only thing you (we all) can do 🙏

Layla32

Date posted: 51w

@elliss2 It is hard though!! I have felt like I was just gonna will myself out of it but my body just is going slowly into the healing process. I always was tough. Got stuff done. Loved being a mom and then boom. I became mentally unwell and it’s been truly a humbling but painful experience. I just want to come out a better person but I really struggled with bitterness for a bit and have a lot of rejection issues so that comes up too

Anonymous

Date posted: 25w

@Layla32 Hey did you feel better, any tips? Going through this now

Anonymous

Date posted: 25w

@Layla32 Hey did you feel better, any tips? Going through this now

Bradinrichard2

Date posted: 21w

Pocd

I’ve always had ocd. But never experienced pocd until after I got pregnant and was fixing to deliver. Anyone else? I’ve been struggling with this for almost 2 years 😩 and Prozac gives me heart palpitations I’m at my breaking point. Idk who I am anymore. And it’s so hard having to be a mother of two on top of not wanting to do anything bc my brain tells me everything I’m doing is inappropriate ☹️

Anonymous

Date posted: 20w

Posting again cause still feeling awful

I have a fear that i intentionally put a thought of my baby girl in my head during sex.. i dont know what happened anymore, was that intrusive, what happened at all, i just cant remember, everything is fuzzy... Only thing i know for sure is that i dont feel anything sexual towards my daughter and that is the only thing im certain of... Anyone had similiar experience and what has helped you move on? Im stuck with this terrible feelings for 5 days now..

Cathrine

Date posted: 16w

Is it OCD to be seen as a narsissist?

Hi, I feel so creepy with losing connection with one of my closest people in my life, my two daughters who grew up with me during the years I was hiding my ocd. I feel they are seeing me as a narcissistic person instead of taking in consideration that I collapsed in the last part of their teenage years due to so severe ocd that I took my self out of the home to "protect them" ad I was convinced people would be damaged if they came close to me. Also that I never considered me as valuable to them. I felt sorry for them that I were their mother during their entire childhood. In their teenage years I was not available, drowning my self in work avoiding by all costs my compulsive thoughts and the horror I was dealing with. Today they see me as a mother who left them, not taking care of them and only thinking about my self. They never sat down with me after the diagnosis was clear in 2023, and they took.active distance to me in 2018. They sometimes talk to me, like once a year, in Christmas at my parents house, but never take initiative to have contact. I can't deal with it on an emotional level, I feel totally numbed. I love them more than anything in the world and did everything I could since they where born up to the time when my ocd really started to take a toll on me and I withdraw more and more from the familiy. I don't know how to handle because it seems that they think I am a mother who doesn't care or did care, but my ocd is ignored and it feels as if they see it as an excuse for bad behavior. I don't know, it's my guessing. I am not trying to make them change any of their ideas about their childhood and the needs I could not meet. I am so sorry about it. What I can't understand is that they refuse to deal with the fact that I been ill. We are a big resourceful family, but this part of my ocd is hidden back my role as the creative, crazy black sheep, and on top of it all I have somehow succeeded in my profession at the years where I "disappeared ", so it makes it even harder to explain that I spent between 4 and 24 hours on my ocd each day. It's just that I was running my own business which required me and just me as the producer of my product . If I did not function some days or weeks no-one knew as long as I delivered what I was suppose to. In the end I didn't do that either, but for long time I managed against all odds and the he'll of my horrible pure ocd. Anyone who can relate I appreciate all kinds of responses to this. I didn't even speak with my daughters on my birthday or theirs. They don't want to talk to me. For a while I thought things was better, but then it suddenly became worse after a dinner in my parents home when the family was gathered. I don't have any clue about why and then they said through my father and mother that they don't want to talk with me. If I had been held hostage by a gerilja in a jungle for ten years and suddenly was released to come home after ten years, everyone would be happy on my behalf. This is how it feels to have got treatment for my ocd, which wad undiagnosed for 28 years. I have a new life already, just 2 and a half years in to treatment. But I lost my children. It feels so painful that I can't feel it. And I wish they could know the truth about my story.

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Disassociative experiences.

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