It's so hard to improve my self esteem. My thoughts are always focused on the things I don't do right. The things that makes me ashamed of myself my addictions. The things I don't do right. Not believing I should be in a relationship, etc. This is really hard. I often just keep myself in this circle of being hard on myself or just not giving myself the same grace as other people because of bad actions in the past.
Your past doesn’t define who you are today. I mean literally today, right at this moment. Whatever happened in the past, let that go. Being hard on yourself is a way to try and cope, because you think you’re this terrible person who feels better beating yourself up because you think you deserve it. You don’t. You’re allowed to be set free from guilt, shame & any wrongdoings in the past. If you are struggling with addictions now or have in the past, acknowledge them and take it one step at a time. If it’s something currently happening, remember that addictions don’t just turn off easily. They wouldn’t be addictions if it was that way. Congratulate yourself on victories like not succumbing to the addiction 1 time. That’s one time that you can say you did it! Don’t fall down if you end up in your addiction, it’s a hill to climb. Be kinder to yourself. You deserve happiness, you deserve a relationship, and you deserve to let things go. We all make mistakes. Beating yourself up is not going to suddenly erase them. So there’s no point! :)
I don't think I know how to let go of the past. I know that I should, but I just can't. I hold onto them because I think it's a reminder that I've messed up really badly and I shouldn't toss that aside because it would seem like I don't care and that I'm a bad person. You're right. I do that so I don't feel any sort of responsibility being fled away. My intrusive thoughts find one thing after another to put me down with and it's really hard to just be myself and get through the days. I just have so much trouble acknowledging something bad that I did, even if it wasn't to hurt anyone intentionally (I can recall some events that were) and just move past them. It just feels like I don't deserve that I guess.
@BigGyro09 I don’t know if you’re Christian or not, but Christ can and will take away all shame for your past. We are all sinners and fall short of his glory, yet He is always willing to take our guilt and shame away. No matter what.
@Andrei 9000 I was brought up on it, yeah.
Start with small things. A big thing for me is to wake up a little earlier and have a morning routine. Before the day even starts I've taken care of myself and made some sort of progression in life. Big self esteem boost. Plus it tackles that morning stress
A morning routine I just thought of is listing all of the things that I did right and what went well the day before. And what I'm thankful for now. It's just so hard to let things go
@BigGyro09 That’s not a morning routine. A morning and nightly routine are things you do to get ready for the day or the night. And it also includes waking up and going to bed at or around the same time so you get a good night’s sleep.
@Nica I just get up, wash my face, and shower. That's about it. For the night, I just do hobbies until I'm tired and I sleep
Our brain needs to store memories somewhere, much like a computer. However, it has limited space for storing these experiences. So, what does the brain do? It performs a kind of "garbage collection" each day. It sifts through old and dusty boxes of memories, opens them to see what's inside (which explains why forgotten memories sometimes resurface), and then clears out space for new information. Now some of those boxes have old skeletons in them, and they are scary, which explains those negative thoughts. So your brian is asking you, do I keep then, or do I trash them? And here you are, wanting out, but also hoarding them. Eventually your brain will run out of space, and force you to take action.
I would like to remove them but I don't know how. I don't think I believe that I can.
You don't need to remove them; the brain has an inbuilt mechanism for that. Imagine it as sifting through a social media video feed—your job is to determine whether it's a good or bad memory. The brain handles the rest. The more you try to avoid this process and the accompanying memories and images, the more the "garbage collection" mechanism will assume those thoughts are important to you. So, it's best to let the brain do its work naturally.
They're bad memories but they still linger around. They're still in the background. Sometimes they go away if I change the things I do that are outside my comfort zone though
They are in the background because you do compulsions to ease them. To the brain this is a signal that those "boxes" are of importance and it leaves them lingering. Just let them linger, and eventually the brain garbage collection mechanism will do its action and reclaim this space. Just remember it is not you who bring those memories, it is your brain cleaning and doing housekeeping. So let it do its function and don't intervene.
Not ruminating on the thoughts is very hard not to do. It doesn't feel like any of the thoughts truly go away because of it.
Recognizing that these aren't your thoughts, but rather a mechanism or a mental "maid" tidying up your brain, can make things easier. When this maid uncovers an old, dusty box of memories that needs discarding, she presents it to you for approval. You're the boss, and your role is simply to decide whether to keep or discard what she presents.
I guess the hard part is not accepting the thoughts as a thought because the contents of the bad thoughts are just too bothersome to let go of. Especially since they are typically thoughts about things that have unfortunately happened and come true.
I do like the analogy though.
Yes, they came true, but they have passed. Since then, time has led people to their graves, nations have vanished, and even your body has changed as almost all of your cells have been replaced multiple times. The person who did that no longer exists. Come on, you’ve got this!
How do I give myself permission to just move on from them? They all feel like unforgivable things even if they were accidents
You might have misunderstood me, my friend. The individual who made those mistakes is no longer here. As I mentioned, your body’s cells have been replaced many times over. You don't need permission to move forward because you never needed it in the first place. You are not defined by past action, which is not yours. I wish you and everyone peace and happiness. Amen!
Do you have any advice on how to not be too hard with myself? I mean how could I even like myself with having those thoughts and feelings. They come from my brain and cause me so much uncomfort and anxiety, how could I not hate myself for it?! I hate myself for my thoughts, for my feelings, for how I look.. But I'm reading everywhere you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. So any advice how to practice this? Thank you.
How do people with high self esteem deal with their low moments in life? Stupid things they did as teenagers, very embarrassing moments in their life, acting on something and regretting it after, etc. I can't shake the guilt at all and everyday I'm just reminded of my lowest moments and reminded of how much I don't believe in myself
i did something not very good and i cannot move on from it because i truly don’t feel i deserve to. it’s like inhumane and i don’t feel like i should ever be happy. trying to forgive myself and move on is the hardest thing to do.
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond
