I know reassurance is bad but can someone please walk me through and help me with this specific situation because it's so bad and im so scared something bad did actually happen to me but I don't know. is this real event ocd?? is this denial about being sa'd??? I can't tell what is happening.
I read your story in the comments and, honestly, this sort of situation is tricky. Tacit consent is a very common situation in relationships, where you “consent” to your partner initiating certain intimate situations (example: my bf is free to go ahead and touch me somewhere sexually bc I’ve already confirmed with him prior this is something I’m okay with). Sometimes, however, you may not be in the mood or not ready—that’s when you tell your partner to stop. Then they should stop. Communication is so important in these situations, just because it can lead to murky situations like this where, even if no bad intentions were at play, someone may not have agreed to something. I’d suggest having a conversation with him about what sort of intimate acts you are OKAY with him imitating without asking first. And always, always make sure that he understands that no is no. If he doesn’t stop when you say no (or a safe word), then you know there’s a problem.
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he has been so respectful about it and has never made me feel bad for saying no, even making sure to tell me that I don't have to if I do not want to. I brought up how I feel that my ocd was attaching to that situation (it happened months ago and we talked about it and set boundaries already) and he reassured me that he still understands what he did was wrong and I'm right to feel how I do/did and to be upset. He continued by apologizing and we both are aware of what is and isn't okay and I'm not scared to tell him no or that he would hurt me or make me feel bad for something. I know I began to get anxious and reanalyze every situation after seeing a tik tok about "not realizing something was sa" and it scared me so bad and probably triggered these emotions or made any existing ones worse. I recognize that my symptoms are ocd in nature, but I still continue to feel worried when I think about it. he always takes me seriously and would never/has never given me a reason to not trust him.
@abbyns okay thank you, this means a lot. im trying not to ruminate and analyze every encounter and trying to figure out if something was bad or not just because of a mistake one time. I recognize the patter of what's happening in my mind and how it'll only get worse if I entertain it, but it feels so urgent. I'm hoping when I can get a job again soon I can get into therapy. have you done erp? do you find it truly effective if you have?
@abbyns thank you for this insight :)
what happened
okay forever ago me and my boyfriend were messing around and he asked if he could give me oral and i said no because it wasn't in the mood for that in particular, and then he asked if he could kiss me Down There and I said yeah and he licked for a second instead. We talked after about how that made me feel uncomfortable and he apologized and we set boundaries around asking and making sure we only do what we say ect. I don't feel unsafe but for some reason now I can't stop freaking out about what if it was sa????
@stxrmads This is honestly really difficult because like if u didn’t want it then it kinda does make it sa but at the same time if u don’t feel unsafe or in danger around him then idk but it’s really up to u to decide if u wanna call it sexual assault or not
and what if the time when he asked if we could do something different right at the moment I wasn't in the mood and then I decided I was when he asked again (he was asking as a way to turn me on like having me think about it yk and then asked again and "begged" is was playful and he didn't expect me to actually change my mind I don't think but what if that counts?? People say asking more than once counts so I can't tell anymore.
@suspectedocd3!!R i dont feel unsafe and he makes sure to ask about everything now to make sure even about just touching my butt or chest in playful ways he makes sure to try and remember to ask about everything. I feel so scared what if this is so bad and I'm denying it???
@suspectedocd3!!R and it's so bad to the point where I want to talk to him about this and just ask him to comfort me because indo feel safe with him, but this could be damaging to our relationship if I do and it's not actually sa.
@stxrmads Ok this seems like the start of a rocd theme if u don’t feel like it was sexual assault then it wasn’t talk to him abt it open up abt ur ocd and it’ll make u feel better
Tw Ocd has always manifested itself in different forms in my life. The fact that this memory came to me literally destroyed 4 months of my life with constant doubt, fear, guilt, the desire to commit suicide. Living with this fear for 4. Months wondering if I really did it? If it really happened and I really SA’d this person or it really happened and the ocd is trying to make me look like the wrong person? The fact that the old things I did when I was little are coming back makes me even more scared. Sometimes, I tell myself, what if I really didn't have the ocd and I'd just really done it? I talk about this event as if I'd really done it when, I don't even know if it's true or not and that scares me even more because I tell myself that if I talk about it as if I'd really done it, well maybe I really did it? I live with this enormous fear of having done it and of being seen everywhere as someone who has committed a cocsa . My ocd deteriorates at night with suicidal crises. I don't have anyone to talk to because I'm afraid people will think I'm weird or judge me. I'm always afraid of tomorrow, I go to bed with a heavy heart and I wake up with a heavy heart and the fear that I've done it, I'm afraid of waking up one day and finding out that I've really done it, like why can't I trust my brain? Why can't I remember? And even though I know I didn't do it or I'm certain of it (I prayed for it and I received a wave of peace), I'll always have this doubt in my head and it will come back even worse . Every time I hear the words rape, assault, violence, I feel so bad and I feel targeted, if it's triggering me and I feel bad and I wonder if it has anything to do with my memory or if it means that I really did it. I'm French and I don't know if the psychiatrists here know this subtype. I'm afraid that my psychiatrist won't know and will judge me.
Hello 😭, so uhm I’m kind of in the point of my POCD where I’m just tired. I just need to get it all out and get some sort of instruction of how to just idk live? So for me my childhood is pretty blurry. I have a few real event blended with false memory events there but other than that I’m a csa victim. And the way I tried to cope? By fetishising nyself, making CP of myself, seeing my life goal as being used, raped and a prostitue. Self destructive behaviour through talking to pedophiles and seeing my only worth as if I was sexually attractive. Which made me kind of numb to CP as a coping mechanism I guess. And heres’s where my main event of REOCD/false memory ocd comes in. I have a few events in my life when I’ve accidentally stumbled across CP ish mangas or just plan abuse and not had a big reaction. Some of them I even liked the story. And my ocd LOVES playing with it, making me truly believe I enjoy and get of from CP. I’ve also had quite a few dreams. A few days ago I had a dream about me getting triggered by something I did in the dream. Which I now can’t figure out if it actually was a dream. But also moments overall where I’ve unintentionally touched my private part while my siblings are in the room or when I found a guy 2 years younger than me pretty in 4th grade. Or a few of my only friends who turned out to be younger than me, and I had talked about sexual things (like fan fictions, my trauma ect) with them. AHSHB I absolutely hate ruminating and I’m tired so so so so so so tried 😭 idk help me? Please TT
What if you did something so extremely awful and horrible as a child but you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? The POCD real events were extremely awful and horrible... no way around... it genuinely was extremely awful and horrible... I gag and v0mit even thinking about it... its that horrible... I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 14... I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 14... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 14 when these real events happened and now I'm 23... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 14 at the time… now I’m 23… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 14… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 14….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 14 because someone told me what these real events were before... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... i truly didnt... I dont ever want to ever be what my pocd and real events ocd say I am... I dont ever want to be a P or a Chomo in any way... im so so scared... the real events were so extremely horrible and awful... i g4g and v0mit even thinking about them... thats how horrible and awful these mistakes were... I dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a Chomo or a r4pist or anything like that... im so so so so so so so so so so triggered and scared and anxious...
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