Suicidal OCD- Coping? Am I getting past it?

My biggest fear is developing a depressed mindset. I associate depression with suicide so I’m terrified of both. So many of my friends are depressed and want to end their life so the possibility that I could be like that to bothers me. I’m scared of not knowing myself and my own capabilities. Like what if one day I am sad and hate my life?! Not knowing is truly a scary thing for me. I’m scared of rope, and balconies. Because I’m scared of harming myself. My intrusive thought is more like what if I am depressed and I don’t know it and I snap and hurt myself. My imagination takes over, and I can almost replicate the feeling of depression. Like a warning that I don’t need. I think I have empathy for others then the empathy becomes self fear. Because there is always a “what if” or “do I want to” or a “am I”. Even though I know I love my life, find joy in so many things, look forward to the future, my depressed fear comes on and I feel like someone I’m not, which leads me to the fear of hurting myself! Anyone else relate? Or have tips they used to overcome suicidal/fear of depression OCD?!

flocr

Date posted: 50w

Omg I have exactly the same thing! I love how you described it like you feel like youre someone youre not. The thoughts can almost become like « I want » even tho I reallyyyyy know I dont want of course and I am happy! And then, this thought makes me feel sad and kinda « depressed », but its just anxiety. But I associate this temporary state with depression and suicide, which is completly false. Youre not alone, a lot of people have exactly the same

Anais V

Date posted: 50w

@flocr Thank you omg. Gosh sometimes it feels so real. Like legit I question everything. And it tends to always come when I’ve had the most fun! Like what? Is it the same for you?

flocr

Date posted: 50w

@Anais V Yes!! Sometimes im with my friends, everything is perfect, and then it pops up and ruin my time. But you know people who tend to have these fears are the most happy persons! Because OCD attacks the things we love (in this case, life)

Anais V

Date posted: 50w

@flocr Ugh! Yeah. The best moments, and that’s so true life is our biggest value. Sometimes I start to overthink life and I’m like what if I don’t like it one day. Then, in moments where no fear of suicidal thoughts or depression, it feels way to relaxed so then I worry that like what if having a clear mind is what depression feels like! A never ending loop!

flocr

Date posted: 50w

@Anais V I relate so much. I try to think about it that way: if everytime that I dont think about these things (which is rare!), I feel good, relaxed and no anxiety, it must mean something. Feeling bad about the thought of suicide is exactly the opposite of a real suicidal’s mind! Really hard to think that way, but I try to remind myself these things. Also, I have existential thoughts, like « whats the meaning of life, whats the point? ». I know there is meaning, but ocd tries telling me otherwise. Do you also have that? Anyways, we just need to remember OCD is a LIAR. Always!!!

Anais V

Date posted: 47w

@flocr Hi, I’ve not been on here till yesterday. But yes!! I totally get that! The existential thoughts. Sometimes the existential thoughts trigger my fear of suicide thoughts cause it’s like why am I thinking so deep about what life is and so on?! It’s terrifying!

No matric ce...

Date posted: 51w

Hello are you seeing a therapist?

Anais V

Date posted: 51w

@KeerenJialal No

AaaAnonymous

Date posted: 50w

Hey. I don’t really have suicidal ocd. I do a bit but not really. But I do have a huge fear of getting depression. It’s a new theme for me. And I’m the same that I can actually replicate the feelings which make me feel like I actually am and then I questions if it’s ocd or actually depression and then I get so scared

Anais V

Date posted: 50w

@Anonymous Yes! Exactly! I do the same thing. Then I question my happiness, and then question if it’s ocd or depression. It’s nice to know others do/ have the same!

AaaAnonymous

Date posted: 50w

@Anais V Same girl. I can totally relate. It makes me scared aswell that I’m going to give myself depression because she’s in worried about it and monitoring how I feel all the time

Anonymous2212

Date posted: 21w

False Memory/ ROCD

I am diagnosed with OCD, ADHD, and mild depression. But my OCD symptoms are so prominent in my daily life where it feels debilitating. It comes in waves, there will be months with very minor symptoms and other times where it comes in random hitting me like a truck making me rethink life. I grew up having intrusive thoughts of all types, and a lot of them sent me over the edge because I couldn’t understand why things of such sort would cross my mind, things that I’m sure to this day that I’m incapable of or would never want to actually do. Yet I find myself in a constant cycle of trying to dig deep in the past and trying to figure out if I ever acted on any of the intrusive thoughts I can remember, yet ofc have no recollection of acting on them because they most likely didn’t happen. However, not having concrete proof of these things makes me not want to see another day sometimes. It is so hard to move into daily basis like this. I’m also in a happy healthy relationship and sometimes I get these thoughts of “what if I’ve done something awful during the relationship (for example, cheat, dishonesty, etc.) and can’t remember?” I know I would never do anything intentionally to harm my relationship and I think that maybe the idea of not having my partner sends me down a rabbit hole to think all these things. This mental fight is getting harder and harder. It feels unbearable. Does anyone have some fruit for thought, relate, or have any tips?

Medicine2021_

Date posted: 13w

Suicidal OCD and harm OCD

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…

justsomone1

Date posted: 13w

scared of being depressed.

I usually would say I’ve never been depressed , but recently in my life since my anxiety/ocd has been so bad and having relationship problems I’m feeling kinda sad / stressed. I keep getting scared of being depressed I keep having intrusive thoughts of “ you’d would be better off if you weren’t living” “ I don’t wanna live if it’s like this” and it’s just scaring me 😞

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