ERP

@Nica Thank you. I got myself an easy meal. It’s hard on these nights when I have a hard time eating. Less effort helps at least get something in my system.

@melsxae Honestly I have no idea if it’s compulsions or not. I just feel like such a despicable horrible person and I just want to punish myself so bad. I was left with uncertainty at the end of my therapy session, which is expected but my default is to tell myself “well they didn’t say whether I was or I wasn’t, so I am”

@hestia Yes, I understand that, ocd and anxiety can affect in any situation even when it does come to therapy and help, and I have had those thoughts of doubt, but I say go along with what you know and think to be is right, and not what the negative and intrusive thoughts tell you is right. I'll tell you myself that if you haven't committed crimes or done anything illegally bad you are not despicable and do not deserve to feel like you have to punish yourself when you haven't done anything wrong. It's what your brain is telling you and making you believe, not what the actual truth is. Our brains are strong and hold us back from the truth sometimes, and the negative thoughts take over and make us believe something completely different to the actual truth, I'm not sure about your exact problem, but I've definitely been in the same boat and probably still am, and I totally understand and relate to what you are experiencing. It sounds like maybe you wanted reassurance from the therapist and they didn't say enough or say what you may have expected for them to say, leaving you feeling uncertain, but that's just another ocd and intrusive thought lying to you and making up what you "could" be. Maybe if you feel uncertain next time you could ask them about something you may be concerned about and then you won't have to leave the session questioning yourself and what's true and what's not

@melsxae Thank you for the reply. I even told her or “confessed” that I was worried if I was still on good terms with her, or if I was going to be in trouble and she said “maybe maybe not”but even then, I know that I would wonder if she was just playing it off like interrogators do to build rapport. My mind honestly is the worst. It will tell myself I am bad and there’s always going to be a loophole that tells me I’m bad. I’d want to see how I am with my therapist, but even then it’s reassurance seeking. I know it’s part of therapy, but erp sometimes ends up feeling worse

@hestia Totally get that, sometimes working things on your own can be more helpful as it's more suitable and suited to you, and you can find and do methods by your own when you feel comfortable to, again I understand how here uncertain response is triggering to you, is also triggering to me because i would be annoyed if someone wasn't telling me something straight, but then regardless that isn't your fault if you did confess and she didn't give you a straight answer, and is her fault for making you question and feel unsure

@melsxae I understand. I think she meant well, and in a sense it would have been reassurance. It’s just so hard of course. I guess it’s the trigger and the worry that I’m only worried due to getting “caught” which leads to another obsession about whether I am being moral or just wanting to not be found out. And it’s also a nightmare to know that my brain will find any and every way to get me trapped.