Moment of honesty here: I’ve been resisting compulsions pretty consistently the last day or so and I feel absolutely terrible. I’ve been doing ERP and I feel absolutely terrible. Plus my OCD is telling me that, since the things that the things I’m told will help me aren’t yet, I must actually be trans. Though it’s a slightly different kind of terrible. Of course this makes sense. With ERP you’re triggering yourself on purpose, and by refusing compulsions you’re cutting yourself off from the thing that would give you (very short term) relief. I just have to sit with the doubt, the uncertainty, the fear, the possibility, and try to accept it. The near constant anxiety, of always having that vague feeling of being on the verge of tears, or like I’ve been crying even though I haven’t. Of course I feel terrible. But it’s also hard not to be discouraged. Especially when I hear people say they felt some manner of relief from the start of therapy. I’m told that this will eventually subside, that I’ll feel normal again, but that feels like a very long way off, if it ever even comes.

I’ve been living with terrible for many years now and am only now starting to understand all of it and I haven’t even started actual therapy yet, but I’ve been fighting my worst compulsion of skin picking since I was a preteen. One thing I’m finding that actually helps is meditation, try downloading the “headspace” app, it will start you out with sessions as short as three minutes just focusing on your body and your breath. I know it almost sounds too simple to do anything, but it really helps.

Thanks. I’ve meditated before and it helped, I need to get back in the habit.

I had never really meditated before, that app has been great for me to get started and they have all kinds of guided meditations, I’ve been having a lot of fun with it. That and my yoga practice, which has helped with my staying with it even when things get really hard, both in my practice and in life. I never realized how much something so physical could help with my mental and emotional issues, but I’ve been feeling much better in the weeks since I started.

Hi, I don’t want to offer reassurance and just feel sharing my experience may help you reground because it sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed by this. For me the first major spike I had was post partum and it took weeks of therapy before we could even properly begin ERP because I was so distraught, after that it took again weeks/months for it to feel like it was working. It took every ounce of strength I had to apply what I was learning and to start with it was literally a moment here and there that I’d feel like the OCD was loosening it’s grip and those moments gradually got longer and more frequent. Even when I reached a place I recognised as recovery from that spike where I was functioning again I still had this lingering weighted feeling like I was tainted somehow, I still had to keep working at it but I got my life back and felt like I was managing again. This was over a year ago, fast forward to a few weeks ago a new theme starts and brings me to my knees again, I start therapy again and like last time there is no relief to start with, yes I hear what the professional says but I just cannot take the leap of faith and fully trust that my brain is ill at the moment and not working as it should. So again it took time, weeks for therapy to sink into my brain and for me to truly trust my therapist and husband and to believe that this is not me but OCD misfiring messages in my brain. I began feeling much better but now I feel it trying to pull me down with another theme. I am reminding myself this is OCD, I am ignoring it as best I can, I am accepting I have OCD and experiencing these thoughts and feelings are part of that and I am refocusing my attention on constructive things in my life. It is not easy and by no means am out of this spike yet, but sitting with that doubt, the uncertainty, the fear, the anxiety and carrying on with your day anyway is where the recovery happens. You are doing amazing! I know the battle and I know you are incredibly resilient. You’ve got this x