Does anyone relate?

I love my boyfriend so much. I am so afraid to get married though because of my OCD. A year ago I was fine and excited to eventually get married, but now it seems super nerve-wracking, and impossible, to me. I am a Christian and I have struggled with a lot of sexual sin in the past, before me and him started dating, but it eats me alive and I feel like if we do get married I have to confess all of it to him and that if I don’t I’m being dishonest and it’s horrifying. I know that nothing I ever struggled with was really that bad, I’m not going to get into that but he pretty much already knows the worst of it, but even when I have opened up to him I just feel like it’s not enough. My intrusive thoughts tell me that if I don’t tell him *everything* I’ve ever struggled with that I’m terrible, dishonest, a bad person, a hypocrite, a liar, that one day things will completely implode, that I’m destroying our relationship even though it’s completely healthy and he’s SO good to me, etc. I hate feeling this way. I want to marry this man, but it has become so terrifying to me. I feel like I absolutely do not deserve him and that I’m too awful and damaged for him. Me and him are long-distance and I’m even scared to meet him, to kiss him, etc. because I’m terrified of these fears coming up when I do. When I picture myself in 5-10 years being potentially married with kids, that thought in itself doesn’t give me anxiety, and in the grand scheme of things I can picture myself moving on from this anxiety, but at the same time in the present moment I feel like I’ll never move past this. I think this may be a form of ROCD and/or scrupulosity. I hate it I hate it I hate it. Does anybody else feel this way? Any other Christians who maybe relate?

I have dealt with ocd confessing for quite a few years now but I have the urge to confess everything bad I’ve ever done to my partner and I’m scared if we get married that I’m not being honest if I don’t tell him about my past - (sleeping around) there was also a cross over where I was speaking to another guy whilst me and my current partner were getting to know each other. I have also spoke to a few guys in the club or pub (only friendly conversations, no flirting) whilst we have been in a relationship which I didn’t think was a big deal at the time but I feel like I’m going to end up loosing him by confessing everything I’ve ever done when I know it’s not a big deal in hindsight, I feel physically sick about this. Does anyone have advise or similar experience?

tmi warning for sex and intrusive thoughts, sorry😭 i have sexual trauma that sometimes makes sex with my boyfriend (who i love very much, is very understanding, and whom im very much attracted to) very difficult. but it was getting better until the pocd theme hit out of nowhere. i can't let him touch me sexually at all without getting some kind of intrusive thought or image and its disgusting- and if i manage to ignore it long enough to focus on how what we're doing feels and start feeling good, i freak out. "what if this feels good because of the thoughts?" i just want to be able to have that experience with him without ocd ruining it. i cant even think about it anymore. any advice?? thank you🫶🫶