Relationship OCD is hell!!!

I have grown up in a Christian community and kind of always been around people who believe Christianity or even catholic. In the past few years I’ve really dove deep into my faith and honestly felt good about myself sometimes but overall terrified and like I’m a horrible person if I do one thing wrong or make a wrong sin. I’m also not sure if I completely believe in all the traditional Christian practices anymore. But I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 5 months and everything is going great. We communicate and he’s so loving and respectful and I honestly don’t have any major issues In the relationship. I used to have a big fear of men starting when I was like 7 aboit my grandpa or my dad trying to rape me (even though they are good men and showed no real signs of it). But it ruined my relationship with them both for awhile til it eventually went away. I always told myself it was because the “spirit” of ocd was rebuked by Jesus but I honestly don’t know. Now I’m dealing with a more extosential or religious ocd where I’m terrified I’m a horrible person for being in a relationship and almost feel worse about myself if I get closer to God. I also feel like if I get too close to God then I have to choose between Him and my bf and I can’t have both. It’s driving me in San and I feel like if I tell anyone any of this they’ll tell me to just break up with my bf even though there isn’t anything wrong in our relationship. Idk what to do and it’s so draining

I am in a relatively new relationship (around 2 months) and it has been completely virtual due to varying circumstances. I have never been in a serious relationship before and my past “exes” have never been this serious or brought up any of these feelings. About a month in I started having tons of symptoms and thoughts I figured were due to an SSRI change (i eventually went back to my original med/dose) however, it has remained quite bad since. Thoughts include: -I don’t actually like my partner, I just like the feeling of being wanted -I have crushes on other people, including my partners friends who I barely know -I don’t feel butterflies so I must be losing feelings for him -I think he’s ugly/im just not attracted to him -I’m secretly a lesbian and I’m wasting his time by being with him -a general feeling of dread, wrongness, or needing out of the relationship -not being able to believe him when he reassures me about everything -all of the above is just my genuine feelings and I’m using ocd as an excuse These are obviously crazy things to think, however one of my biggest compulsions is confession and self sabotage so I have told my partner all of these things in detail. He’s really great and patient about all of it but I can tell it weighs on him. Hes even recently expressed feeling like it’s his fault and that he wonders if it wouldn’t be this bad if I was with someone else. I feel so miserable but i feel like I’d be miserable in any relationship but im scared that’s not the truth and my ocd isn’t real. When it’s good i feel the most romantic love for him I’ve ever felt toward anyone ever. He’s an incredible person but I just feel so alone and lost on what to do. I’ve literally tried to break up with him like five times and each time we’ve ended up wanting to stay together. I’m really really scared I’ll never get better or this is simply the wrong relationship for me.

I’m a good man and I know that. My OCD revolves around relationships. While dating someone a truly enjoy, I find myself needing to compulse everything on my mind or else I feel like I’m being a liar or keeping secrets. I also am pretty confident I suffer from false memory ocd. I don’t like to put a label on things but I’m 99.9% sure I do. My compulsions a lot of times come from things I’m not even sure are real. The more thought I put into them, the more I start to believe they are real. One of the worst compulsions I had in my relationship was I had a thought “what if I find my ex more attractive” and “what if I thought the sex with them was better”. I ended up compulsing these things to my gf. After lots of time to think and get a ahold of myself I was able to remind myself that these things weren’t true and I was just in a downward spiral. There was a 2-3 month period where every time I was relieved of something then I would instantly think of something else. These compulsions have caused insecurity in my gf and I feel like a terrible person. Never meant to hurt her at all and was just trying to find a sense of relief. While I know it is not true, I can’t fix things with words and I feel terrible. I would love to hear from people with tricks and strategies that can help. I love my gf and want to fix things and understand this is not a relationship fixer app but I would like to know what are some ways you are able to deal with these kind of things.