Need advice

@djflorio What if you’ve already given in to the ruminations for months, and now you feel like you might listen to the intrusive thought bc you weren’t able to completely talk yourself out of it and part of it “makes sense?”

@Anonymous - That's all just the doubting mind. It's still that same fear of uncertainty, so honestly the same advice applies. From a logical perspective, I can say that thoughts can't "make" you do anything. That's not how they work, and that's not the purpose of them. You do not act "because of" your thoughts, even though it may feel like you do. There are many neuroscience studies around this. Regardless, this is just kicking the can down the road. Now instead of being anxious about the uncertainty that you'll kill yourself, you're anxious about the uncertainty that your thoughts will convince you to kill yourself. Same thing, different target. At the risk of providing reassurance, I can tell you that I ruminated about suicide for years before I learned how to deal with it. These thoughts about suicide are forever stuck in the future. Always bring yourself back to the present moment.

@djflorio It’s so hard though I feel like I can let them go while no on my menstrual cycle but a week before my said time of the month the thoughts flood I get depressed and my brain goes am I aren’t I and it makes me want to scream into a pillow cause I feel like I’m losing my mind 🤦🏼‍♀️ then once my time of the month ends I’m fine .

@Walters15! - Of course, I understand. This is very difficult stuff and requires a pretty dramatic shift in how you respond to these thoughts. I'm sure dealing with the menstrual cycle makes it very difficult as well. Do you have a therapist you can speak to? Specifically, if you are able to speak to an OCD specialist about this, I highly recommend doing that. Having the guidance of a professional is extremely beneficial. My advice is to take it slow and start small. You can try setting aside 5 minutes a day to sit mindfully with these thoughts, and simply use that time to investigate how it feels. Maybe even try writing the thoughts out without filtering them at all, which is another proven strategy.

@djflorio Did it ever make you question or did you ever have like “urges” or scared you were going to act on them when you got sad ? Like I’ve never been depressed in my entire life , I’ve been sad of course but without these thoughts now when I’m sad it tends to pop up more . And it’s making me feel depressed , if that makes sense .

@djflorio Did it ever make you question or did you ever have like “urges” or scared you were going to act on them when you got sad ? Like I’ve never been depressed in my entire life , I’ve been sad of course but without these thoughts now when I’m sad it tends to pop up more . And it’s making me feel depressed , if that makes sense .

@Walters15! - Oh absolutely. I was afraid to be in apartments with balconies because I thought I might jump. Waiting at subway stops, I'd imagine myself jumping in front of the train, and couldn't tell if I really wanted to or not. I'd sit in my apartment and cry because I imagined how my mom would feel if I did it, which made me feel terribly sad. And of course I associated any feeling of sadness or depression with suicide, so it just kept the cycle going. It got to the point where I stopped making plans for the future because I just assumed I wouldn't be alive within a few months. I felt so lonely because I couldn't even describe what I was going through to anyone. Being afraid that I was going to kill myself didn't even make sense to me. It's understandable that this state of mind can be depressing. But I want to reiterate: the problem is not these thoughts about suicide. The intrusive thoughts alone aren't making you feel depressed. The RESISTANCE to them is what is causing the real problems. It can be very hard to understand that, but once you do, things start to make a lot more sense.

@djflorio The resistance? How do you mean ? Yes my brain keeps telling me I’m not gonna make it to Christmas or Halloween or my kids birthdays and it makes me sad and hard to get excited about them . Did it ever confuse you like what if I am “s” or did you ever think “I just wanna give up this is to much to handle “ and then the anxiety just run crazy through your body ?

@djflorio Also so sorry for all these questions just trying to navigate this . It’s been since may that this started

@Walters15! - By resistance, I'm talking about trying to push the thoughts away, or simply not accepting that they exist. Basically any time you want a thought to go away, you are resisting it. You basically need to train yourself to not care that the thoughts are there, which is where exposure therapy and mindfulness are very helpful. Yes I've experienced everything you're mentioning. It's very confusing and contradictory to have this fear. It's almost like a paradox. You don't really want to die, but the intense fear around it is so uncomfortable that you wish you could just give up, which only makes the fear worse.

@Walters15! - It's okay I understand. I hope I can be helpful in some way. It's always hard when trying to communicate through writing alone. I hope you're able to find someone you trust who you can talk to face-to-face!

@djflorio Thank you so much for responding ! 🙏