Please read: Can ocd make you feel like you want it? And enjoy the thoughts? I wouldn't be this distressed if I enjoyed them I know that for a fact but it feels like I do and that terrifies me so so much. I'm really struggling right now and losing hope I HATE my brain so much.

So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.

It’s like my brain is doing everything in its power to convince myself and also justify an attraction to teenagers. I hate myself. I don’t want to be this person, but what if I don’t have a choice. How do I get these thoughts out of my head permanently. I feel like my life will never be the same if they don’t leave forever. I can’t tell what is a real desire and what OCD is trying to convince me is a real desire. I can’t do this every day for the rest of my life. I don’t want to hurt anyone, or I don’t think I do but how do I even tell anymore. This might not even be OCD at this point, I can’t separate my thoughts from OCD thoughts I think because I’ve had OCD for so long so it all just feels like me. Maybe it is me. TMI but I haven’t pleasured myself in like a week because my libido is so low now, I don’t want to do it with these thoughts.

i think i might be struggling with depression. can depression make ocd worse? because lately, my intrusive thoughts have become so intense that even trying to sit with them doesn’t help. i hate that i can’t even go one full day without giving in to a compulsion. the horrible, blasphemous thoughts are so overwhelming that i sometimes feel like giving up and just believing them—not because i actually want to, but because I’m so mentally and emotionally exhausted. what scares me most is that my feelings feel so twisted now… like i’m starting to like or want these cruel thoughts. it’s terrifying because i feel like i’m becoming the kind of person I never wanted to be—a cruel person, even an enemy of God. and i don’t want that at all. i'm just scared i’m changing into someone i’m not.