This one event makes me lose hope 18+

I've had OCD since I was 18 years old. In the middle of 2020. A year later, when I was 19, there was someone that asked me for help with their POCD. They were also a minor. I don't know what made me want to help this person, since at the time I had POCD myself and I didn't want anything to do with children. I still don't want to be close to anyone underaged. I decided to help this person the best I could with their OCD and right off the bat I let them know I was uncomfortable with talking with a minor since I was over the age of 18. I did my best to solely focus on helping this person. Eventually, I didn't really feel like I was helping this person and it got to the point where I didn't want to speak to them anymore because of the age difference and I didn't want to continue this. In between helping them, I feel like I said things I shouldn't have, like bringing up my sexuality in response to something that was OCD related or may not have been, or the topics we talked about in relation to POCD. I just feel like I was better off not doing this. I feel like I can't move on from this at all. I never thought about this until a controversy triggered my memory and I started remembering all of this horror. I did not want anything to do with this person inappropriately and I set my boundaries with how this would go. I just don't know why I didn't leave at the beginning. I just wish I did. Maybe this was another instance where I just wanted to stop listening to the thoughts so closely, believe in who I really am and just try to educate someone on this challenging disorder. I do hope this somehow helped this person. I just can't stop thinking about this and the age difference and how much it messes me up. I just feel like my life is over when I think hard enough about this. I just feel like I can't get the life I want.

dust

Date posted: 49w

sup

dust

Date posted: 49w

I struggle with this too to some extent

BigGyro09

Date posted: 49w

Sorry to hear that. Wish we had a way out of this

dust

Date posted: 49w

@BigGyro09 maybe we gotta just commit to stop trying to feel safe through our compulsions and allow “contamination” to be there, at least for the sake of treating our mental illness.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 49w

@dust Yeah, that's what everybody says. It's either that or reassurance from people here that helps in the moment. All I can really do is go off on my intentions and I know they weren't bad. I just wanted to help this person, and I made it clear that I wasn't the most comfortable with it. Guess the most triggering thing about it is that at one point I brought they brought up sexuality in response to POCD and I didn't dismiss it right away but I made a point about confusion among it and that I had thoughts about my own I guess. It wasn't meant to get close to the person, it just sort of came up. Guess I really just have to sit with it.

dust

Date posted: 49w

@BigGyro09 it’s ocd needing to be 100% microscoping everything and you’ll keep getting stuck in compulsion cycles as you as you care about 100% accuracy and using the microscope (harder said than done; and I question me even saying this LOL)

dust

Date posted: 49w

as long as*

dust

Date posted: 49w

You know, probably you using the microscope and avoiding stuff as you talked with this person set the stage for you to keep worrying about it.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 49w

It might be my mind all over the place but I'm not too sure what you mean by this.

dust

Date posted: 49w

@BigGyro09 you were already doing avoidance and neutralizing compulsions when you talked with this person about ocd n stuff. this didn’t help you to avoid, actually it may have led to helping you worry more about it later on by keeping you stuck doing compulsions to feel safe from your fears and keeping you looking into “the microscope” to make you analyze everything in your life.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 49w

@dust I kind of understand. When it was all over I didn't worry about it at all until a controversy sparked it all over again. At the time, even with OCD, I knew that I was being really careful with how I was talking with this person but eventually just decided to no longer do it anymore because I felt like I wasn't helping and the difference was making me more uncomfortable.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 20w

Life kinda just sucks right now 18+ only

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.

Givenup

Date posted: 17w

Pocd and anxiety

I hope someone can respond... Im genuinely so triggered and so anxious... Dr disrespect was accused of inappropriately messaging and sending explicit images to a minor, and trying to meet up with them at twitchcon... my POCD is saying that my situation with me venting about 18+ explicit HOCD stuff to people in the PM's on an OCD groupchat I found from NOCD, including the minors, when I was 19, means that I am just as bad as they are... or worse... I pm'ed them from the support group and vented to them in private (including the minors) about my 18+ explicit HOCD struggles... one was uncomfortable by it so i stopped venting to her after she told me she was uncomfortable by it twice... the other gave me reassurance so i kept asking her for reassurance for my 18+ hocd struggles... I dont ever want to ever be attracted to minors in any way... I dont ever want to ever engage in any inappropriate relations with minors in any way... i dont ever want to EVER be a MAP, a P, or a gro*mer in any way... I dont ever want to be what my pocd says about me... im so scared... someone said that I need help, that I need to turn myself in, and that im hiding behind a diagnosis because of this situation... i genuinely feel so hopeless... I dont ever want to ever be a monster...

isharemycigs

Date posted: 15w

What do I do

when I was 15 soon to turn 16, I met this girl in a IG group chat made by our mutual friends. We started talking and eventually we started flirting and talking sexual towards each other, though eventually we stopped talking because she was being really weird. A couple months later In July of 2024 my friend found out that she was actually 13 and that she lied to me about her age. It's been 10 months since l've found out and I still feel so disgusted in myself. I had my suspicions at the time but I let them go since she said she was 16 turning 17. I was completely oblivious trusting someone I only knew online especially since i've never seen their face either. i'm struggling on what to do since i've been suffering with POCD since I was 15. Till this day I still feel weird and disgusted in myself because of that. But it feels ironic since i'm sexualizing someone that's 2 years younger than me and I waited to confirm she was around my age range to sexualize her. I feel so weird and guilty about it idk what to do

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This one event makes me lose hope 18+

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