- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 1y
No contact
I’m struggling immensely right now. I’m on day 5 of no contact. I had made it to day 12 before. I have hit 5 days once before, 3 a few times, and 4 a few times. We have been broken up for 9 weeks. I don’t want to get into the specifics of why we broke up, but he is someone struggling with his own mental health and due to something he said that was very threatening and scary, I felt it was the only safe option for him, myself, and my child, to have him move out and work on healing and health in a space separately. It was to be a separation. We continued to deteriorate and it became a breakup. He has stated he may want to get back together but he needs total and complete silence right now. He said he may come back in a week, month, years, or never. But he loves me more than anything, I’m his soulmate, I’m his other half, and he knows we will see one another again. I couldn’t tolerate the distress of no predictable check-in and so I pushed for us to check in at 8 weeks no contact to see if we are taking more space, coming back together to work on things, or terminating things. He refused and said that is too much pressure and he just wants to focus on his own healing and maybe reach out if he ever decides. I said that was far too distressing as even a day is scary and difficult and I have a strong compulsion to reach out and try to talk and problem solve and keep us from losing what he have entirely. Things continued to deteriorate as our needs conflicted and his need for unfettered space and time was too distressing to me. He was unwilling to take me into consideration to try to meet my emotional needs too. So the relationship is now a very and he has stated he never wants to get back together because my behavior is so “disgusting”. He got very cruel. It’s hurt a lot. I still feel the strong impulse to reach out because maybe this time if I can explain it correctly, explain my heart, continue to take accountability while neglecting any of the pain caused to me, and try to fix and repair this, he will come back and love me and stay. All of my abandonment wounds are activated and this is the most distressing thing to me. It feels love has fully gone away and I will never get him back. And even though he was emotionally and psychologically abusive, I can’t tolerate the discomfort and grief of him leaving forever. It’s replicating my parental trauma to a T. I don’t know how to cope with the distress of the uncertainty and the loss. I know how to deal with ERP surrounding contamination and found recovery. But this is new. I don’t know what I’m doing. And I’m very sad. I’m extremely sad.