No contact

I’m struggling immensely right now. I’m on day 5 of no contact. I had made it to day 12 before. I have hit 5 days once before, 3 a few times, and 4 a few times. We have been broken up for 9 weeks. I don’t want to get into the specifics of why we broke up, but he is someone struggling with his own mental health and due to something he said that was very threatening and scary, I felt it was the only safe option for him, myself, and my child, to have him move out and work on healing and health in a space separately. It was to be a separation. We continued to deteriorate and it became a breakup. He has stated he may want to get back together but he needs total and complete silence right now. He said he may come back in a week, month, years, or never. But he loves me more than anything, I’m his soulmate, I’m his other half, and he knows we will see one another again. I couldn’t tolerate the distress of no predictable check-in and so I pushed for us to check in at 8 weeks no contact to see if we are taking more space, coming back together to work on things, or terminating things. He refused and said that is too much pressure and he just wants to focus on his own healing and maybe reach out if he ever decides. I said that was far too distressing as even a day is scary and difficult and I have a strong compulsion to reach out and try to talk and problem solve and keep us from losing what he have entirely. Things continued to deteriorate as our needs conflicted and his need for unfettered space and time was too distressing to me. He was unwilling to take me into consideration to try to meet my emotional needs too. So the relationship is now a very and he has stated he never wants to get back together because my behavior is so “disgusting”. He got very cruel. It’s hurt a lot. I still feel the strong impulse to reach out because maybe this time if I can explain it correctly, explain my heart, continue to take accountability while neglecting any of the pain caused to me, and try to fix and repair this, he will come back and love me and stay. All of my abandonment wounds are activated and this is the most distressing thing to me. It feels love has fully gone away and I will never get him back. And even though he was emotionally and psychologically abusive, I can’t tolerate the discomfort and grief of him leaving forever. It’s replicating my parental trauma to a T. I don’t know how to cope with the distress of the uncertainty and the loss. I know how to deal with ERP surrounding contamination and found recovery. But this is new. I don’t know what I’m doing. And I’m very sad. I’m extremely sad.

Brian__

Date posted: 1y

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this, I’m gonna try to give you the best advice i can with this. I know how hard something like this can be on you, I struggle with abandonment issues as well, I understand they are someone that you love and that you want them in your life but they need space, you are not a bad person or anything like that for wanting contact but in order for someone to heal sometimes they need to be alone, people can only heal by themselves it has to be a choice they make, someone has to make the choice to heal, they have to heal in there own way. I feel the relationship is toxic and I get you miss them but it’s for the best it ended up this way, I understand how hard this is on you but I promise this will do you good, don’t let this get you down, I know this is hard but you can and most likely will find other people, I know you must be scared that if you find someone else then they’ll abandon you to but this will not be every experience you ever have. I’ve lost so many friendships due to abandonment issues, but I promise you will learn to manage with this and cope with it, is there any sort of way you can reach out and get therapy for the issues the relationship has caused on you mentally? Once again I’m so sorry you’re going through this but it won’t be like this forever, there is hope for you as all feelings will pass. You can do this without them and you can live a fulfilling life without them. I know right now you think you need them but I promise you can get through this and you will be able to heal and move on, it’s not going to be easy or quick and it’s going to take time to heal but you will,I hope I was able to help you in some way and once again I’m so sorry your going through this and I wish you the best ❤️

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 22d

@Brian__ Thank you for this kindness. I took a fully year to heal on my own. I’m very newly in a relationship and quite aware that if it ends, I will be sad, but I won’t feel destroyed like before. And if he wants to leave, I want him to leave. I don’t want what doesn’t want me.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

And this was my live in partner, a stepfather figure to my daughter, and had asked her permission to propose and promised he would never leave. I’m devastated. Please be kind.

Anonymous

Date posted: 22w

OCD around my breakup

My partner broke up with my about 10 months ago. It came out of nowhere, and I got no explanation before they ghosted me and blocked me on all forms of contact. I have been horribly struggling since then with this obsessive need for closure. For a while I continued to try to reach out to them, on my own accord or through other people, but it just kept ending with more blocking. For months, I was going through the relationship and the breakup in my head over and over, picking it apart to try and figure out what went wrong, but without a conversation with my ex, I couldn't get anywhere. I am definitely doing much better now. the compulsions to reach out to her and the spiral obsession with figuring out what went wrong have both lessened. but they are still present, especially when I sleep. I really just want to be rid of the whole situation, but i want to do it in a healthy way without locking up my feelings. i really am at such a loss though. i still want answers and i still miss my ex in a lot of ways, but at the same time, the though of running into them scares the shit out of me. ive heard some horrible things about them since then, and how they have been spreading rumors about me behind my back. the situation cant seem to get any worse and it just keep happening. and it makes my ocd triggers so much worse too. idk, i will take literally any responses and any helpful advice.

Doopydoowa

Date posted: 19w

Please help-relationship advice

Hey everyone. I hope you all are doing okay. I’m currently struggling in the worse way I have through the course of my relationship. We are doing long distance right now, and I am unfortunately in the worse place I have been in. The uncertainty is absolutely unbearable. He is doing a cool new, consuming job 7 hours a way. He loves it, but I fear him loving the job so much that he stops caring about me. I have definitely noticed a shift in the amount of time he texts me and the energy he can give to the relationship. The job actually started off with 2 weeks of no phone. He has it again now though. We saw each other a couple of days ago in person for the last time we would in about two months. I was okayish when we were in person though I knew I would spiral later. And spiral I did. He left and I broke down. I am worried I will lose him. I start a really intensive EMT program in a week. It will be all-consuming for me. I can’t sleep very much and I don’t feel like eating. I know it’s pathetic. I am constantly consumed by these fears. I think I know what I need to do to combat them. Accept uncertainty but it feels like the possibly of it ending feels more real than ever. And I literally can NOT stop thinking about it. My brain feels in danger!!! I just worry that bad stuff is actually happening. I think we are going through a rough patch, but I also just feel more alone than ever. Drowning in my mind. What do I believe? I have a past of ocd, so it wouldn’t be surprised if it’s getting intertwined. Most people would say: it’s okay to ask him for reassurance about the relationship!!! But I feel like that’s the trap for me. I don’t know how to move forward. I know things are tough for us right now. But I’ve been floating back and forth on a spectrum of well maybe I just have trust to maybe this literally won’t work out!!! Texting and communicating over text is really hard for me. I am constantly analyzing it: how much energy is he giving? How much energy am I giving? Well I don’t want to do all the emotional labor, and be the main texter. But I also don’t care about texting that much and get exhausted with this back and forth.

Relationship OCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 8w

No contact

Girlfriend loved me more than anything in the world, but I became too obsessive, controlling, possessive, I would get mad at simple things then cry about things I was insecure about. I kept saying I'd change. But didn't. Eventually she got to a stage where she is done with our relationship and doesn't want it anymore, even tho a part of her still loves me and I love her more than anything in the world. I had the courage to make the decision of going into no contact to become a better person with the hopes of getting back together with her some day. She said, "some day" only comes with change. I asked her to wait for me. She said yes. We ended on good terms. Then why am I still insecure about her moving on while in no contact, why am I so sure that nothing will work out, that she'll fall in love with someone better than me, why am I being so pessimistic, why do I keep getting the urge to break no contact whatsoever, please help, any advice would be appreciated..

Relationship OCD

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