Okay, I think it’s going to be a long post I’ve been doing extremely well for over 9 months, I truly see in myself positive changes, I’m not overwhelmed by anxiety when I see something gay related, I don’t shy away from gay content etc etc. Nevertheless, sometimes I would get these very agressive groinal responses out of nowhere, those are really disturbing. They are the main cause which forces my brain to overthink and begin this vicious cycle of constant rumation. Yes, the rumination does not affect me nearly as much as it did in the past, but it is still like a worm in my head that eats me alive. For a couple of days now I’ve been having an idea, related to the Jung theory of the shadow self. Those familiar with it will understand what I’m trying to say. Basicaly, I started to analyze that maybe, the pure obsession that I have, related to my sexuality(hocd) could be a sign of my shadow self. Jung highlights the importance of the integration of the shadow self with the self, and he also points out that the shadow self sends us messages from the unconscious mind, our pure desires and needs. So my intrusive and obsessive thought lately has been regarding this theory. What if this means that my deepest desire is to be with a woman, to have a passionate love with a woman etc etc. Once I started to delve deeper into the subject, I found out that these signals of the shadow self are present since childhood, but, knowing that we are doing something prohibited, we as children tend to hide these kind of things. When I was about 6-7 I would always make my barbie have sex with a doll man, I would watch porn, I even wanted to be a pornstar because it would have meant that I would have sex every day. I would masturbate sometimes daily. With other words, I was a very sexual child. But there is one thing which alarms me, and my brain sees it as a reflection of my shadow self. When I was about 9 I wanted to teach my friend how to masturbate, and it all progressed till touching each others intimate parts. It is worth noting that this activity aming girls was popular in my neighbourhood. Morover, I wouldn’t have done it, if I didn’t see other girls do it and it seemed interesting to me, not to mention that I knew how pleasure felt like. Now, as I have these obsessive thoughts about my sexuality, I’m starting to have false(or maybe not) memories. For instance, I kind of remember thinking to make two of my barbies have sex, but knowing it was not something okay, I didn’t do it. Again, I’m not 100% sure of the credibility of this memory, but it definetely made me very anxious. My questions: What do you think about the shadow self theory? How could you explain my very sexual behaviour as a child? I remember that I wanted to have hetero sex so badly, but now I am totally anxious when it comes to sex. How can I change that?