it is currently 4am when im writing this but i stumbled across a video again while looking at OCD recovery stories and realising how much this content helped me. when i was nearing therapy was struggling with probably one of my worst ever relapses of OCD, the themes engulfed me, incest, paeodophilia, homosexuality, sadistic thoughts, and blasphemous. i couldnt control anything, i was constantly crying every single hour, i often went into states of numbness and confusion. i was a mess and i had to be treated. there was a day i got so bad i had to call the ocd phone consultant and finally tell her, she said she would quicken the date of my therapy sessions, and two weeks later i was being treated. at first i walked out that door with a grin on my face, knowing he knew what i was talking about, extreme relief that he never judged me, he knew what my intrusive thoughts were, he had even been through it, but still obviously some doubts like (is he good?) (does he know how to properly treat me) occured. the second session occured and i felt helped. third, fourth, fifth and by the sixth i was gaining beneficial relief from symptoms of ocd. i only have one session left of therapy which is the final review session. but i feel alot better. ive been doing my ERP, and i did my homework when needed. ive started to worry and doubt less and overall my anxiety has been sought, im happier now. even if i get a thought, i bite my teeth and let it go. i understand the bodily sensations better now too and can let them pass aswell. but thinking how i was in the past i was extremely trapped of course i still struggle with the thoughts, just not to as big of a degree. this is embarrassing but for the longest time the thoughts would stop me from masturbating, id get multiple of intrusive thoughts which just caused me to never do it again. now even with the images i masturbate, i just let the image pass and know not to feel bad about them, i dont enjoy them and never will enjoy them, but at least i know they arent me anymore and at least im able to control it. ive learnt that no matter how bad the thought is it doesnt mean anything and i shouldnt let it take over me, i know my desires, and my intrusive thoughts ARE NOT them. it only took me a total of 6 weeks to recover even a little bit. the ERP with the therapist was tough, as it started with my worst thought, my pocd. i cried alot. i felt horrible after, but only for a while. i became abit inconsistent but went back on top of it again, im still struggling with inconsistency though, and praying. i thought until a couple of days ago that i didnt deserve to pray, that god didnt love me. and even if i get better i still had the thoughts and it was a punishment from god. i really feel loved and that i wasnt meant to be guilty for the thoughts, that after all they dont conclude me, they arent my beginning or my end and they never will be. i am me, not my intrusive thoughts. and thats what my belief system is taking in now. i cant thank you enough for the work you do, im going to buy your book soon, and im going to try working at my ERP even harder. my ocd is probably one that will never completely go im realising, and thats okay. thank you for helping me learn that. one day i hope to be advocating for mental health and helping people who are experiencing such things. this is a debilitating illness that only deserves love and affection. we have the most strife because we are the most good hearted people, and i firmly believe it. through all those urges, thoughts and feelings, and panic attacks, i stayed strong! i stayed here! im still living even through immense suicidal thoughts. i am strong, i love myself. my speaking is more important than my ocd’s speaking. and now i know. so, everyone with ocd, stay strong. you are here and striving. ? xoxo