I want to be pure…

Can anyone relate to this? The idea of being human is so… overwhelming. I want things to be perfect and for them to be perfect and good it feels like I have to be something other than a person. Sometimes I feel like a trapped, confused child trying and failing to integrate into a world that at some point was shown to me as something threatening and demoralizing. I feel so easily disturbed, so easily violated emotionally, and it disturbs me. I’m not sure what to do about it.

Rayleigh

Date posted: 46w

Perfectionism ocd friend!! I started looking at all these problems AS perfect. Since humans are “supposed” to make mistakes, learn, grow, be “bad”, be “good”,’ I look at messy IMPERFECT life AS perfect!!! Like being a messy “UNPURE” human IS perfection boo, it IS the aesthetic it is pure. And if you have ocd you have a special attention to detail which is a plus!! Also ask yourself, what is perfect? and who taught me (what shows, media, people) what perfect is. It’s all abt perspective with ocd!!!

JaeJae20

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 42w

@Rayleigh This is sooooooooo profound!!! Do u have any more advice on this subject? I struggle with having the “perfect” life, career, relationship, house, social life, health, finances, etc and always feel the need to optimize my life all the time 😭

Rayleigh

Date posted: 42w

@Free2024 Im glad to hear!! I had to exposure therapy little by little. Ask yourself first, what is so safe and protective about these perfect things. What is “perfect” to you, who taught it to you? For me a perfect life is like those hallmark movies. Ask urself what feelings you are chasing with this perfect stuff, security? Protection bc no one can say anything If ur all perfect? You think you’ll feel satisfied and happy? You think your ocd will cut you a break? It’s just good to know that your perception of perfect came from somewhere that is SUBJECTIVE NOT FACT. You can have your cake and eat it too!! BIGGEST advice I have: done leads to perfect. Instead of sitting around and feeling the anxiety eat you up about what you need to be optimizing right now, act on each thing little by little. NOTHING will get you closer to “perfection” Than ACTION. Just do something and go back and tweak and tweak!! And ROMANTICIZE UR LIFE!! Put an aesthetic filter over the moment you are in currently. Think of yourself as a character in a movie, even their “before glow up” “bad part” beginning of the movie is still aesthetically filmed and is a vital part of the movie since it’s the lead up. It’s ALL PERSPECTIVE. I redefined perfect to me, what hit “just right”. Try to write and speak out loud, avoid the trap that is going into your OCD head. Instead of spiraling just have a couple manageable goals you remind yourself you are working on and get back to doing wtv you were doing in the moment. I did exposure by “going all in” cleaning and taking care of my room despite it not being perfect enough for me. It felt AWFUL. Uncomfortable, like a waste, unsafe. But over time I have freed myself from those shackles. When the urgency feeling in your heart kicks in, “I have to be perfect i could be working on this to better.” Sit and do NOTHING. These are THOUGHTS and feelings NOT reality. YOU are pressuring yourself, the entity that you feel is watching you and applying the pressure and making you clench your jaw is and not letting you win; that being is OCD. It takes PRACTICE. Your brain is a muscle, your receptors that say “hey this isn’t a logical worry” are messed up. By sitting with the TERRIFYING uncertain feelings you strengthen the receptors. Bc you will see time and time again nothing ACTAULLY happens. Extra tips: shadow work, ocd is linked with a lack of trust to one self. You can absolutely have the perfection aesthetic life you want inside and out, you are the creator. But STOP wjth rhe pressure and HAVE to even if you don’t achieve these things..like the millions of normal people without ocd..it lirerally does not matter. Your BEST chance that is actually efficient is ACTION. No matter how scary ACTION. It becomes easier and more rewarding as well. I was JUST ljke u and these SAVED me. Pls consider!! It’s hard work and some days I fall back, but overall ngl I love my ocd cus i am thorough and efficient and organized. I mastered it to become my sidekick, i force my obsession to be actually useful things like “ I have to finish this assignment” lol there is no rihht or wrong to life MASTER UR ANXIETY. Ocd wants you to be safe at all costs, perfection is safety. Except it’s not in todays world! But that anxious brain got your ancestors thru so now it’s yours lol love it

JaeJae20

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 42w

@Rayleigh I love this!! Girl you literally just transformed my whole perspective on this

Rayleigh

Date posted: 41w

@Free2024 My life is complete now🤣 srsly best compliment ever

dee012

Date posted: 25w

Feels like idk myself:(

A little sad and down. I just feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I grew up with trauma, made mistakes, dealt and still deal with hyper sexuality, and my ocd is so bad. All of this makes me feel tainted, like a weird bad person. I hate being around people and even talking to therapist bc I feel like ive successfully fooled them. Also, I recently saw a POCD hate train on TikTok so now I just feel like a fraud. I get all these thoughts and feelings that im just using ocd as a mask because I actually am a bad person.. and that im some sicko or something, and also my brain tells me and I go back and forth with myself about “oh you just have morals because you don’t want to be shunned from society, and if you were to have no rules you would do disturbing things” and I know I wouldn’t, because I have morals now that are ingraved into me…I just want a normal life. I just want to feel normal. I tend to feel useless in this world, when I really want to do good things but I feel tainted and like I taint this world. I try not to let this consume me but it’s hard.. If you read this thank you. I know I am just in a funk right now but sometimes I wonder if it will be a forever funk… or that I need to “accept” im a bad person so that I can move on… which I won’t bc even if I am (maybe maybe not… I will never know with ocd) I wouldn’t want to be.

rainbows

Date posted: 15w

A war inside

Does anyone feel like they’re fighting a war inside of them? I’ve slowly opened up to people about my past and things that happened ( I never thought I would ) but at times, I value truth and honesty and wanting to be a good person and this is something I just want to let go of because I’ve suffered with the guilt and shame and regret but my mind keeps on dwelling on it and bringing it back. Like I’m a fraud. This implies to all my mistakes that I’ve learned from. I normally tell my mom things but I don’t want to tell her these things. I love her and don’t want to bring shame upon my family or for this to be brought up over and over again. I did stupid things without logically thinking and I have the best mom ever and she trusted me with things when I was younger. I made mistakes with that trust and it makes me upset. I now feel like I’m ideally the “ideal” kid for my family and I wish to stay like that no matter my age. I’ve been trying to mange with my childhood mistakes. The shame and guilt. I’m trying to be a bit more compassionate but there’s always the thought that scares me, what if I was really evil? I used to hate looking at pictures of myself when I was younger but now when I do, I finally realize what they meant by “you aren’t your worst mistake” because I’ve done good and I’ve also screwed up. But I feel like I’m fighting a war with myself because I value justice and truth and so but I don’t even wanna talk about this or bring it up and my mind keeps targeting it and it’s exhausting.

nae nae

Date posted: 13w

Tired of feeling like a bad person

I genuinely can't help but feel irredeemable over every little mistake made or regret I've had. It's so up and down, but I just miss the certainty. Knowing "this is who I am." I'm so disconnected from myself. Like, I'm really, really trying. Today is really rough... I got triggered the other night, and it's been hell since. I've been fighting seeking reassurance. I want it so, so incredibly bad, but I know it won't help me :( Some days, I just don't want to be here. It's funny because yesterday I felt amazing until I got triggered. I just immediately spiraled after that. I don't know. Does it genuinely get better? Will therapy really help me? Sometimes, I think maybe this is the best it'll get, and that scares me. Sorry for the vent. I'm just feeling so overwhelmingly anxious right now. I can't even cry (due to Zoloft). It feels claustrophobic somehow, having all these emotions trapped inside of my body with nowhere to go 😭

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