- Date posted
- 47w
Traumatic event changed me
Something very traumatic happened in my life. I’ve actually had several very traumatic events, and years living in survival mode. I’ve spent the last five, almost six years in depersonalization and derealization. But a few months ago something very traumatic happened and I lost a lot of my friends, and a lot of things important to me. On top of this I live with my narcissistic parents who were trying to do everything to keep me from continuing to work to pave my road to independence. They were saying to take my time and mourn the loss, which is crazy because part of the reason of that traumatic event is that they tried to sabotage me. My dad threatened “if you don’t get your attitude right there will be consequences I don’t care how old you are.” I’m a young adult , I still live with my parents. They’ve made it nearly impossible for me to become independent. My “attitude” is nothing more than me trying to gain independence and maybe having a ‘slightly’ different opinion than him. I used to be able to rest at home after I came back from work. Now I’m 24-7 on edge. I have to act happy 24-7 and I can’t sleep at night. It’s 24-7 constant hell. I have no friends and no contacts. My dad has never been violent just to clarify but he’s terrifying because he still has control over me. I work two jobs right now. I’m doing it to help me pay for a car. But he’s trying to do everything he can to keep me from this. And ever since this traumatic event I can barely focus on anything I’m in a constant state of panic and fear. Before the event, I was doing really well at work and I had my plans all coming together. I could go to work, come home and rest. Now with work, I work twice as hard to focus but I’m half as focused even when I put in more effort. I am desperate. I will do anything to get out of this state of panic and get my focus back. I have to perform well at work to gain my independence. But the more worried I get, the more panicked I get. 24-7 I’m worried what is my dad going to do if I have the slightest “attitude” which he basically considers not pretending to be happy 24-7 and not laughing at every one of his jokes. He doesn’t even have a job he just stays home and basically annoys and tortures everybody and than tells us how terrible we are and tells us how we should be happier and how we’re terrible people and we all have to pretend like we think he’s a great person even though he literally does nothing. But anyway, I’m frozen in fear. I want to learn to compartmentalize. Before this traumatic event I could do this. Even though I lived with toxic parents I did my work for the day, I said “yes ma’am and yes sir” and showed respect then I went in my room, locked the door and I was done for the day. But now after this trauma I am in constant fear. Plus after my dad’s threat “there will be consequences,” I feel like I can’t relax even in my own home. Please help I need to compartmentalize what’s happening so I can rest at the end of the day. I don’t know what to do. I have to be able to focus at work instead of constantly being panicked. I read stuff that you need to do anything to escape a narcissist. Which is what I’m trying to do but I feel like the more I try to escape the more panicked I become so the less I can actually work because I’m just in a constant state of panic. I used to, before this even, just take it like one step at a time, one day at a time. I took independence one step at a time as well. And I think because of this I was actually on a trajectory to gain independence faster because I could actually focus on stuff. Now I’m just panicked because of my dad’s threats I feel like I have to escape. My mind keeps saying “I have to escape I have to escape.” But the more I try to escape the more panicked I become the less I can focus and paradoxically the less I can actually escape. Any one know what to do about this? It’s like the more pressure I put on myself the less I can actually function? Please any advice will help I’m desperate. This is a hellish way to live. I’m just begging for any relief from this hell. But I will not give up no matter what. I just need some advice on how to compartmentalize so I can some rest and some sleep.