hii

hii, i have so many things on my mind rn

@strawbrrypancake Are you feeling panicky rn? What r u thinking about

@Ijustriide well, can i say something really odd?

@strawbrrypancake Haha nothing is odd on here we all have some pretty *interesting* thoughts 😂

@Ijustriide so its my 3 weeks of no contact with my ex fling, i still miss him a lot, he told me he isn't ready for a relationship and after we separated he replace me with a guy from his school, we're kinda far from each other, i feel shit and all, i just feel so guilty sometimes when it comes to pleasuring, there's a time where i randomly have a thought of him having sex with his new bf and it aroused me and i feel so horrible about it bcz its so weirdd and earlier i suddenly have a thought again while u know and i feel aroused by it and it suckss??? its so weird, but yeah and also i feel guilty of doing sexual stuffs by myself bcz after it i feel guilty and like why am i doing that??? i still really do like him but why am i like that, im kinda fucked up idk help😭

@strawbrrypancake Tbh not as abnormal as you think. It is taboo per se but not abnormal. I mean look at porn categories. There’s a reason they all exist. People have fantasies. But these situations often don’t happen in real life and that’s bc there’s nothing more to it than that. If you imagined him finding out you had those thoughts I’m sure you wouldn’t be turned on by that situation. Or if you imagined actually seeing them together it likely would make you feel very differently. It wad a fantasy and since us ppl w OCD hold ourselves to a standard of perfection we feel extreme guilt for things like this

@Ijustriide u have a point about it, its not like i like it, i can imagine his face and maybe thats what makes me turn on? oh my goshh, but i dont want that tho😭

@strawbrrypancake Yeah I mean when I had tumblr back in the day the weirdest stuff would do it for me. And then now I’m like if I saw that in person I would not feel this way about it, it’s just a fantasy. And you subconsciously still have feelings for him so even tho the other guy is there it’s affecting your sexual thoughts. But you aren’t enjoying it so it’s nothing twisted

@Ijustriide yeah u're rightt, but aside from that i feel so stuck, like he already found someone new and im still here, i miss him so much and i also feel so mad about him, like im literally wishing him to like experience this and i want them to break up, have his karma, i also want him to go back to me, likee the fact that he still like my stories? i mean thats okay if its just a normal person but liking ur ex fling stories??? like thats so not okay but i wont deny that i dont like it tho, does that make me a bad person???😭

@strawbrrypancake I had a rlly similar situation right out of highschool. Me and this guy were “talking” for a few months. Said he liked me bc I was unique etc. he was being dry at the end so I dumped him. He begged me to stay and I said you seem like you aren’t even sure about me or want to talk to me so. Anyway he ended up getting a new girl and shoving his new relationship in my face 3 weeks later. He liked me bc I was different and yet he dated her. A religious blonde girl the complete opposite of me. A yr later he hit me up for nudes and dead ass said he still looks at pictures of me and thinks about it all the time. For years he continued until I told him it was messed tf up bc they got MARRIED. He finally stopped. But I realized him liking my stories and randomly hitting me up was him trying to get validation from me bc he was unsure of the choice he made in leaving but he actually was never going to leave her, and I would never trust him again for messaging me while he was in a relationship. Anyway I say this all bc it’s hard to get stuck in a cycle like that but these ppl do it on purpose liking stories etc. and you deep down want that validation too so it can be a toxic cycle

@Ijustriide im so sorry that happened to youu and you're right maybe he thinks that'll make me so crazy if he likes my stories or what, and omg im talking to a grown up person, im actually just a teenager so i kinda feel so wild having those things im so sorryy😭

@strawbrrypancake I’m 26 lol. Feels like it was all so recent 😭😂