There's a thinking pattern that I have that hurts

I think back to my childhood when things were better and where I didn't have any problems. Everything is too overwhelming and things just aren't good. But this breaks me because I think back to my kid self and how he could have never imagined things would be this bad or that I would be consumed by something as horrible as porn I just don't feel like I can do this anymore. I just don't feel like I believe I can get through this and it's bothering me so much that it's overwhelming.

1230Anonymous

Date posted: 44w

Porn really is horrible. try to not blame yourself… everyone is younger and innocent at one point, but porn is one thing that is almost impossible to not be exposed to, which is unfortunate, but it’s also not your fault that you were or are consumed by it. Just remember that the porn is terrible, not you

BigGyro09

Date posted: 43w

I try to remember that I didn't really get any kind of sexual education when I was younger and that being exposed to this had a big impact on me and there wasn't much I could have done against it with the knowledge I had at the time. I guess I'm just so used to being hard on myself by default. I'm just trying to accept that part of myself and continue to be kind to myself and improve my self esteem

Zoë_84

Date posted: 43w

@1230Anonymous Why is porn horrible? If it doesn't play in to weird kinks and/or isn't degrading to one or more participants, I don't see it as horrible. Porn addiction is an illness, as is alcohol addiction, but that doesn't make alcohol consumption in general a bad thing.

1230Anonymous

Date posted: 43w

@Zoë_84 Well for me and biggyro09, it has been horrible (so just my opinion, and relevant to the post) - just like alcohol, if you are exposed to it too young, it can cause problems, and many people are (if you open the internet as a kid and are curious, you will find something you might not be ready to see). whenever I’ve watched porn, I’ve felt bad afterwards (I’ve never felt good about myself after), so I wouldn’t necessarily call it a good thing or something with a lot of upside

BigGyro09

Date posted: 43w

@Zoë_84 It's only in my opinion that I don't want to associate my life with porn. I see it as a possessive, problematic source that hadn't benefitted me in the long run. It just depends on the person, and I'm not one of those people that can find a positive outlet or cycle with porn. I don't picture a future of my life where it remains in my life. It's been associated with negative times in my life and it still brings me very negative feelings. There are even points where I have a rise of anxiety afterwards and losing literal sleep because I watched it. Overall, it's just not something I want in my life. There's people that like it and are okay with it, and there's people that aren't.

Zoë_84

Date posted: 43w

@1230Anonymous Of course, porn is nothing a child should be exposed and I assume it can be quite traumatizing for a child to stumble on to it on the internet.

Zoë_84

Date posted: 43w

@BigGyro09 Thank you for explaining. I now understand why you feel negatively about porn. Have you tried therapy to overcome your habit of watching porn?

BigGyro09

Date posted: 43w

@Zoë_84 That's how it went for me. I don't remember how I came across it but I know I was only a kid and I wasn't supposed to. Right now I'm just trying to find the best ways to improve myself. I have tried therapy to overcome the habit. I'm just trying to accept all the things that have happened and not fight it with any kind of judgement. It's difficult, but I just have to keep trying.

Zoë_84

Date posted: 44w

I can totally relate. When I'm really down, I apologize to my former selves (little kid me, teenage me, young adult me) for what I have allowed to become of me. But the thing is, OCD is an illness, like any other mental, or physical illness. It is not our fault, that we suffer from it. I'd even say, that we show exceptional strength and endurance by getting up each morning and facing another day of our own mind launching vicious attacks on us. Don't give up, OCD is a sneaky lil' bugger, but one that can be taimed with ERP. @porn: Are you addicted to watching porn?

BigGyro09

Date posted: 43w

Yes, I am addicted to watching porn. It started at a very young age and it was my only exposure to any kind of sexual education. I got really hooked and I'm still working on getting a hold of the habit and not just breaking it but replacing it.

nae nae

Date posted: 25w

Looking back on things hurts

When I think back on bad memories or mistakes I've made when I was younger, I wish I could start all over again. Sometimes, it gets to a point where I'll start to imagine using a permanent solution. That bothers me even more, honestly. A year ago, I didn't think about these memories daily, weekly, or even monthly. If they did cross my mind, they didn't dictate who I am as a person, then or now. I've been trying really hard not to confess or research because I don't want to go back to that point in my life where it's all I did every single day. I don't want to end things. I'm just tired :(

BigGyro09

Date posted: 20w

Life kinda just sucks right now 18+ only

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.

HOY

Date posted: 17w

i dont know if its gonna get better

since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.

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There's a thinking pattern that I have that hurts

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