I feel this over and over

I keep feeling like I don’t want to be here, I can’t go into my local town without a major sense of anxiety or dread, I can’t find a job locally because it scares me, I wake up sad everyday that I’ve opened my eyes. But then I see my puppy laying next to me and I cry because no matter how hard I don’t want to be here he reminds me of the people who love me. But I’m in so much pain inside this head that I can’t even explain. And even though to the average person my thoughts mind seem normal or small to me they are the biggest problem in the world and I can’t control them. No matter what I do, I do something wrong. I tried to be the nice guy the other day sticking up for someone who hurt me but was hurt, turns out he messaged me and told me everything I did was disrespectful, hurtful and the people around me who I was telling to shut up because what they were saying was disrespectful was all my fault. I unblocked my ex (we weren’t officially seeing one another but everyone in our local town knew and we spent a year together) as I was there seeing how sad he was after I found out his gf cheated on him, thinking maybe we could be friends, turns out that was also an issue because I had his who I thought at the time was his ex who cheated on him blocked, but because I unblocked him and not her they seemed to think I want him back. I don’t. I’m seeing someone and moving on. But it’s all my fault. I’m the bad guy once again. I even explained all this to him when he messaged me pissed and nothing I said was good enough, he just said I call bullshit (lies) when it’s all the truth. I never want to be someone who’s disrespectful and I never intended on it. But now I’m sat here thinking what am I meant to do now? I hate my life so much but love the people in it, I hate myself so much but love the people who created me, I hate my life so much but love the world when I see my view outside my window. I hate life but want to love it. And everyday there’s someone there to stop me from enjoying it. If I didn’t wake up tomorrow I’d probably thank the world. Because this ain’t fun anyone, this isn’t a good time. This is hell. And this might be a fleeting feeling, moment or a time I’ll look back on and think wow I was down. But right now, right now I’m consumed. Right now I want this to stop. And even though I’d never do anything because of that lovely dog and family I am so lucky to have, the thoughts are so consuming about everything that I’m stuck on a way out now. What do I do?

JB1020

Date posted: 44w

So so sorry you are feeling this way. Like you said, a time will come where you are in a better place, but in the moment, these feelings can feel overwhelming and all consuming. At such times, we need to come back to the present moment and realize that we 1) control how we respond to things, including intrusive thoughts, rejection, misunderstandings, etc... and 2) control our actions. This gives you so many tools! Think of all the things you can do right now to improve your situation: Exposure and response prevention, a heartfelt conversation with a family member, forgive someone who has wronged you, do an act of service for someone, exercise, a healthy meal, volunteer, listen to uplifting music, go for a walk outside, etc... We build a life of positive action and joy by taking positive action and having joy *one small moment at a time*, and building from there. Don't give up. I'm praying for you. This too shall pass. And if you want my 100% honest and genuine opinion on the single best thing you can do - from someone who has seen all the lows - psychotic breaks, psych ward stays, severe OCD, mania, nihilism - get down on your knees, give your life to Christ, really truly mean it, and never look back. He's real, he loves you perfectly, and He promises complete peace. God bless you.

flyana

Date posted: 21w

oh my god, I'm struggling today

tw . . . . . . I don't want to trigger anyone, so please be warned before reading. I'm feeling pretty hopeless. I don't know if I deserve... anything. I've had two therapists now tell me I'm normal and I don't need to worry so much, but I find it hard to believe them. Just when I think I'm doing okay, thoughts flood back in. I feel like the world is better off without me in it and that others would agree if they weren't a paid therapist there to give me reassurance. I'm tempted to break up with my boyfriend because he doesn't deserve this. I want to pretend I'm okay for the sake of my parents. But if they passed away, I'm not sure I'd have much strength to live for myself. This feeling is pretty bad right now. Overwhelming. I have absolutely no love for myself. I can't even distract myself by watching TV or shows I love, because all I can think is, "Look at those people. They deserve to live and be happy, and I'm not one of them." Gah, this is bad. I'm an adult, and I feel like such a baby for feeling this way. How dramatic am I? How can other people have similar (if not worse) thoughts than me, and then still be ok with themselves? I miss the person I used to be. I miss feeling okay. I feel ok momentarily, but then it all comes crashing down. I can't stand it. All I want is for things to go back to how they used to be.

NateN49

Date posted: 10w

Afraid of being at home

I’m 21. The 3 year anniversary of my graduation from high school is soon. Lately, I’ve been worried about where I’m going in life and if it’s even worth it because I don’t know why I exist or what my purpose is After graduating I lost a new job I loved due to poor management on my boss’s side, they failed to teach me my job then fired me for it, and moved from my mom’s house into my dads house due to issues with my stepdad, both of which put me into a depression. I got a new job 3 months later. But ever since being fired and moving out, I feel like I’ve been in a depressive cycle of Eat, Sleep, Work, Repeat. I’ll get home and doomscroll for hours, and occasionally play games with friends at nights. Occasionally I’ll do my hobbies but usually feel guilty for it. I don’t see my friends and family nearly as much as I used to. I want to, but it feels like everything I want to do, my intrusive thoughts find a way to keep me at home. “It’s a waste of time.” “You need to be productive on your time off or you’ll go nowhere in life so stay home.” But then if I stay home it’s “you need to go out and do something.” “You’re being unproductive sitting at home all day.” “Seeing them wont make you feel better, you’ll never be happy” My girlfriend lives 6 hours away and is usually the only time I’d go outside and live and feel in the moment, but even then I’d feel guilt. I feel like my OCD makes me feel guilty for everything. She’s helped me a lot, but lately we’ve had a few issues we’ve worked past that made me fear for losing her too. I’ve felt depressed for years now. Before being fired, I usually felt pretty good and was almost normal feeling. I’d had control over my fears and intrusive thoughts of suicide and the meaning of life, and had accepted them and wasn’t afraid. I knew it wasn’t me. But lately I’ve been trying to push myself out of this depressive cycle, and it’s made my OCD and fears of suicide and if life has meaning, come right back. I’m handling it slightly better, but it’s still hard. I just want to move past this and stop questioning why I’m even doing anything, if I want to end it all, when I know for certain I don’t want to and that I get to make my own meaning in life. I have dreams, I want to get back into art. I want to move in with my girlfriend eventually and start a family. But my OCD makes me so scared to even try to make art, and it makes me so scared I won’t be happy or content with my dreams. I feel so alone and sad. I feel like life will pass me by while I’m stuck feeling this sad and scared. It sucks, but I’m trying my best to get there. Gotta keep moving

Emilia<3

Date posted: 6w

To anyone who cares

I’m really depressed and lately life has been really really bad. Everyday, it’s like something horrible happens and my mind tries to make me forget it. My family life isn’t that great and everything is super tough for me. It’s like when I get better I go like a million steps back. I ended up doing something bad today:ended up becoming aggressive to myself and caused some ouchies) it hurt a lot and right now I’m really stressed and have been for a while. My mental well being has been extremely bad these days. I have obsessive compulsive disorder but for me it’s decently strong so it’s hard to contain, Complex-trauma, depression, and possibly ADHD. It’s an awful mix. My life is a living hell everyday. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep lying to myself to Myself that I’m getting better when in reality I’m in so much pain, it’s like I’m barely doing anything at all. Please, help, I’ve been acting not like myself. I want to live, even though it’s extremely difficult too and I rather much not be here, but people are counting on me and I don’t want to fail them. How can I convince myself to stay a little longer when I am fully burnt out from trying to get better? I’m in so much pain. I don’t know how to even deal with it. I’m so lost, I might lose it more, and I’m scared for myself. I feel like I don’t even deserve help. I’m so mentally unwell I can’t even think correctly. I hate everything and just want to sleep forever and ever. I’m so numb to it all. I don’t feel anything anymore.

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I feel this over and over

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