I think I should leave

Being mentally ill (OCD and depression) cost me all if my friendships, leaving me completely alone. My family is a war zone and not a group of people I can find solace and comfort with. I started a relationship in January 2023, after my long-term relationship ended in 2020, because my then partner couldn't cope with my issues and the limitations they caused. Now my "new" partner is the only person I have left, but our relationship is getting worse and worse. I feel I can't be myself around him, that I constantly need to play a role in his presence. I also can't talk to him about things that matter to me. It always ends in him making a lot of accusations, e.g. that I misunderstood things he said and that I only pick things that feed my narrative. I often feel gaslit. Lately, I started to speak up more, because I just can't take it anymore, which made everything worse. I know I should leave him, but I'm totally scared to be alone again. I was even scared to go to sleep, because that meant I will wake up in a panic, the feeling of loneliness hitting me so hard, that I couldn't bear it. I also barely ate, showered, brushed my teeth, not to mention my flat getting messier and messier. I wish, I didn't need other humans, I really do. I even told me back then therapist, that I want to learn how to live without having close relationships to other people. I know, what I wrote above has nothing to do with OCD, but I needed to get it off my chest and I have no where else to do that.

Waffleeggsbacon

Date posted: 1y

I know it’s really difficult right now because nothing can be said to fix what your feeling from this the people commenting on this app, however, I just moved to a big city a year ago and was so anxious because I had no one and I felt really alone and what helped me was getting involved in activities near where I am to connect to more people. Weather this be knitting classes or an intramural sport and just showing up for not only yourself but opportunities for people to love you for who you are. You don’t deserve to feel scared or panicked or unworthy of anything. So many of us have been through spots like you’re mentioning where we have to do the uncomfortable and hard thing of just letting go and letting in new experiences. Uncomfortable or not. Hope everything turns out okay. Just reminding you that you are absolutely in control of your destiny and deserve to be happy and doing the things you love with people who make life feel colorful and bright

elliss2

Date posted: 1y

I agree with waffle, you definitely deserve someone who values you. But I also could understand that it is difficult to make a decision (for example leaving) that would be good for you but at the same time it’s also nice to have someone, officially as a partner who, in some parts?, cares.

elliss2

Date posted: 1y

My heart goes out to you. I can see how many people are feeling alone in this with no one to turn to, and ocd is isolating by itself. Stay strong 💕

Zoë_84

Date posted: 1y

@elliss2 Thanks, Waffle and elliss, thank you so much for your replies. I know going out would help me meet new people, but due to me also suffering from depression, I can't standing going out to do activities. I had a row with my partner and he seems to be more understanding and less pushy. I'll see how it goes.

Seyt5847!1012

Date posted: 24w

I think my ocd lead to me being emotionally abused

Hi I’ve never posted before but I need to talk with other people that have this too because it’s hard to explain to other people without ocd. I was in a relationship for awhile and we started dating before either of us knew I had ocd. Anyway I have a really bad episode of it that led me to go get on medication and got into therapy. My ocd can have some really taboo themes and thoughts which I have learned is just what comes with the illness. The problem though is when I was really struggling one of my compulsions was confessing and reassurance seeking specifically to the guy I was dating because I trusted him. We both knew at this point that I had ocd and it affected many parts of our relationship particularly our intimacy which he made me feel bad about. He started calling me crazy, just joking, but still. Eventually I start feeling better and we start being intimate again and the day after he breaks up with me. About a month later after I hear he went on a date with another girl (we live together) he tells me he couldn’t be intimate with me because of my intrusive thoughts. We still live together with 2 other roommates so I still see him everyday. We try to be cordial with each other. I still have my moments though I’m still dealing with my ocd and a breakup seemingly caused by it and I cry a lot. Some months go by and he’s dating this other girl and I end up making out with one of my other roommates. I have no idea if my ex knew but the next day when it was only me in the house he starts screaming “THOSE MOTHER FUCKERS” and starts slamming shit. I tell my roommate about this and he and I are both kind of scared of him. He started acting really cold to us after. Then the night before my graduation my two roommates moved out so it’s just me and my ex in the house. In the middle of the night he comes downstairs and in front of my door calls me a horrible name relating to my intrusive thoughts. I open the door and say fuck you and he says you took my fucking friends. I said I didn’t take shit from you and he says yeah and goes upstairs and screams BINGO for some reason. He did it in the middle of the night when we were alone and I had no one to talk to or go to. He blames me because a lot of our friends sided with me in the breakup because they knew what I was going through. He had told me that I could never speak if my intrusive thoughts to anyone including my therapist (I did don’t worry) but he had made me feel so ashamed more than I was already. Also the next day he left a mess for me to clean up since I was the last one to move out. I’m coming to terms with the fact that on top of this awful experience with ocd that I may have been emotionally abused as well.

buggyladyxo

Date posted: 20w

First Long-term Relationship Pains

Everyday I wake up and start searching for reason to breakup with my partner. I feel utterly confused by relationships and dating. Not to mention, I’m autistic and this has always been a huge struggle for me. In fact, it led me to both diagnoses of ASD and OCD. I can see there are some things I am not happy with in my current relationship and I understand that, but when does it become too much? I started having limerence over a random person because my brain just wants an out so fast. I told myself that I wouldn’t until I get proper help (medication, constant erp therapy etc). Every time I think about breaking up I start sobbing and my body vehemently rejects it. Its really confusing and disorienting for me and cant trust a damn thought in me. I’m scared that I’m just taking him along for the ride and potentially will severely fuck him up emotionally because of this. I guess thats where I can feel the OCD. My fear of being a bad person and the people around me being bad people. I dont know if I need advice because I think this may be me searching for a compulsion to do. But I just want to get this out of my system. I have severe Disney-like unrealistic expectations sometimes. I had to maladaptive daydream all the time growing up to get out of my traumatic upbringing and brain (tbh). I still do. I am aware of that and try to put myself into check. I just cant stop comparing my friends own beautiful relationships to my own. Most of them are in the “engagement” stage of their relationships. Even though it’s ridiculous, all of them have worked on it for many years at this point.

Pandora_2003

Date posted: 12w

my experience

i have always been a pretty doubtful and overthinking person all my life, but i have never had bad ocd until something happened in my current relationship i met my boyfriend senior year of highschool, we started off as friends first but then would text all night and found out we have a lot in common, he still lived at his parents house at the time, i'd go over to his or he'd come over to mine sometimes, your typical teen romance story, my rocd didn't start acting up till we started getting serious fast forward to when i started working at my old job and met this guy who pretty much love bombed me, i didn't know it at the time, and so i lost myself during that time trying to balance everyone's feelings, i ended up hurting my current boyfriend really badly and ever since ive had raging rocd, every second of every day i cut this guy off and me and my boyfriend are still together, working it out, and then two christmases ago he gets kicked out of his house, and starts living with me and my family, a huge change i wasn't ready for but it happened my family loves my boyfriend, everyone i've ever introduced him to also does, he truly is an angel, he's so sweet and good to me, i've met all his friends and he's met mine, i could picture a life with him, but currently my rocd is too much to bear, id be better alone but im so deep in this now it's crippling, i can't hangout with my friends without rocd, cant wake up without rocd, cant think of anything without rocd, i cant eat or sleep, life feels like it's no longer real, the relief of breaking up with my boyfriend would free me, but i cant bring myself to, ive tried multiple times, i might just be a coward because i dont want to hurt him again, i dont want to lose him, but ive lost myself, this rocd is driving me insane lets say I break up with my boyfriend, he already got kicked out of his old house and I do not want him to have to feel like he's got to be kicked out again, this is his home now and I just couldn't do that to him, my family would lose someone they see as a son, and I would have to watch him move his stuff which would make me so sad because I care so much for him, I would even move out just so he doesn't have to the thing is I really can't put myself through this anymore, I have to put myself first or this will kill me, idk what to do maybe i could talk to him about how bad my ocd is, tell him that i really have tried to push through but i need a break, maybe we could be friends and work it out? i hope so

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