Intrusive thoughts and imaginations

This is sort of a sub part of the religious OCD, but I have Meta OCD as well. My main fear is ocd driving me to do a horrible prayer. Unfortunately, one thing my mind does is prays for things I want constantly to prove that I can choose what I pray for. Some of these things include either my ocd to go away, people to be safe, or to die by being killed by a an animal or something when I’m running on the trial. The issue is with the being killed thing. I have prayed for all sorts of things I know are not going to happen. Unfortunately, one of them was almost world war 3. I’m not usually that kind of person. I read someone say they basically prayed for disaster every day on Reddit and people didn’t completely destroy them over it, so I thought “well I could pray for world war 3.” The issue is, if I were my normal calm self, I wouldn’t do that. All I would be thinking about is how I would die if it happened. I’m not sure if testing the prayers are somehow warping my actual values or if that’s an excuse I’m making for myself. When I’m running on the trail, I really wouldn’t want to be killed by an animal either, but I guess I mean it, cause I want to die. But I know it’s not going to happen. So I’m not sure if this is an ocd issue or not

This is really complicated but it isn’t just intrusive thoughts, however I didn’t directly do the prayer. I’ll do my best to explain. I’ve been having an obsession over prayers. There have been a few bad prayers I’ve almost done and meant that are not good. A week and a half ago, I was feeling desperate and I had the genuine urge to pray for my parents to die in a way which somehow wasn’t my fault (I couldn’t be morally responsible for the prayer was another condition too), because if I attempted suicide, it would devastate them. Thankfully, I stopped myself, but that mindset stuck. If I was worried about it, it could actually put me back in that mindset where I wanted to pray for it. I know this sounds crazy. So it followed me around sometimes. OCD has found loopholes to actually doing the prayer. I have prayed to pray for certain things, meaning I am indirectly praying for it. This was sort of like that, except my mind designated that blinking while thinking of it a certain way would be a prayer. To me, this actually meant it was a prayer because of magical thinking. I ended up blinking while thinking of this, and I did regret it right after, but in that moment, I meant it. I essentially blinked during that moment to magically agree with and do the prayer. And to me, it was doing the prayer. I meant it while doing this too, but didn’t care afterwards. To me, stepping back, it does feel different than directly doing the prayer. This probably doesn’t make much sense

I kind of doubt this is intrusive thoughts. I hope it is, but I somewhat doubt it. I have a prayer obsession that has been driving me CRAZY. I have spent like 10+ hours a day thinking about this, and there seems like no end in sight. I believe I’ve prayed for some bad things and meant it, partly as a result of this, so I’m stuck in this cycle and can’t accept uncertainty with it. When I was incredibly desperate during one of my classes and suicidal, the one thing stopping me from doing it, was that my parents would be devastated. I almost, I believe had the genuine urge to pray that they would die in a way that wasn’t my fault. I’m not even talking about intrusive thoughts. Unfortunately, the ocd did play one factor. It somewhat neutralized it, to say that in the conditions of the prayer, I could not be morally responsible at all for praying for it or the outcome. So this was something at that moment I somewhat wanted. I resisted, but came very close, which is disturbing. At the moment it happened and had that urge, I was so bad off that I felt like there was no hope (I wanted to do it when I got back from class, although I didn’t cause it’s scary), and I needed an escape. Unfortunately, this was the escape my mind presented. It also presented another escape that I believe has actually become something that I now view as an escape. I was worried about making a racist prayer in the beginning of the prayer obsession. My mind presented to me the scenario: “if all people of color suddenly died, you would feel so guilty, you would attempt suicide.” My mind also neutralized it to say if it happened, it could happen in a way that I wouldn’t be morally responsible at all for, including the prayer (which makes no sense). I believe I have thought of this so much, that not only has it become something I’ve started to see as an escape, but the worry about praying for it has actually made that particular situation something that stands out as an escape. The more I worry about it, the more guilty I’d feel if something like that happened (which obviously never will), so when thinking of escapes, that and the thing about my parents are in the forefront of my mind. I believe possibly my mind has driven me crazy to the point where I am actually capable of praying for these things. I have also had the urge to pray for things like world war 3 as an escape. I know it wouldn’t normally happen beyond ocd driving me crazy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t mean it.