20+ adults only struggling

So for basically half my life, ever since I was a teenager I've struggled with sex addiction and it has effected me in many different ways. I'm convinced that I have trauma that goes back to my teenage years due to being exposed to pornography with basically no knowledge of anything on the topic of sex. This also lead me to inappropriate activities with people online relating to sex and I have a lot of anxiety and guilt about this. It also desensitized my immature brain to seeking very inappropriate, disturbing content that I didn't think much of at the time and it bothers me that I was put through that when I didn't know better. Nowadays, this is all still a problem for me. There have been times where I have some reckless things just to get a high from pleasure. A year ago this happened, and now ever since I've been worrying about my health since. I've been worried for so long that I have some kind of infection, an STI, or that I've damage my body because of this addiction. I haven't told anyone about this because I'm too embarrassed too and I'm just worried about how my family will react to it. They know nothing about this part of my life at all. I've always worried about them finding out and not being able to handle the embarrassment and shame of it all. I've only told my therapist pieces of all of this, but I haven't opened up about wanting to get checked out for any kind of infections I've given myself because I was just so addicted to finding ways to get that high. Oddly enough, being reminding of the acting out just makes me want to go back to chasing the high all over again just to escape so I don't have to worry about it, but that only makes me feel worse. I don't know what to do.

Zoë_84

Date posted: 44w

You could go see your GP to get tested for STDs. If he/she asks why you want to get tested, which I don't think he/she will do, you could just tell them, that your new partner, wants you to get tested before you two get intimate.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 44w

Oh I don't have a partner. I've never been in an intimate relationship in person. This is all just me. While I won't think it's STDs, I think it's some kind of infection that I need haven't opened up to because I'm just so embarrassed about it all. And I don't think I really like talking to family about my problems

Zoë_84

Date posted: 44w

And regarding the high you are seeking through engaging in sexually risky behaviour, there are other ways to feel elated. For me winning a battle against OCD made me feel extremely good, it was one of the best feelings I ever experienced.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 44w

It's only because I'm addicted to how it all goes. There are other things that I can do that feel great and rewarding to do like my hobbies and spending time with the people I care about. Sometimes it's just too much to bear.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 44w

Why would it be bad to get checked out for infections? Why does anyone need to be a part of this journey aside from you? If you answer either of these questions, would it even help? As with most OCD, you aren't alone with sex addiction. It may feel like it and you may even feel like a pariah because how dare I have this addiction. That being said, escaping to chase the high is a compulsion, as I'm sure your therapist has told you. And one of the pieces to this puzzle is not doing the compulsions, or holding off for 5 minutes. Keep your head up.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 44w

I guess I just haven't found my own Independence to do things like this on my own yet. I've wanted to do it for some time now but I just fear what other people think I guess. I care too much about what other people think. Or maybe I don't want my family to see me differently because of something like this. I agree with everything you said though.

ughhhh

Date posted: 23w

I feel gross interacting with adult content.

18+ people with this thread please. I just want some advice from people who have experienced this. Its been almost 2 years since my real event and i can confidently say that i feel a bit better about that and my thoughts. (We still have bad moments but we recover.) but, ever since then and before, i feel nasty and gross whenever i engage or interact with adult content. Like this nasty guilt or feeling like i cant interact with it because then my ocd says “this proves that your thoughts are true and your perverse” and after i always feel empty and disgusting. Besides things like that, i read adult fan fiction sometimes or even write stories for my original characters. And yesterday i shared these stories with a close in person friend of mine. (Were both in college) and they were fine about it we laughed about it but then after i felt guilty-my brain was telling me “you traumatized her she just doesn’t wanna tell you” obliviously this isn’t true but im having a hard time believing it and this morning i woke up with a deep dread that i hurt a friend and im horrible. I can say that they’re more positive about these things then me and i think thats why we got into the conversation and i felt comfortable to share these stories but i just can’t get over it. I have a strong urge to ask for reassurance but i know it wont help. I literally have no one else to talk to about this. Ive spoken to my therapist about this guilt with adult content and we have yet to expand on it especially how it goes hand in hand with my asexuality. My therapist tells me its human to feel things like this and its ok to perform self care like that and again-im a human person its usually normal for 19 year olds to be like this especially for someone my age but i dont feel normal. I feel nasty. Does anyone else feel this way? How did you confront this guilt and how did you feel comfortable again interacting with these feelings and actions again? I dont really have a desire to do s*xual things often (im on the asexual spectrum) but when i do i dont want to feel like this. Especially when my ocd types effect it. Advice is needed and appreciated thank you for your help.

Anonymous

Date posted: 19w

Masterbation OCD/real event OCD

I'm 17 years old I struggle with addiction I have a problem when I masterbate I have intrusive thoughts idk if I think them I'm so scared also back then I know when I was younger I looked at obscure things hentai all that my idk what to do even I feel like I'm a monster or im a bad person I need help I feel so distraught I feel like I can't live life to the fullest anymore even from last year I looked at content that was animated but it had a character in it that was underage I felt so ashamed and felt like a monster I had a compulsion to check it only to find out they are not around my age range idk what to do I probably sound like a freak I'm sorry I'm always trying to replay my memory and try to remember my intention and what I was doing how I come across how I was doing a action yk all that

Anonymous

Date posted: 17w

Thinking u did something u not sure if u did

Hey guys I just wanted to talk about something I was feeling I feel so trapped and terrible I have a bad pornography addiction even back then idk what to do I'm 17 years old but basically I looked at some very obscure things on the Internet ranging from hentai or just even more messed up things when I was younger I think maybe early teens I remember randomly just started remembering things I saw now I do not remember if I acted on them or jerked off to them idk what to do I feel so ashamed trapped I feel like I can't enjoy life anymore for what I've done I been introduced to porn when I was young idk what to do I seem alot back then some memories pop certain ones I don't remember if I had pleasured myself to it it feels like I did I have so much shame if I did but idk what to do

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