Is this beyond ocd?

I'm reaching out in hopes of finding others who might relate to my experiences or offer insights. I'm dealing with a complex interplay of OCD, depression, and existential anxiety, and I'm struggling to make sense of it all. Here's what I'm experiencing: I have OCD with various manifestations, along with episodes of depression. I find myself in a cyclical pattern where, after a few weeks, I start to remind myself about my depressive tendencies. This reminder seems to trigger a cycle that actually makes me feel more depressed or at least more aware of depressive symptoms. When this happens, I often experience feelings of nihilism and existential dread. I try to think about my family - my two young boys and my wife - to find motivation or a sense of purpose, but this strategy often backfires, making me feel even more anxious and depressed. I constantly check my feelings, wondering if they're depressive or anxious. At the same time, I fear that my feelings of anxiety and panic might spiral out of control. I think about my emotions and thoughts on a meta-level, which means I'm not just experiencing feelings, but I'm also constantly analyzing the fact that I'm experiencing them. There's an existential component to my struggles, a fear of depression and anxiety itself, and a sense that this might be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Perhaps most frustratingly, I often have feelings, thoughts, or sensory experiences that I can't explain or put into words. I feel like I've never heard of these before, which leaves me feeling deeply misunderstood. Does anyone else experience something similar? How do you cope with this complex web of symptoms and experiences? I'm particularly interested in hearing from those who've found ways to break the cycle of meta-cognition and self-fulfilling anxiety. Any insights, shared experiences, or strategies would be deeply appreciated. Thank you for your time and understanding.

Username: KelSul73KelSul73

Date posted: 4w ago

I fear a self-fulfilling prophecy too- you’re not alone in ALL of that. After reading all of that- I think talking to your therapist about all of this will definitely give you some professional insight

Username: KellymerellieKellymerellie

Date posted: 4w ago

I don't know exactly how you are feeling since I haven't really experienced it myself but I think I understand the feeling you are having. I, myself, sometimes feel like I am faking my OCD, I feel like a fraud and some sort of psychooath, because who fakes a mental illness. But, in actual reality, I am not faking it. I would never do what I am doing just for attention. My morals and values know that. But, sometimes when I am finally at some sort of peace, my brain is like see you don't have OCD, this proves you are faking it! You should be experiencing OCd 100% of the time or you don't have it. Basically, I have to be miserable to know my OCD diagnoses is real. But, it's normal to have relief at times, and trust me, it is a hard to accept that I can be happy when for the longest time I was miserable. But that is what OCD does. It takes what you value and basically slaps you in the face with it. You remind yourself like "Hey now! I have depression, I should be depressed", but honestly you shouldn't feel that way. Once you tell yourself that I should be depressed, that's when OCD sinks it's hooks into you. That's when you start to believe it, but THE THOUGHT IS WRONG! You deserve to be happy and at peace and don't let the thought tell you anything different. Of course, once you feel this way, it's hard not to find things to keep you motivated and I am happy that you chose your wife and boys to be that motivation, but that is OCD again playing off of what you care about. You care about your family and being there for them, so your thoughts start to make you more anxious and depressed surrounding that topic. You just need to tell yourself that " I love my family and everything will be alright". You have to acknowledge that thought like "intrusive thought is here"... And without another second of thought just let the thought go. If you give it the reaction it wants, it will continue to haunt you. You are not self-fulfilling a prophecy. You are trying to fight a battle with OCD, depression, and anxiety. It's basically a three on one fight. But, you can win. The best thing to do, imo (in my opinion), is to slightly acknowledge, and don't give it another thought. Because tahtnis what the thoughts want. They want you to dwell, they want you to fight it.... It's like bully in school looking for you to freak out so it can continue tormenting you do it can see that funny reaction over and over again. Don't give it what it wants. It's ok to feel alone and misunderstood. Most people have intrusive thoughts but they brush it off like "that was weird" and then they move on. That's why OCD hurts so much. It's hard for us to move on, but we HAVE to. I know it's easier said then done, but you need to do some ERP with your therapist. They will give you the tools so one day, you can easily brush it off too. Just remember that you are more than your depression, anxiety, and OCD. You are a loving and caring husband and you are important to everyone that you are surrounded with. Maybe put a saying like that on a sticky note. Remind yourself that you are strong and whatever else you want to tell yourself. I struggle with this as well, but it's time you start to show yourself some self love. Good luck with everything and I hope it all starts to work out. You can beat this! Don't let OCD or depression tell you other wise. If you ever need anything, you still have your therapist and you have us.

Username: IronbornIronborn

Date posted: 4w ago

Thank you all for your responses. However, I'd like to add that sometimes I also experience the following: I often find myself trying to imagine and feel what it would be like to feel 'normal' again. But when I do this, I'm overwhelmed by fear and a sense of distance. It's as if I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, and where I need to be is on the other side. There's no rope or bridge, and the gap is over 100 meters wide. I know I need to make the jump, but it feels impossible and terrifying. Has anyone else felt this overwhelming fear when trying to imagine feeling 'normal' again? How did you manage to bridge that seemingly impossible gap? Any insights or experiences with this specific aspect would be greatly appreciated.

Username: KellymerellieKellymerellie

Date posted: 4w ago

@Ironborn As you work with a therapist, they will start creating a bridge. You don't just hop over the gap, you don't go around to avoid it either. You will get tools from your therapist and y'all will use those tools together to built a bridge and eventually you will get to the other side. I understand that the feeling of being normal again is overwhelming especially when you see that gap. I also know that you long heavily to feel normal again and you will. You need to learn how to cope with your OCD, anxiety, and depression in a healthy manner that won't throw you in a devastating loop. You got this!

Username: hanysm@gmail.comhanysm@gmail...

Date posted: 4w ago

Hi, please see a therapist if you didn't already. Here is a post that might help I wrote a few days ago https://app.treatmyocd.com/community/posts/2043944

Username: CalxferreCalxferre

Date posted: 4w ago

I do experience something extremely similar. I constantly analyzed my feelings rather than processed them, and my OCD, depression, and PTSD would get me stuck in existential depressice spirals. It is an absolutely soul-crushing spiral, and I'm sorry that you deal with it too :( Unfortunately, trying to cope with these symptoms on my own was not successful. I ended up hospitalized, and after getting out, I made the decision to seek a therapist who specialized in OCD as well as my other illnesses, because the hollistic approach made me worse. Some strategies that I have learned is resisting the urge to "analyze" thoughts and feelings. It's really hard, especially at first, and if that is a ritual/compulsion, it's even harder. Another thing that ultimately proved helpful to me was learning to think a thought without "engaging." It also takes a lot of practice. But the basics is a triggering thought comes to you, and you acknowledge it, but don't explore it any further. I had to start practicing with less triggering thoughts to practice, and work my way up to the harder ones. Hopefully this is helpful? I do hope you have or are able to find a therapist, as that makes it easier with some professional support.

Username: Christian

Date posted: 6y ago

Hello everyone! (Existential Obsessions) I have struggled with anxiety since I was a young boy. I remember worrying when I was younger that I was inadvertently trying to harm my mother, even though I love my mother more than anyone in the world. It’s shifted more times than I can count, from worrying about poisoning or contamination to thinking that I had heart disease. It’s all the same animal just shape shifting into whatever I fear most at the given time. Currently, (trigger warning) I am constantly obsessed with the fear of developing some sort of delusion or schizophrenia. I am 25 years old (I know that it would’ve probably developed by now) and have no schizophrenia in my gene pool. But I am constantly checking my thoughts to see if they sound delusional or if I am hallucinating my reality. This of course if extremely frustrating for someone with OCD because there is never going to be any definitive proof that I am not going mad. It has caused me extreme discomfort over the past few months and has brought me to extreme states of panic. I was wondering if any of you deal with existential OCD or fears of losing touch with reality. Of course, some days this seems laughable and others I can almost taste the insanity. On paper, everything in my life is going amazingly but in truth I can’t seem to enjoy any of it because I have these nightmarish intrusions of everything falling apart around me. Is this a common symptom? P.S I already run a few miles a day, meditate, do yoga and am working on strengthening my CBT. Any other suggestions?

Username: tunux

Date posted: 1y ago

Is this still ocd?

is this still ocd? Hi all. Last week my ocd has been ramping up. Started with some horror theme and moved to a sensational theme. But now it latched onto something ive never had before. It has not latched onto any theme actually the only thing right now happening is that there is this thought or feeling, not sure how to describe it, but whenever this feeling or thought arises it nullifies all my confidence, motivation, progression, it just takes out all the energy and positivity and replaces it with this feeling of endless sadness, despair, depression, nothingness, this happens within a split Second whenever i think for example; no matter what ill keep trying! And then boom that feeling or thought takes over and its all gone. It's almost as if it's something that will always he there, a 'thing' inside nullifiying anything positive, helpfull, but even emotions of love. I have to emphasize that wahat comes out with this feeling everytime again is the thought; no one in the worldnhas ever hwd thisbweird experience before, its just me. Yes I know other people have ocd, but my mind tells me no one has ever had this 'inner' part which cannot be described because it roes not feel like a thought, an emotion or whatever, just a 'thing' that is there and always will be there. I mean ive had many ocd themes but this would bot categorize under any of those themes, so how can i know this really is ocd?;ive searched the web and forums trough many...many Posts and none of them revolve around this undescribable thing, or whatever it is? Whenever I try and label this thing for myself just as I'm trying in this post, it steps up its game and gives this feeling of nullifying my effort describing it, it basically does the same it does with other things it gives out this feeling of sadness, desperation, depression etc whenever i try to describe it wo i can ask others to help me. Up until now while writing this it feels like this thing keeps going deeper and deeper just to make sure it cant be identified. Am i making any sense? or am i losing my mind?

Username: 12345678910

Date posted: 1y ago

depersonalization and fear of going crazy

hi! I really need someone to help out right now. I would appreciate it so much. Thanks:) I know this is kind of long, but please help me out and read it. please help confirm for me that the symptoms im experiencing are just extreme existential OCD, depersonalization, and anxiety. it would make me feel a lot better. 7-8 months ago a traumatic event led me to experience severe depersonalization. ive had OCD for as long as i can remember basically, but it’s become a lot worse from this. i am a very big overthinker, so i tend to over analyze a lot of the things going on around me, my perception of everything, my thoughts, etc. it’s gotten so bad because of the depersonalization that i at times really can’t function anymore. one day, all i’ll be able to think about is the irrational fear that i somehow am going to die and there’s something terribly wrong with my brain, like cancer or something. then the next, i’ll be freaking out, worrying that im gonna go crazy. like this is some kind of early onset schizophrenia. i start doing research and i start obsessing over each and every thought i have, everything i see, etc. then i’ll be paranoid about my family, worrying that none of them are real and they’re imposters or something. i know it’s irrational. i recognize that and don’t genuinely believe it. but the fact that this thought worries me concerns me even more because it leads me to believe im going crazy. i am having existential crises regularly. like, all the time. it’s actually ridiculous. i’ll be reading a book and i start contemplating the English language and how it came to be, and then language altogether, and then how humans were able to create and understand language, and then how they were able to sound it out, how sound exists altogether, and so on. lol. like what the hell? a few days ago i was looking out of my bedroom window, and all the sudden had the intrusive thought come into my head, “what if this is just a simulation and what you see outside of your window is merely a two dimensional image?” and then i almost had a full on panic attack. anyways, those are some examples. i’m so worried. i feel like i have no control over what freaks me out anymore. i feel like i have no control of my brain altogether. i don’t want to go crazy. i don’t want to feel like im stuck in a dream anymore. im so scared. somebody please help me. i live my life in fear, worrying about everything i perceive. im exhausted. i can’t tell anyone because i don’t want them to worry, or think that im going crazy. that’ll only reinforce my fears.

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