*Huh!? Whats the point in doing that?* WHY? My mind has decided it will ask me this question whenever i'm doing ANYTHING! For instance; *I'm at work* - Why am i here? To earn money - For what? House, car, clothes? - For what? Well i dont want to have no money and live on the streets? - Why? Coz i'll starve and i dont want that - Why? Because evolution has taught me to survive - Why survive? I DONT FUCKING KNOW Like obviously when you look at life in the big picture, thousand years from now my life won't matter. I love my family, friends etc but what am i here for? To work, have a couple holidays and nights out a year and grow old and die? Since i had this awakening i can't seem to dismiss this belief. Anything i do seems pointless, because i look right through it to the core and say why am i genuinely doing this and the true reason is never justified. Whether it be for fun or health...what does it matter in the grandscheme..NOTHING. 'So why do anything' is my brains new logic. Anyway, i know ERP would be to except that lifes probably meaningless and i'll never get a minutes peace in my life because i'll always be reminded by this fact but is anyone dealing with anything similar? Cheers.

the concept of death & existence is ruining my life rn 😭 im losing so much sleep. i try to close my eyes & all my brain wants to do is try to wrap itself around the idea of what not existing feels like & i get this sinking feeling that grows & grows until my eyes snap open & i have to go back on my phone to distract myself until im literally too exhausted to keep my head up & my body forces me to sleep. it makes having the motivation to do anything hard because all i can think is "it wont matter when i die". it sucks because i know that having MORE in my life might actually improve this, im 21 unemployed still living at home with ASD & i know once i have a job that will definitely give me more to focus on & other stresses to have lol, but i feel like im stuck in the endless cycle of "not having a life makes me worried im wasting my life & itll all be over so fast" & then "being so stressed about my life & time passing is exhausting & makes it too hard to find the motivation to do anything other than sit here" & repeat. spirituality is hard because i like thinking that way, like afterlife & shit, but i worry that im just "in denial" & using it as an unhealthy coping mechanism that leads to magical thinking thoughts. then its like i have some sort of meta ocd spiral obsessing over if what im doing is bad & unhealthy for my ocd or not. i LIKE being spiritual but im worrying im hurting myself & doing a compulsion thinking that way. it also doesnt help that religious spaces have hurt & traumatized so many people & im terrified of being apart of a "delusional" community that spreads a false narrative & attacks anyone that doesnt agree with them. i know i am not like that but i worry im still apart of the problem even thinking this way. at the end of the day no one knows the truth, no one knows what happens after death. im just struggling to sit with the uncertainty. it is so late rn idk of any of my words make sense lol

At first, it just started as harmless questions, curiously exploring the universe and what life and death mean as a human. Then it became an obsession about death and the afterlife. I’m a Catholic-turned-agnostic who recently took an interest in religion again, trying to redevelop a relationship with God without letting the fear of not being good enough and possibly going to Hell taking over me. Instead, my brain latched onto the possibility that there is no God, that there’s eternal nothingness after the short time we have here on earth and that everything means nothing. My love for my friends and family. My desire to achieve my goals, and to be happy for the people I love achieving theirs. I’m haunted by the feeling that it will all be for nothing, that I will never be reunited with those that I love, that the people I love who have passed on have ceased to exist and one day, so will I and everyone else. I can’t function now. I’ve made myself physically ill over this. I’ve lost my appetite. As someone who once took pride in how much love I have for my job as a daycare teacher, I come into work and feel numb. I go home and feel numb. I’ve obsessively started telling the people in my life how much I love and appreciate them because for the past three days, I’ve been sick thinking about how one day, either I’ll leave them or they’ll leave me. It feels like nothing matters. It feels like everything is in vain. I’ve tried so hard to reframe my mindset, to rewire my brain to not think that way. I’ve tried ERP techniques of allowing myself to sit with the discomfort that the fear brings. To try and desensitize myself to this fear. Nothing seems to work. I’m so lost. I’ve been this way for three days, with yesterday and today being worse than the day it started. It’s like the obsession is morphing into depression in a way. I’m scared I’ll never feel enjoyment in any form again. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m currently reading existential psychotherapy by Irvin yalom. In his chapter.. “meaninglessness” the first paragraph he describes about a man who ended his life because he truly was overwhelmed with the “meaninglessness of life” and how doing absolutely anything was meaningless because it ended it death. The questions drove him insane and he committed. This was stated in this book and he also stated multiple people did end there life’s during an overwhelming meaning crisis. Please help. If anyone has been through this please reach out. I have stopped going to my nursing shifts. I’ve lost all hope. I believe I’m going through a horrible existential crisis. I’ve suffered from ocd my whole life but I think this might not be existential ocd. I can’t seem to create meaning in my life. I can’t seem to live without us having an inherent meaning. No answers or anything is helping. I’m really struggling. Please.