What does it feel like as you go through the process? I feel like absolute crap. I feel like it just keeps attacking me. I’m exhausted and new thoughts and urges keep coming. Is this normal? I thought by not doing compulsions I would get better but I just feel so awful. I don’t even know who I am! And I feel like I can’t find joy and everything seems to be a threat. Any insight would be great.
I consider both my OCD & GAD as disorders that are managed long term . Personally I don’t give thought to making it through with either issue . By shifting my perspective like this it sets my goals and perspectives more realistically and improves my overall quality of life to a better standard. I compare it to as a an example high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol and so on they all can be managed but never exactly ever go away.
@777Q How do you manage though when you feel so blinded by the OCD?
For me it was just as important to care for myself through other healthy changes, as it was to learn response tools. Exercise, nutrition, positive behaviors, etc. all are helpful to healing.
@Someone99 I’m definitely going to try making other changes!
I often feel like I’m hanging on for dear life, like a shadow of myself. However, there are good moments and days. Hang onto those and the hope there will be more.
@Slicey That’s how I feel right now. It feels like I won’t be myself again. It feels so different this time.
@Catlove9 I’m so sorry. I was just recently diagnosed and feel like my entire life is surreal. It’s really hard.
@Slicey Yah. I’m having a super hard moment. It doesn’t even feel like OCD anymore. I feel completely out of it.
@Catlove9 Do you have a therapist you can talk to?
@Slicey I do. She told me to just keep going. Treat it like OCD not matter how it feels
@Catlove9 Ugh. That’s so hard.
@Slicey It is. It’s terrifying. Especially when it comes in different every time
@Catlove9 I agree. I didn’t realize at first it could change “tones” and was scaring me half to death.
@Slicey Yes. It definitely can. It can also make you feel different. If that makes sense
@Catlove9 I definitely don’t feel like myself sometimes. Like a monster has invaded my brain.
@Slicey I feel the exact same way. How long do you think you’ve had it?
@Catlove9 Since I was a kid. I was diagnosed with anxiety and PTSD years ago, but recently developed harm OCD and finally got a correct diagnosis. How about you?
@Slicey I would say since I was a kid as well. I’m 36 now. But I didn’t get harm ocd until I was about 31. Before that it was mainly health ocd and false memory.
@Catlove9 I’m 42. I was pretty high functioning, just perfectionism and orderliness until the harm stuff set in about 4 months ago. I’ve been in a spiral ever since trying to figure out what’s going on, hospitalized twice, it’s been complete hell. I’m trying to get back to work and such, but I’m scared I won’t be able to handle it.
@Slicey I’ve been high functioning as well. But right now I am really struggling. It just feels so real. And I get intrusive urges. It’s so hard to just accept them
@Catlove9 I agree. The anxiety alone makes it almost impossible to deal with. I’m scared to go to the bathroom for fear I will pick my face to death. I have to stop and I’m scared I won’t be able to.
@Slicey For some reason the shower scares me. I have to race out of it because my thoughts get so dark.
@Catlove9 The shower scares me too! It’s gotten slightly better, but I hate being alone in there.
@Slicey Driving recently has also started to really be bad.
@Catlove9 I here ya. I quit driving two separate times, but have started up again. I still have intrusive thoughts every time I drive though.
@Slicey Do yours get so real feeling that you don’t feel like you’re in your body?
@Catlove9 Yes, I think so. I feel like I’m not me or wonder who I even am or what I’m doing here.
@Slicey Omg yes! And sometimes I just feel so out of it. Like I’m watching what’s going on. It’s so hard to explain.
@Catlove9 I hear ya
@Slicey I hope it gets better for you. I’ve never felt this bad before. I’m very scared.
@Catlove9 Likewise. If you don’t mind me asking, do you take medication?
@Slicey You can ask anything! I do not. But I know a lot of people on here have had great success. Do you?
@Catlove9 I do. I just started a couple of months ago, so planning to up the dose.
@Slicey What are you taking?
@Catlove9 Luvox amd mirtazapine
@Slicey Do you feel like it’s helping?
@Catlove9 Yes, I noticed a reduction in intrusive thoughts and sleep within a week. I’m on a very low dose of both.
@Slicey *better sleep
@Slicey Do you have a good support system?
@Catlove9 Yes, but OCD still sucks and no one understands. My mom is scared of me now. How about you?
@Slicey It isn’t bad. They don’t understand what I go through. So it’s always “just think about something else” or “you’d never do that.” They don’t know how hard it can be to get out of bed some days.
@Catlove9 I totally relate
@Slicey I know my family wants me here (on this earth), but sometimes it’s hard to believe that when I’m having a bad time or have such horrific thoughts - I’m not even sure I want to be here. It’s hard to not feel like a burden.
@Slicey I know what you mean. I feel that way, too. And then I also obsess about all the mistakes I’ve made in my life, and it compounds how I feel
@Catlove9 Ugh. I cannot figure out how I’m supposed to go back to work and my time off is running out. I feel like a fraud walking around having crazy ass thoughts about harming people and then just smiling and acting like everything is fine.
@Slicey So my OCD therapist would tell me to go anyway. Because that will give the thoughts less power. I go through the same thing. I go to work and have the intrusive thoughts and urges and it’s terrifying. I hate it. It feels like any minute I could snap.
@Catlove9 Ok, interesting. I have been told by 2 therapists (OCD and regular) that I should NOT go back to work - that the stress will make my OCD worse.
@Slicey Do you see an ocd specialist?
@Catlove9 Yes, I just finished a 3 week OCD IOP and am starting with NOCD this week
@Slicey Okay. Definitely listen to your therapists then. They may be trying to work you up to it, which makes sense
@Catlove9 That does make sense. However, I’m going to lose my job if I don’t go back soon. I’ll have to ask for a modified position or something.
@Slicey Is your boss supportive? Do they know what’s going on?
@Catlove9 He doesn’t know about my OCD diagnosis, although that hasn’t come as a shock to anyone. He knows I have anxiety, depression, PTSD and panic disorder, which is why I went on leave. I was on medication and mostly fine for 15 years and then hit a wall. Does your boss know that you have OCD and / or do you have any accommodations?
@Slicey She knows. I’m very open about it. She doesn’t know about the specific thoughts. I don’t have any accommodations. I feel like im white-knuckling through life
@Catlove9 Same. And I really hate that feeling, but there doesn’t seem to be many other options, unfortunately.
@Slicey Sometimes it feels like I just want to rip my skin off and run. I know it sounds odd but I just get so scared
@Slicey I’ve been paying into disability insurance for years, but I’m not sure I qualify. My therapist has started helping me with the paperwork though just in case. I really hate that one day I feel fine and like I could totally live a normal life and then I feel horrible for the next 3 days after. It really messes with your head.
@Catlove9 That’s what I was saying before I got diagnosed - that I felt like all my skin had been ripped off. I get so scared to and then I see fears that I don’t have and they seem so ridiculous, but it’s hard to convince myself that mine are equally as ridiculous.
@Slicey Oh yes. That’s exactly how it is. I worked Friday and felt fine. Like my old self. Then Saturday I woke up and was so anxious. And it honestly hit me hard. And it’s rolled into today. And I’m dreading work because I want to curl in a ball in bed.
@Catlove9 UGHHHHHHHHH, I’m sorry. I have a morbid fear of Sundays just because they come before Monday.
@Slicey Yes same!!! And I know what you mean about not being able to find your own fears ridiculous. I’m worried I’ll hurt someone. Even though I never have. I don’t kill bugs and everyone always tells me I’m too nice. Yet I still can’t shake it
@Catlove9 I understand. The harm thoughts are horrifying. Learning to separate thoughts from reality / behaviors has helped me, but it still feels crazy to be thinking such awful thoughts. It’s a real mind f$&!
@Slicey Exactly. Do you get intrusive urges? Or just thoughts?
@Catlove9 Urges and thoughts
@Slicey Same here. The urges are the worst part for me. Because it makes me feel like I want to do these things or that I’m about to 😔
@Catlove9 I know the feeling. Mine decreased significantly after I started medication. They are still there and still cause anxiety, but are much more in the background.
@Slicey I really wonder if I should try it again. Because each day I have this, I always am like “what if today is the day I do something horrible.” I freeze with fear.
@Catlove9 Medication? Did it not help previously?
@Slicey Yah. I’ve tried Prozac twice
@Catlove9 Luvox is supposed to be the gold standard for OCD
@Slicey Really? Do you know if there are any side effects? I’m so scared
@Catlove9 I am super sensitive to medications and am terrified of starting new ones and have had no issues so far (6 weeks in). BUT I am just one person.
@Slicey It is an SSRI - so all of the normal side effects could apply. I refuse to read the bottle or research because I know it can take me down the rabbit hole.
@Slicey Yah that’s what happened to me. I went down a rabbit hole with everything. Exposure therapy is really hard though. It’s not fun.
@Catlove9 I know. I’m doing ERP too. It’s not fun at all.
@Slicey Do you do scripts and stuff?
@Catlove9 Yes and record them and listen to them. I haven’t had it in me to do them yesterday or today.
@Slicey Same here. I’ve been too frozen with just the usual thoughts. I have one now about my boyfriend I’m supposed to do. It’s really hard.
@Catlove9 My therapist made me rewrite one about my husband and son 3 times
@Slicey Those are the scariest. Because you love them so much and the thoughts are disgusting. I go through it, too. Luckily my boyfriend tries to help but he doesn’t know how it feels.
@Catlove9 My husband doesn’t really like it when I share my thoughts with him. Understandably…
@Slicey I am sorry. I do understand but that still has to be so tough for you. I had to finally say everything to my boyfriend because of the panic attacks I was getting from the thoughts.
@Catlove9 I can tell him some things if I need to. He just doesn’t really want to know if possible. It was one of the worst nights of my life when I had thoughts towards him. We had NO idea what harm OCD was and I thought I had become completely psychotic. I don’t know why I’m so scared of being psychotic. It’s not like this is much better…
@Slicey It’s so funny you say that because the EXACT same thing happened to me. I never had harm ocd. I would have false memories of drunken night where I was worried I did horrible things and stuff like that, but never harm ocd. Then one day, in the middle of a panic attack, I had an intrusive harm thought and I freaked out. I felt like I was losing my mind. And even though I’ve been told a million times it’s ocd, each time it happens, I feel like I’m going psychotic. And that makes me so scared.
@Catlove9 I think quitting drinking is one of the most horrible things. No escape from this insane brain. Also not the best treatment for OCD and anxiety.
@Slicey It’s funny, I also quit drinking LOL. I quit 3 years ago. I tried to drink again last summer, and it was awful. Created new false memories. So I quit again over a year ago. I thought quitting would get rid of the ocd. Nope. Nothing. Didn’t make a dent. I also haven’t had caffeine in 3 years.
@Catlove9 I quit 4 months ago and was told it solve all my problems including anxiety. That’s when my harm OCD started, so that was some false advertising. I drink chai tea, which does have some caffeine, but have cut way back on that too. I’m told sugar is really bad for OCD, but I haven’t been able to give that up entirely either.
@Slicey So I’ve gained 15 pounds because I stress eat. And I haven’t been exercising the way I was. I do notice sugar makes it bad for me but food is a comfort for me. As bad as it sounds.
@Catlove9 No judgement here. I lost 20lbs because I had pretty much stopped eating. I needed to lose it anyway, but it wasn’t exactly healthy. Now I eat ice cream almost every night instead of drinking. Ya gotta have some kind of reward. I need to get back to exercising. It’s really hard to take care of yourself when you feel like you are going insane half the time.
@Slicey I know. I was on my peloton all the time. I finally got back on today. And it does help. But just getting up and doing it when my brain makes me feel insane, is so difficult. And then I’ll have a moment of peace when I’m working out and then OCD comes roaring back stronger
@Catlove9 Yes! I could never understand it when I thought I just had anxiety because exercise is supposed to help. I was running and wanting to throw myself in front of cars and thought roses bushes were going to attack me.
@Slicey I’ve been there. Or I would be running, and think I was going to lose control and punch people 🤦🏻♀️. Everything is becoming a threat now.
@Catlove9 Ok sorry - envisioning someone running around punching people is kinda funny!
@Slicey Hahahaha. I had this one where I was worried I was going to run out of my house and just start punching people 😂. In the moment I was terrified but it is funny when I think about it.
@Catlove9 Haha! I’m so glad my son is a big dude - he could take me out instantly if I ever actually acted on any of my thoughts. I feel really sorry for people with little kids that have harm OCD or POCD. It could always be worse.
@Slicey Definitely. I always think that as well. And then all of a sudden my theme will switch lol. Harm ocd is definitely my main theme. And maybe false memory. But I’ve had moments of POCD and suicidal OCD. that happened to me yesterday actually. And back to harm today. Actually I had some false memory earlier today lol.
@Catlove9 I have POCD and suicidal OCD too. No false memory yet (that I know of😂).
@Slicey Haha. Wow. We are doing really well! Ugh false memory sucks. I’ve only had it with nights of drinking and not quite remembering everything. Of course my brain filled in the details with all the worst possible scenarios.
@Catlove9 So well! That sounds terrifying. My drinking escapades were enough without adding that on top.
@Slicey LOL same here. I used to drink way too much at a time. And it wasn’t that I intended to. It’s I would start to have fun and not have anxiety, so I would drink more. And then I’d forget the last hour of the night.
@Catlove9 EXACTLY the same for me
@Slicey Wow really? I always felt like I’m the only one. And I blacked out a few times in my 30s. And I feel guilty about it.
@Catlove9 I was pretty much drinking anytime I wasn’t working to tame my anxiety, which was off the rails. I had pretty much stopped sleeping and eating and had become completely obsessed with sleeping and the fact that I wasn’t getting hardly any.
@Slicey I recently listened to a podcast about OCD and sleep. And how a lot of us go through periods of not sleeping. I did as well. And like you, I became obsessed which caused me not to sleep. It was a very vicious cycle.
@Catlove9 So many things make so much sense for me now. And suck all at the same time. I’m 42 and just got diagnosed and feel like my life has to start all over from the ground up. I do not trust my brain AT ALL.
@Slicey I thought by 37 (36 but birthday is in a few days) I’d be over this. But if anything, it’s gotten worse. I don’t know who I am anymore. It literally feels like I’ve turned into a monster overnight.
@Catlove9 Happy early bday! From what I can tell, you are not a monster. Did your therapist make you name your OCD? Mine is named Monster.
@Slicey Thank you! She did not. But I have heard it can help. Especially because now it just feels like it’s part of me.
@Catlove9 I think it might help to separate it from the real you. Ugh. This disorder or disease or whatever you want to call it is so hard.
@Slicey It is. I’m at work today but cannot wait to be done. I just keep getting hit with thoughts.
@Catlove9 I’m so sorry. You will make it through the day. I HATE the anxiety so much. About everything. I’d like to be able to think about or do something without being scared out of my mind over some imagined fear.
@Slicey I was just walking to the bathroom and wanted to cry. I don’t like to complain but I just want to know what I’ve done to deserve it? I know it can be said about any disease. But I’d love to just focus on enjoying life instead of worrying I’m going to go insane and hurt someone.
@Catlove9 You didn’t do anything to deserve it and it’s not your fault. You just got dealt a shitty thing. I was just thinking about making a list of what my OCD wants and what I want out of life and then trying to focus on achieving what I want instead of letting OCD be in charge all the time.
@Slicey I wonder all the time why I can’t enjoy life, since I have a pretty good one. OCD is so negative. Why couldn’t it latch onto something happy and make us obsess about that?
@Slicey I always think the same. I have a pretty good life. And I’ve never enjoyed it. Your list idea is a good one. Maybe I’ll try that.
@Catlove9 I’m really struggling with work. I wasn’t doing very well when I went on leave and I don’t think I’m doing any better now, but I need to embrace the uncertainty and give it a chance I guess. I keep thinking I need to be in perfect mental and emotional condition before I go back, which will obviously never happen.
@Slicey Yah. We will never be perfect. Even today. I only got 4 hours of sleep. I knew today was going to SUCK. And it did lol. And I just started this new role 3 months ago. I think that’s what’s triggered this whole thing. But it will never be perfect. Who knows. Maybe going will show your OCD that there’s nothing to be worried about. It may take time but eventually
@Catlove9 BUT you made it! I hear you on sleep and thinking the day will suck and starting new roles. It just blows my mind how our OCD brains work and how I’ve known something was wrong with me since I was a little kid and just now figuring it all out. And yes, I think going back to work will show my OCD who’s boss. How long ago were you diagnosed?
@Slicey So I think I was originally diagnosed at 21/22. But I didn’t do anything for it. I just thought it was some quirk I had. I had a huge fear of HIV and I didn’t really attribute it to OCD. same with the false memories. Then when I was 31 and the harm ocd came out of nowhere, I was diagnosed again. So I’d say around 6 years of this off and on. And then I’ve been diagnosed through NOCD. it’s probably my fault it’s this bad bc I didn’t address it when it was starting. I just thought it was going to go away. Boy was I wrong.
@Catlove9 Everyone I’ve talked to or heard of seems to have a very crazy diagnosis story. And there are varying degrees of severity and it sounds like it can morph, spike or get worse. It took me attempting to take my life to get a correct diagnosis…
@Slicey Omg. I am so sorry to hear that. That had to be terrifying. Hopefully getting the diagnosis has helped a little.
@Catlove9 It definitely has helped and has explained so much of my life. Just sucks dealing with it and knowing that it’s a lifelong thing. It’s so weird to feel totally fine one day and like absolute shit the next. You never know what to expect.
@Slicey That’s how it is for me. But sometimes it can be minute to minute. Like one minute I have a sense of clarity and the next, I’m terrified again.
@Catlove9 Yes, agreed. Some days it’s easier to ward off the scary thoughts than others. My therapist wrote me a return to work letter today. It basically says I can’t handle any stress. No clue what kind of job they can give me with no stress.
@Slicey Is your job usually stressful?
@Catlove9 Yes, very
@Slicey Or maybe it’s not and my OCD just makes me think it is🤦♀️
@Slicey I know what you mean! I’m in financial services and sometimes it’s like that. And then I’m like “I’m not saving people’s lives here.”
@Catlove9 That’s an excellent point! I’m going to remember that.
@Slicey It sometimes helps. Sometimes doesn’t 😂. When you get harm ocd urges, does it feel like you have to hold yourself back?
@Catlove9 Yes, very much so before I started medication. They were very intense and felt very real. Medication has reduced the intensity and regularity of the thoughts / urges.
@Slicey It’s the hardest part for me. It feels like I’m about to do it. I hate it. But I’ve been trying really hard to just sit with the feelings and not engage In compulsions. It’s just so hard
@Catlove9 I’m so sorry. I know it’s really, really hard. Maybe consider trying medication again? It could take the edge off.
@Slicey I think I’m going to have to. I have an appointment with my NOCD therapist tomorrow. Like logically I know I have control over myself and I don’t want these things. But it’s hard to remember that when I’m the middle of it.
@Catlove9 I’m glad you have an appt tomorrow. Just to talk through options. You just have to make it through one more night.
@Slicey Yah! And I have a job interview in two weeks halfway across the country. I really hope I’m somewhat okay by then.
@Catlove9 OMG! That’s exciting. It’ll be great!! My boss just reached out to my husband so I’m gonna gave to bite the bullet and text him.
@Slicey Are you somewhat excited? Im sure you’re probably also nervous. I almost cried in front of my boss today 😂
@Catlove9 I’m ready for things to be “normal” again. I don’t know that normal is realistic, but I’m gonna try!
@Slicey Yah I listened to an OCD podcast that said to not expect all the thoughts to go away because it will just disappoint us. How lovely lol
@Catlove9 Yes, I’ve heard the same - that the thoughts will be manageable and kind of fade into the background, but it never goes away. Fun!
@Slicey Hahaha I know. And at some points it does feel like that but then it comes right back with just one thought
@Catlove9 I know. It can really catch you with just one thought. It’s so annoying. And terrifying.
@Slicey I couldn’t figure out for the longest time why other people are walking around seeming perfectly fine when I am having ridiculous anxiety and am terrified most of the time. I felt like I was doing it (life) wrong. Nope, just my brain is doing it wrong.
@Catlove9 Definitely can make you feel different each time I think that’s part of its trick to make you doubt yourself … your brain knows yourself better than anyone so it finds all the back doors to trick you all over ♥️
@Slicey It’s exactly the same for me. Like for example. We have self checkout at work for the cafeteria. And for some reason, I always have an issue with the kiosk. And I’m always so scared to death I’ll get fired for stealing even though I’m not!
@Kms89 I feel like it just keeps getting scarier
@Catlove9 I know hun… it’s one of the most isolating and overwhelming feelings when your brain is fighting against you in this way… and idk about you but mine seems to come out of no where … I’ll be my normal self and have a slat then have days weeks or months of terrible anxiety and thoughts it’s like I don’t recognize myself … having been thru it a few times now though has helped me lessen my episodes …praying the same for you … the theme may change the feelings may change but the way it takes over your life and you obsess on it lets you know exactly what it is … fight each beast the same
@Kms89 How long have you had OCD / been diagnosed?
@Catlove9 Free lunch - yay!😁 I would worry about that too.
@Kms89 That’s exactly how it is for me as well. Each time is different.
@Slicey Hahaha! I always tell the person so I never get free lunch. But I just still worry. Bc of course I do lol
@Slicey I can see where I had touches of it back into my teens … but first big episode that required therapy and meds I was 26 so diagnosed for 9 years and I’ve only had 3 real bad battles… the first one took several months because I didn’t even know what it was and the next two were a few months post partum… I’ve had a few blips here and there ( seems every fall I will get a short stent of intrusive thoughts) SADD hits me pretty good as well … it’s hit or miss I can’t pin point year by year why I do or don’t get into another battle
@Kms89 Thanks for sharing! I like that you call it a battle - it most certainly is.
I was doing so much better with my OCD. I thought I finally figured it out. However, the last two weeks have been a nightmare. It’s like I went from 0-100 all over again. And it’s become scarier than it ever has been. Every other thought is either causing me anxiety or turning into an intrusive thought. Any headache or feeling of derealization, and I start to spiral. My thoughts are becoming more gruesome and feeling more real. The intrusive urges are so bad it feels like at any moment I could actually just snap. It feels like I am about to go crazy. Another hard aspect is when I’m getting these intrusive urges it feels like I want to do it or I don’t care if I do it. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like this disgusting monster who is just going to lose it and I want it to be over. Why is this happening when I was finally better? It makes me feel like it’s not OCD and I’m actually this person and I’m just holding my true self back. I’m sick to my stomach.
I’ve been dealing with ocd my whole life, and just got diagnosed about a year ago. I feel my days becoming occupied with thoughts, urges, fears and worry that completely debilitate me. It’s getting to the point where i feel like it’s taking over my life. I don’t see this getting any better, even with the therapy and medication I’m on. I’m scared my life will be like this forever, I’m tired. My brain is tired of ruminating every second of every day from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. I’m not sure how much longer I can go on like this.
I dont know what to do anymore. I think Ive had the 'pure O' version of OCD for more than ten years. I feel like so much of my life has been wasted from this disease. For the longest time I just tried to ignore the intrusive thoughts, and push them off as anxiety, and basically dissociated for years of my life. Feels like Ive just been on autopilot and a shell of myself for nearly 15 years. Its actually hard to even imagine of all the experiences, emotions, connections with others, and personal growth that Ive missed out on- if I do, I think it would be too much to handle. I think Ive even forgot and dont even know at this point what it is to live a normal life and experience positive emotions. Now that I sought treatment for it specifically, it feels like it's gotten worse. Like by acknowledging that part of myself, suddenly added focus just makes it more real and in the forefront now. I wonder if I am actually going insane. Will not go into details for reassurance but the thoughts just rip my soul out. Its so difficult as well because I will get random 'clarity moments' throughout the day where I feel like Ive solved something, then get completely derailed by another OCD thought stream and forget everything. It feels like Im just on a merry-go-round of hell, not going anywhere thinking I am at times.
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