Any advice? Or a friendly word? Or just a like idk

So I know I've talked about my fear of being hacked/watched without my knowledge and at the same time that same fear has also made me scared that i've said incriminating things or confessed to a crime I didn't commit out loud without realizing and that this person (who probably doesn't even exist) is going to use it against me in the future and ruin my life. To the point where I've covered all my device cameras. Yeah, I know. Incredibly outlandish. Anyways. The past few months it's just been my brain convincing me that my life is over or that it's going to end and not just end, but like I'm going to lose everyone that I love because of said "incriminating things" though I know I haven't done anything wrong. Of course, there's a part of me that realises that this is really unlikely because I'm not that important of a person for someone to lie in wait for decades and decide to ruin my life just because though I don't doubt that there are people like that out there (i really hope they're few and far between). However, there's another part of me that also really believes that this is all true. And sometimes I wonder if I'm going insane. Coupled with what I believe are false memories, the anxiety has been taxing every day. And I find it hard to sit with uncertainty because this worst case scenario terrifies me. I'm scared of being unloved and abandoned and also deathly afraid of being perceived as a bad person. And of course, also scared of being a bad person and my brain is convinced that I must be. Anyways. Who knows. Maybe. Maybe not. I wanted to share because I know that OCD or I guess any kind of mental illness (whatever it is I'm suffering from if it isn't OCD) likes to convince us that our fears are too niche and that this worry wouldn't be present if it wasn't real. OCD likes to use that as proof. I've learnt though that there are many people like me on this app, and even though it's still scary, it makes me feel less alone. It can be very tiring and honestly sometimes I ask myself how I'm still here even though it's been a few months and some people on here have experienced episodes like this for years or even decades. I keep hoping I'll wake up one day and it will be like this never happened. If you've taken the time to read this incredibly long waffle session of mine that's more like a drawn-pit diary entry, thank you. And if you feel comfortable with sharing, please do :)

(Possible TW; mentions of taboo sexual topics.) Hi, I (22M), have been suffering with OCD for many years now since I was a kid, and I suffer with POCD in particular as one of my main themes. On top of that, since I was young I've also had quite an excessive use of porn, which led to me to watching or reading quite a lot of different taboo porn/hentai and erotica. I engaged with a lot incest content, and when I was younger and going through puberty, I (unfortunately) even looked at a lot of animal hentai/erotica too (most of it being fake obviously, but I did seem some real stuff too which also aroused me. This is another main theme of my OCD, and I should stress that I very much regret, and I haven't interacted with such content for many years, nor have I felt the desire to, and the fact that I ever did makes me feel very disgusted and ashamed of myself). Now, groinal responses are one of the parts which I struggle with most, mainly because the feel incredibly real. Often times, my brain will create these very graphic and detailed sexual thoughts, surrounding whatever taboo theme, (it doesn't matter really; I struggle with pretty much all kinds of themes you can think of lol) and a lot of the times, I try and let the thoughts just pass without freaking out or reacting to them, but it feels like the longer I allow the thoughts to sit in my mind, the higher chance I have of becoming "aroused". For instance, if I have a sexual thought about a close family member, and simply let it happen, it feels like my brain focuses on the taboo aspect of it and tries to make the thoughts seem more detailed, or "erotic", and it causes an intense erection, very similar to how it feels when I look at any kind of "kinky" or taboo porn. Obviously this makes me worry even more, because it makes it feel even more real which only makes me question myself even more. It's like there's a disconnect between my brain and my body, because no matter how horrified of these thoughts I am, and how much I want to avoid any of those topics, my body feels like it's on a different page altogether, and becomes aroused, and sometimes even more intensely than it is with "regular" arousal. Another example is through my years of excessive porn use, I looked at a lot of (again, fictional) incest porn, a lot of which was centered around mother-son relationships. In all honesty, I probably do have a bit of an incest kink, but only between people who AREN'T my real family. I don't fantasise about my own family members, instead I usually just imagine made up, fictional characters. I'm so worried that now I've created an association within my brain between that topic and arousal, because of two reaons; One, I even experience arousal when I see people recalling real events of incest (I should mention that through the posts I've seen, it was all between consenting adults. Not that it makes it necessarily much better, but I thought I should clarify). Even though it seems to arouse me, at least physically, I try to do my best to avoid such content because it just feels wrong given that it's real. Additionally, my brain will throw intrusive thoughts at me of my own real mother, and it feels like it causes this same "taboo arousal" that the porn itself does. I do not want to be aroused or attracted by mother in any way, so this in particular is quite bothersome for me. So my question is, is it possible that over the years of watching different kinds of porn, I've trained my brain to become aroused by "forbiddeness" or taboo aspect, and THAT'S why I feel physical arousal from my intrusive thoughts? It feels like in my mind it makes sense, because as I mentioned before my body seems to react to ANY kind of sexual taboo, even ones I never had any interest in at all (enter POCD). But at the same time, my mind is trying to convince me that I'm just lying to myself to make myself feel better lol. I'm trying to look for reassurance, but I would like to know if anyone has any information on this kind of thing. I'm not currently in therapy as right now I simply don't have the funds for it, but I am working on finding a therapist as soon as possible. I apologise for the long post, and thank you all for any help. :)

I had OCD earlier in life, but it came and gone. For the last 4.5 it's been one thing after another, though. Today I felt especially grossed out by my POCD and I feellike I'm losing last hope that I had. I hate to sound awfully dramatic, but I want to clarify things a little bit and ask for advice. So I've been taking antidepressants up until some point, had a break and then started taking them again. In the beginning of this month, I finally finished that second course. This time it lasted 1.5 years. It's important to note that for the last half year I was pretty proactive in finding solutions to my ocd, finding new methods and reading articles. It probably did help, but mostly in short-term. Today I felt like my symptoms (it's mainly groinal response) were scaringly prominent and it made me really depressed. Do I have to start all over? It never got good enough in the first place, so I'm not even sure if it's possible to cure. I admit I might've not been pushing myself enough to do the scariest possible things, but that doesn't mean I didn't do ERP. Now, to the venting part. I'm not sure if anything really helped: if I'm relaxed it's probably just a matter of good mood. I'm anxious when going outside. I feel like I don't deserve friends because of my "dirty" secret -- I feel incredibly ashamed for groinal sensations. There were times when I'm sure it wasn't a phantom feeling, but a real one I caused. But I can't undo anything, so it has to stay with me. My family really loves me, so of course killing myself was never an option. But I still hate myself. I'm too tired to keep on fighting with OCD and bearing the burden of those very shameful events is too hard. What do I do? Maybe I'm just not adapted to living without antidepressants, so I'm being too emotional and all I should do is continue doing ERP. But my point is that I'm too exhausted. Thank you for reading. I see many here have a similar problem, I hope you're staying strong. I'd love to help you all, but I'm afraid that right now I'm not suit for giving out good life advice