BigGyro09

Date posted: 41w

I'm very depressed from childhood trauma 20+ only

So I'm at a point where if I don't get through this trauma I've had as a kid, I don't think I'll make much progress for my mental health. Last night was absolutely terrible. I just got stuck in a loop with my negative thoughts and triggers all the way to the past. There's a reason why I keep thinking of the past so much: There's trauma there. Trauma that was mostly out of my control. When it was in my control, I didn't have the knowledge to navigate through it. I'm just trying to push through the week. I don't feel like doing anything and I can't stop thinking about how unfair all of this is for me. I guess that's a start: Knowing that I deserved better than this and that I still do deserve better. My low self esteem, being hard on myself, low confidence, shame, guilt, and negative thoughts. I think it all just comes back to this every single time.

RS1208

Date posted: 41w

Wish you the best in recovering through your trauma, friend. I’m sure it’s very difficult, but I’d like to believe you can one day be in a better place.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 41w

Thank you. I want to believe the same thing. In some ways, I already do believe it. There's one part of me that says no but another that says yes, I do in fact deserve to get better.

anxious artist

Date posted: 41w

Take it easy as you go through the week. Don't overwhelm yourself with frequent tasks to do since it could cause more stress and focus on one goal at a time. Since I'm taking a break from uni, I've decided to just focus on getting my driver's license (after years of being too scared to drive on the road) then getting a job later. I also watched this tv series called Moomin that helps me relax and use it as background noise whenever I head to sleep. (cause staying in bed can cause anxiety when the brain isn't occupied or busy) I know you said that video games aren't your thing but have you heard of Yume Nikki? It's a free game that explores a lonely girl's dreams since she struggles with anxiety. It's like going through an art gallery basically. It's valid to be hurt and triggered by the past, but you don't have to subject yourself to these memories 24/7 because they'll re-traumatize you even more, you deserve to look forward to better things in life, having dreams and a goal to achieve regardless of how long it takes to reach that destination.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 41w

I'm just trying to focus on the things that I have going for me. I do have good things ahead of me but I just can't help but think about the time where I was just done wrong when I was younger. I just want to make up for it. I have comfort shows that I've been watching and they definitely helped last night. Last night was completely unbearable until I had put one on. I got to play a game with a friend and it was fun. I guess they just aren't when I'm by myself. That sounds like a game I can play. I'm guessing it's on PC? It's just hard to not look back to those times. It really is. Sometimes I have other OCD worries about horrible mistakes that happened when I was an adult. It just feels like I can't get over my worst moments in life, though in some ways I believe that I can. It's weird. Thanks for your help. I do appreciate it.

anxious artist

Date posted: 41w

@BigGyro09 - It's on steam for free on the PC and super easy to download. The ending is sad but not required to complete. It's about a hikikomori (Japanese term for shut-in) who refuses to go outside and can only explore her dreams when she heads to sleep. There's no story, plot but merely a exploration game where you go through several dreams that can be interpreted differently. I would say the game is more psychological then anything else. I play it to cope with my OCD because of how isolating it is feels to deal with a crippling illness most people do not understand. I look back at my childhood mistakes too and they haunt me daily. I try not to let it get to my head but it's unbearable sometimes. That's why I dissociate a lot from reality and stick to video games to not remind myself of what happened. I hope you can be free of your pain, it's only a temporary feeling for all of us, I promise.

hanysm@gmail...

Date posted: 41w

You doing ERP? Are you seeing therapist?

BigGyro09

Date posted: 41w

I haven't done ERP yet but I do have a therapist

Speckles

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 41w

I'm sorry... what kind of trauma?

BigGyro09

Date posted: 41w

Being exposed to inappropriate videos online, bullying in school, other personal problems

Speckles

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 41w

@BigGyro09 I'm sorry that's happened to you. 😔

BigGyro09

Date posted: 41w

@Speckles Me too. But I'm hoping to get better overtime.

Speckles

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 41w

@BigGyro09 You will!! Hang in there ♥

Pkjc2014-23

Date posted: 41w

I'm damaged goods.

RS1208

Date posted: 41w

@Pkjc2014-23 Remember, that still doesn’t take away from the wonderful parts of yourself!

Lean_into_th...

Date posted: 23w

OCD/Trauma/Depression

Hi everyone. I haven't posted on here in quite in some time. I'm hesitant to post but I'm battling some things that are compounding onto each other. I've had ocd since 15 I'm 30 now..I feel it's still there but much better than years ago. Currently though I'm really struggling with depression and trauma too. Atleast I believe it's trauma and my psychiatrist saw some indicators. Long story short I was in a relationship with a narcissist and I'm still recovering. I feel my nervous system is still kinda on fight or flight. I've learned that our bodies very much stores trauma. Alongside this I'm pretty critical of my appearance and my self esteem is not so great. I've been putting myself out there more and socializing but I can't shake this feeling of being stuck in an endless loop. It's hard to tell what to tackle. It's difficult for me..I don't know if ocd treatment is for me or more so trauma based therapy. I think there is some overlap..any advice or feedback would be appreciated. A side note I've done ERP in the past and I've been to treatment centers such as mclean. I feel like I need a community because I feel pretty alone but I'm having trouble putting one foot in front of the other.

flyana

Date posted: 21w

oh my god, I'm struggling today

tw . . . . . . I don't want to trigger anyone, so please be warned before reading. I'm feeling pretty hopeless. I don't know if I deserve... anything. I've had two therapists now tell me I'm normal and I don't need to worry so much, but I find it hard to believe them. Just when I think I'm doing okay, thoughts flood back in. I feel like the world is better off without me in it and that others would agree if they weren't a paid therapist there to give me reassurance. I'm tempted to break up with my boyfriend because he doesn't deserve this. I want to pretend I'm okay for the sake of my parents. But if they passed away, I'm not sure I'd have much strength to live for myself. This feeling is pretty bad right now. Overwhelming. I have absolutely no love for myself. I can't even distract myself by watching TV or shows I love, because all I can think is, "Look at those people. They deserve to live and be happy, and I'm not one of them." Gah, this is bad. I'm an adult, and I feel like such a baby for feeling this way. How dramatic am I? How can other people have similar (if not worse) thoughts than me, and then still be ok with themselves? I miss the person I used to be. I miss feeling okay. I feel ok momentarily, but then it all comes crashing down. I can't stand it. All I want is for things to go back to how they used to be.

Book lover❤️

Date posted: 20w

Childhood past.

Does anyone deal with rumination with their childhood past mistakes. Deep down I know I didn’t know any better but then I start having thoughts and it gets worse after that. I also recently have dealt with death in the family, started my period, started college and just moved to my own apartment this last month. :-/ I genuinely just wish I could let go of my past I feel like I could be a better person for myself mentally if I could just let it go.

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I'm very depressed from childhood trauma 20+ only

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