Has anyone with Harm OCD had this issue?

I understand that. That was the worst part of it for me when it started out. This has ruined my life as a parent. My kids deserve so much better than me.

@Anonymous 1983 No. If anything this shows how much you love them. How you’d never want to hurt them. Try to look at it for what it is. You are so scared because of a thought that popped into your head. It’s just like any other thought. You just gripped onto these because you care so much.

@Catlove9 Yeah, I agree. The part that screws that all up for me, though, is my OCD latched onto my son because I was living 7 hours from my hometown. I kept getting thiughts that if something happened I'd be able to go back, because I wanted to go back. But, here's the kicker, I didn't want anything to happen to him. I liked the thought of going back, but not at his expense. That has been a HUGE mind game for YEARS. That's why I end up questioning it.

I'm sorry you're still dealing with urges.

@Catlove9 The kicker about my issue, too, if I could go back and change living near him, I wouldn't. That stuff is why this is so confusing.

@Anonymous 1983 OCD likes to provide false rationalizations that continue to keep us trapped. My therapist said something that really was helpful. She said if I am trying to figure out a thought, feeling, etc., then I am engaging in a compulsion and it will keep me stuck. The more you try to figure it out, the more confused you will get. It happens to me all the time

@Catlove9 I'm sorry. It's just so shitty. It really really is. My OCD shifted to him as the reason I wasn't living where I wanted. But, looking back, I made the choice to move to be near him because I wanted to ve near him

@Anonymous 1983 It is so shitty. You love your son. Your OCD is just trying to attack it and it will do whatever it can to keep you engaged in figuring it out. For example. I was just thinking of someone I knew like 20 years ago. And I just had the worst wave of anxiety for NO reason. I tried figuring it out but it was just making me more anxious because I wasn’t sure why I was anxious. So my brain started thinking of possibilities of why I was anxious, which then caused me more anxiety. It’s a horrible cycle

@Catlove9 Oof. That's no fun. This entire time with this theme of OCD has me wondering all of the time if these are desires from within. It's been going like this for 13 years. But, at the same time, I'm like if I wanted these then I wouldn't be trying do hard to fight them.

@Anonymous 1983 I’ve had harm for about 6 years and I always wonder the same thing. Did you have the urges before too?

@Catlove9 Somewhat, but they usually faded quickly. I was raised in a chaotic, violent home. So, that stuff started very early in my life. I was abused physically from 13 to 16 by my sperms donor. My mom gave me up to him when I was 12, knowing full well what kind of a nut job he is.

@Anonymous 1983 Omg. I’m so sorry to hear that. That probably didn’t help with the OCD stuff either. I cannot imagine.

@Catlove9 I think it's what caused it, honestly.

@Anonymous 1983 I’m really sorry.

Talk about lousy timing. I didn't even know I had OCD. The therapist I went to wasn't trained in it, and in the 1970's, they knew very little about the condition. So, anyway, I started to obsess over it, and this went on for a long time. I obsessed that I could become another Ted Bundy. It was a very hard time in my life, so I can relate to what you're going through. I don't know why your NOCD therapist hasn't discussed real-life triggers, but they're common. It's also very treatable. You're not alone. Hope this helps.

@Steven55! Oh, they have. I'm just terrible at doing what I'm supoosed to. I feel like I should know how I feel about my kids. But, I'm sensation based. If I don't get a bad feeling, I feel like it means I must agree with what I just thought.

@Steven55! My biggest problem with this is, that the thought came so I could go somewhere. I hated it. Now it's something has has been stuck in my mind all these years.

@Anonymous 1983 If we didn't get the feelings, along with the thoughts, OCD wouldn't have a chance. But we both know they're all BS, just OCD. As the English philosopher, Samuel Johnson, wrote many years ago, "We all have thoughts that would shame hell." So true. You didn't harm your child. That's the reality. The trick to OCD recovery, in my humble opinion, is to separate the two.

@Steven55! No, I did not harm him. Never did. He's 19 now.

@Zoë_84 I do try to do this. But then my brain goes “oh you can just do it.” And the urge gets more intense and so scary

@Catlove9 Yeah, those urges are not cool at all.

@Catlove9 I'm sorry that OCD makes it even worse for you, when you try to do ERP.

@Zoë_84 I sometimes think I don’t stick with it long enough bc I get too scared. So I’m not going to give up.

@Zoë_84 ERP works sometimes, but my thiughts are too over powering it makes it difficult.

@Catlove9 I feel like there's nothing worse than not knowing you feel about your kids.

@Anonymous 1983 I’m struggling with this tonight. Do your thoughts ever come when your kiddo is being defiant? That happened to me tonight and now I’m just upset with myself.

@OCDisAwful1204 Absolutely has. That's the worst time for it.

@OCDisAwful1204 It hits me all of the time. It really sucks.

@Anonymous 1983 It makes it feel even more real

@OCDisAwful1204 Sure does. It kills me every time.

@Anonymous 1983 But then my ocd tries to make me think I mean it and then I’m so confused and I don’t understand why id ever think this way and it just sucks. All of it sucks.

@OCDisAwful1204 Yep. Mine does that, too. Every f***ing time.