Im feeling lost again

I have alot of problems with this and I question alot if I do avoid my emotions cause today everyone says to "feel your emotions, let them be" but it just makes me be stuck with suffering. Currently I have a problem at my job, it's really stressful and i feel like everyone thinks im stupid and a bad person and it's hard, I struggle with negative emotions and I rumminate alot about the things, what couldve happened,what will happen and sometimes it makes me feel helpless cause idk what to do. But when it happens I don't let myself feel helpless, I don't know why you should let yourself feel anything like hopelessness,helplesnees,or let yourself tell any story that will not help you. I acknowledge it that it came up, but I won't let it to continously be there. I never understood that when you have these feelings, sitting with them makes you just follow the story that is unhealthy. I feel things that are unhealthy for me and i tried to sit with it and made me feel worse being stuck with that emotion. I start to think that people who actually has avoidance problems they dont notice how they feel, when I do notice I just choose not to go on that path. I question grief too alot. Everyone grieves differently so that's why is difficult but I don't like when people say that grief will never end and if you feel better about your loss you are just lying to yourself... Ofcourse you will never feel happy about anything you lost in your life. When i dealt with grief I noticed it, back then i thought okay i have to sit with the pain but then it got worse and worse and I felt like im stuck in my pain. Then I decided I have to move and im not 100%over, i dont even know what that means cause as I said you will never feel happy about any loss you experienced,but thats a different thing, you can still live your life with that,but if its been years and you still think life sucks and nothing is good then youre stuck with grief. This is not judging anyone who is not over grief, But it's problematic for me when I say i wont let this emotion to rule my day, and then i feel like im supressing it... or when people say "just let it be there" then my focus is on that being there, so to change your focus to your life you have to ignore the feelings, and people say "no,you dont" but thats what you have to do... To choose that you will live your life and you will focus on something else no matter what means that you will ignore the feelings, you can still notice it but you give no power to them. That's called ignoring it... I have to learn what supressing feelings really means cause everytime I try to live my life I say i supress my emotions cause it feels like that. I hope someone will read this, either will help him or he will help me understand things more, so if you read this, thank you for your time! :)

I feel really anxious since i decided that i will go get a blood test. Today i went to get a haircut and the whole time i felt like i will faint, vomit, i dont feel good and it was horrible. I came home and started to read about how to deal with emotions. I found a really good article, and I started doing the work. I thought that im avoiding my emotions and I dont now what i actually feel so I went inside and after some time a thought and a feeling came up that said "i wish i could tell this to someone who would listen to me and nurture me" and i felt so good thinking about this. But then I started thinking maybe i should go to therapy cause noone will listen me here, and i started to feel sad and it got worse and worse. Its been hours now and my mind keeps thinking about "noone listens to me" and it keeps me feeling sad and depressed. This is is why i dont like to think about my emotions. Now I dont know should i act on this strong emotion, should i run and talk to someone? That feels like a compulsion. I felt this before,alot of times when i struggle i feel like i wish i could tell this to someone, and alot of times i do,but i dont get the reaction what i want. I dont like that we should act on every deep feelings we feel. If i feel this than the only answer to heal this feeling is to run to somebody and talk about my feelings. I dont like it that now nonstop i feel this and think about this and i cant move on.

But it actually feels worse, and no not because now Im letting myself feel the feelings, I feel more stressful and hopelessness sparked out too, and a weird scary feeling, i think its anxiety, that i feel back in the pandemic and I woke up at the middle of the night feeling that feeling many times.For years i felt good now that im trying to let myself feel the emotions, fear and hopelessness kicks in. I understand that you should accept and allow every feeling, but if you have alot of fear it will just throw you wherever it wants and you will feel hopeless. I know when you are there, feeling depressed and hopeless it means you did something bad(well not always but you know what i mean). I tried it but this scary feeling of hopeless anxiety made me stop it.