Horrible person OCD

I’ve said and done so many hurtful things growing up, especially in elementary and middle school. I was very passive aggressive and mean for a majority of my life, and I’ve hurt peoples feelings. I’m no longer like that now, but every single thing I’ve ever done wrong replays in my head constantly, from the moment I wake up to the second I go to sleep. I know I deserve to feel the chronic guilt and shame, so I feel even more guilty pitying myself. It’s eating me alive, I’m so scared. I know people must hate me, and they have every right to. feel like I don’t deserve to have moments of happiness because I’ve taken that ability away from someone before. I’m not diagnosed, but this has been going on for years and I’m scared to talk to anyone about it because I fear they would look at me differently knowing I’ve hurt someone’s feelings. I feel like a monster. It’s ruining my life and I don’t know what to do.

Username: hanysm@gmail.comhanysm@gmail...

Date posted: 10w ago

When I was younger, I made mistakes worse than you can imagine. Do I regret them? Absolutely. But I know I've changed. That person is gone, and I've worked hard to become a much better version of myself by learning from those mistakes. In my view, and I don't mean to bring God into this lightly, but it seems that if I was capable of those actions and they were part of His plan, then He must be willing to forgive me. So, why shouldn't I forgive myself? Also, He covered my mistakes and didn't expose them, then His intention is to make them forgotten.

Username: Unknown1738Unknown1738

Date posted: 10w ago

@hanysm@gmail.com Thank you so so much, it really helps knowing that there are people out there in similar situations. I know it’s a lot easier said than done, but I have to accept that I cant change the past. Hopefully I can reach a point in my life where these thoughts won’t be so consuming. This helps so much, thank you again!

Username: AsolanoAsolano

Date posted: 10w ago

I felt like this too sometimes. I kinda see myself as a split personality (sometimes compassionate and kind hearted but also sometimes satirical, sadistic, or sarcastic). I want to share this but this year, I started going to church again to restore my faith and forgive myself of past mistakes though there are some things about it that I agree and disagree with (I’m still finding my true faith). I still feel like despite attending and reading the word I still sin regardless. But then I remember that NOBODY’S PERFECT. To me, I just look towards positive affirmations (God and meditation) and look towards forgiveness of anything bad that I’ve done. But yea I still struggle with this but I’m definitely not quitting. One of the things that helped me was talking to various people you trust like a talk therapist or close ones but NOT the people you “hurt” until way later. I don’t want to annoy you with bringing up Jesus a lot (whether you’re a Christian or not) but He has definitely helped me regulate through these thoughts for the most part and I promise that He does not scold or shame you (like some messengers and congregations) He wants to help lift you up even if you think nothing happens. Rest assured I’m NOT forcing you into this but if you feel the need to heal yourself emotionally from those feelings of “shame” you can try out some churches. No matter what you think of yourself as God LOVES YOU SO MUCH. Just follow your heart, soul, and if you could Him I felt like a monster before but now I’m striving towards forgiving myself and not being too hard on myself. It’s not easy to do but in the end it brings positive feelings to me. Don’t be afraid of sharing your situation with people you trust. You got this bro ✌️

Username: Unknown1738Unknown1738

Date posted: 10w ago

@Asolano Thank you so much! I feel this way exactly. Yes, I am Christian! God helped me a lot when these thoughts first appeared, though overtime things kept getting worse because I started remembering more things I’ve done. I’m going to work towards getting closer to God again, I strayed away recently because of my shame. I feel like I don’t really deserve forgiveness even though I know God forgives me. I feel by forgiving myself, I would be throwing the pain I’ve caused others under the bus. I love God so much, though at times I feel so unworthy and irredeemable, even though I know He wouldn’t want me to feel that way. I would also like to say that I’m very proud of you! This is helping me more than you can imagine, I’m so grateful. You are very strong and I hope you know that. The comments under this post are giving me so much hope. Thank you so much again!

Username: rivercalibratorrivercalibrator

Date posted: 10w ago

I think almost everyone has been passive-aggressive in elementary and middle school, and it's really unlikely other people care or remember. I remember going through this same thing and apologizing for things I did years before, only to realize those people I "hurt" did not remember, nor upon remembering, even cared. They accepted the apology and understood that, even though it meant a lot to me what I did wrong, people usually don't change into entirely different persons, better people, without making a butt-ton of mistakes and saying genuinely hurtful things, to realize later on the true impact. What you're suffering is much more likely worse than anything you inflicted on others if you've been feeling like this for years. Even if you're some "monster", monsters change and can become some of the greatest, most eminent people.

Username: Unknown1738Unknown1738

Date posted: 10w ago

@rivercalibrator Thank you, truly. This made me realize a lot. I hate that it took so many mistakes for me to finally become a better person, but I’m glad I realized that I needed to change. Now that I am different, I’m forced to look back on the things that I’ve done, wishing I could take it all back. I just have to work everyday towards becoming the best version of myself. Thank you again, so so much.

Username: D23859

Date posted: 23w ago

Cancel culture is triggering

Theres so many effed up things i’ve done or said in the past which still bother me to this day. One day i’ll have one obsession, like ROCD over being scared i’m cheating on my partner, then another day i’ll have POCD because of a past experience with an underaged friend, and im just so burnt out from all the thoughts and overthinking. I feel like the most horrible person each and every single day, a constant urge to confess, a constant feeling like im a traitor, and then thinking im just using OCD as an excuse for everything. Im so SICK OF IT ALL. I can’t catch a break. There’s too much going on in my head, like this constant rumination and analysis and then compulsions to search up these obsessions. However searching up things relating to it is probably the most harmful and worst mistake for me, because then I see stories of allegations e.g like dream being exposed for grooming a minor and people exposing others for other vile acts and it just triggers me so much, because it feels like I BELONG on there but never in my life would i actually want to do such things, and if everyone knew what i did then i feel like everyone would agree i quite literally deserved to be burned at the stake. Should i just get a therapist at this point or can i get through this myself with the use of some mental gymnastics like i’ve been doing the entire time? I feel too much guilt, it’s eating me up alive.

Username: ghost

Date posted: 23w ago

OCD makes me feel like a bad person (vent)

OCD makes me feel like i am the scum of the earth and i believe it is true. i’ve done horrible things in the past when i was younger that i am not proud of. i know people say that we have to forgive ourselves for our past mistakes/know that our mistakes don’t define us or what not, but i feel like what i’ve done is irredeemable. although i was young back then, it dosent make it an excuse bc i am old enough to know it was wrong. why would i do that?? i’ve tried to forgive myself, but i keep going back in a loop bc of my OCD. what if i am using my OCD as an excuse? i don’t know what to do, please help.

Username: GuiltyGrapes

Date posted: 21w ago

I’m a true monster

I (15m)am seeking advice because I believe I may have a false memory OCD. I am worried that I may have sexually harmed people without realizing it, especially my young cousins. I am also concerned that I may be a pdophile as i think im aroused by kids but idk if its kids or the idea of s*x. I believe my exposure to explicit content at a young age may have also given me hypersexuality, which still affects me.I feel guilt too because when i was younger i did cocsa against my younger brother he doesn't remember it but i do and i'm just scared what if i did other bad things like that. I do not want to use this as an excuse for my actions at age 14 when I made sexual advances/jokes towards my friends, causing them discomfort and harm. Some forgave me saying they didn't care about it now, but one friend ended our relationship due to my inappropriate behavior during a game and is scarred/traumatized and doesn't even want to look at me i tried to tell him i'm sorry but he doesn't really want me talking to him ever again. I am filled with guilt and shame for my actions and consider turning myself in as a result. The idea that I may have harmed someone without remembering it terrifies me, and I struggle to forgive myself for the pain I have caused others. I'm scared to even encounter people I hurt. I'm a monster that deserves to be beat up/ publicly hurt as most pdos/ s*x offenders do.

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

Horrible person OCD

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community