Just want to give up and need Jesus

Where can I find information on self compassion related to how my ocd has made me feel? My ocd came on and in a different form in August after coming off meds from a surgery. I have struggled since to find balance in my body and neurotransmitters and a systemic kenalog shot about put me inpatient. My hormones now are causing upticks in my anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I cannot wait for this long acting steroid to be out of my system. But none the less, 5 months of solid harm ocd intrusive thoughts that attack almost every positive thought I have is exhausting and wearing my mind down. I am a mother of two young kids and it’s hard for me to do what I need to do without crippling anxiety from my intrusive thoughts in the worst atmospheres. I just can’t read anything about getting better or self help, devotionals or anything because I feel like I am a monster and I am no longer the person I used to be. I used to feel so connected to my God as I believe and to who I was a a human on this earth and I feel like the last 5 months with HOCD has completely destroyed me.

In 2020 I had an episode of psychosis because my ocd was so severe. I can’t/couldn’t pick apart intrusive thoughts from reality and I didn’t understand what was happening to me at the time. I live with so much guilt over what I did during psychosis and while I understand my “reasonings” for things, how I was pushed over the edge, I live with the constant fear of judgement and condemnation from those I love if they ever found out. I am on the way to get medicated again, and I’m starting sessions with NOCD again. But I feel like… I’m breaking apart here. I look in the mirror and I realize that there isn’t any running from who I am. There isn’t a magical cure to make me someone else, I will always have to live with this shame of even being in psychosis in the first place. I believe in God but it’s hard to even sit with myself. I’m safe, I’m just severely depressed. I’m looking for hope and it seems like everyday this disorder just gets a little stronger. It’s slowly chipping away at me. I want to get my life back, have a job, a healthy relationship, but I’m so ashamed and sad… guilty for having lost reality like I did. I’m not looking for reassurance, but encouragement. Am I the only one?

Sorry this is long I don’t know where to begin but, at the beginning of the year I went through something that was hard. And I was so mad at God bc I was so hurt and I felt like I was in so much pain and I was so alone. And I remember I had some bad thoughts. I don’t remember these thoughts exactly but lietrally months later I was sitting down all normal and dealing with other forms of OCD that were so painful, but less painful than this. Anyways so then since then I have been stressing that I might have acted of these thoughts. I don’t have a memory but my brain keeps telling me I did that. Anyways I have been having intrusive thoughts since and it hurts so much. It hurts so bad and I can’t do this anymore. I don’t wanna do this anymore. I keep having these thoughts and it makes me stress so much and want to throw up. It makes me hurt myself. I have bruises all over my body and I’m just so done with this. And sometimes my brain will bring these memories of these intrusive thoughts into my mind or say my trigger thoughts and it makes me hurt so much. And then I start to go over these thoughts bc I feel so bad and I don’t want to have them. Sometimes when I am stressing about theee things they pass by and it makes me panic so bad. I was lietrally just eating and I was punching my hand so hard while thinking about all the thoughts I have had and the things my OCD had made me believe I did, and while I was doing that a thought came to my mind about what my OCD keeps telling me I did and I panicked so hard. I had to eat so fast just so I can lock myself up in my room. I didnt want to have the thought. I think I was just lost in listening to my OCD and then I started talking to myself about what I think I did and when I had the thought I was punching my self so hard that I didn’t even have time to shake it off straight away. I have this conclusion where whenever I have a bad thought I write it down bc my brain tells me that I’m a bad person and I should forget about these thoughts so I grabbed my phone as soon as the panic set in. Sometimes I question whether I had those thoughts intentionally or if i forget them and then I remember the wrong thing and it makes me feel even worse. My brain tells me that if I don’t panic staright away and hurt myself then it means that I mean the thought. I’m in so much pain. I’m really don’t want to think about it but it happens and it feel so real and that it comes from me and that I did something bad. I know this makes no sense but I don’t want to be like this. I go to bed most nights hoping I never wake up. I really don’t mean theee thoughts, sometimes they come when u I’m justify thinking about all the bad things my OCD has made me believe I did and then I panic over remberinf these things. What if im thinking this on purpose? What if the thought I had is so much worse? What if God will never forgive me? I don’t want to live anymore I hate my life and im never going to get out of this. I was just trying to have a normal dinner but my mind never stops. Whether it’s me imaegnitn things or thinking about my thoughts and going over them, I feel so guilty. I can’t even get any help bc I can’t afford it. No one knows I go through this. Ok all alone. Im all alone .