Testing yourself?

@🦈🤍🫧ℛℴ𝓂𝒶𝓃ℯℯ🫧🤍🦈 Thank you so so much for sharing. I’ve been dealing with the exact same thing. I’ve had ones of infants and older kids too and it’s the worst. It’s so hard to sit with it and let it be there. I also relate to feeling like you like it or something, for me it always feels like I’m trying not to smile and I get like a real sensation in my face and it’s really scary. Mind are also really bizarre and graphic so I get so worried that I must be the one creating them but I know that when they come up I don’t like or want them at all. I just had one as I was falling asleep that was so bizarre and gross that I feel bad I started ruminating on it and I didn’t realize that means I technically accidentally brought it back up and it’s really hard because I felt so bad right after and didn’t mean to. It’s just an endless cycle. I don’t want to use icd as an excuse. I totally get you about the anxiety going away, I feel like I know I feel disgust and shame and guilt, but I’m not showing it as much or acting like it. I feel guilty if I go about my day, but I feel like I know it isn’t me and I can get through it, but I also don’t know how. I hope you can recover too. Thank you for sharing, you relieved me.

@bloominglotus OMG yess I relate to the smile prt like it's been going on for so long you get desensitized to it and you have this excitement anxiety feeling in your body and you feel like you like the thoughts it's so scary....I just don't know who I am anymore because I can't think straight anymore I feel like I've turned into a monster.

@🦈🤍🫧ℛℴ𝓂𝒶𝓃ℯℯ🫧🤍🦈 @bloominglotus Like I have these urge in my mind that are saying oh call this younger person this and that and it's so gross like but it's like I have to get myself to see how I react and sometimes I don't feel anything and sometimes I do I don't know what's wrong with me like I'm so numb to it

@🦈🤍🫧ℛℴ𝓂𝒶𝓃ℯℯ🫧🤍🦈 I relate completely. I feel like I don’t react properly because so used to suffering with it. I know in my heart no doubt I don’t feel any attraction so that’s why it’s so hard because it’s like why am I having these images and why is my brain going against me and trying to convince me I like it or that I find it amusing. I feel so afraid because on one hand I know I can beat this, but on the other I’m afraid of losing my family, and even if I don’t I’m afraid of living with having had these pictures in my mind. I feel ruined. I believe you are a good person, I don’t know you but I’m sure that you can recover. Don’t give up please, you’re not alone.

@bloominglotus I feel little bit better but it's just the thoughts in my mind telling me to say something inappropriate about images in my head that I really dont want to I think my compulsions are coming back beacuse I'm blinking

@🦈🤍🫧ℛℴ𝓂𝒶𝓃ℯℯ🫧🤍🦈 You said your compulsions are coming back, which means you have gotten through them before right? Don’t beat yourself up, give yourself time. I’m having a flare up of the images but I have gotten through them before and I know I can again even if it’s terrible and there feels like no way out. You can do this. You literally have helped me want to try because your initial comment I really needed someone to relate to. Keep going!!

@bloominglotus It's getting worse though like I feel like I'm starting to like the images and that's really scary because they just keep popping up in my mind the smell things over and over again it's like am I attracted to it I keep getting anxiety about it because it really feels like I am I don't know what to....I'm so desensitized to it😭😭😭

@🦈🤍🫧ℛℴ𝓂𝒶𝓃ℯℯ🫧🤍🦈 I’m sorry to hear it’s getting worse for you.☹️ I think with healing of any kind sometimes the thing you’re dealing with kind of flares up again, goes down, sometimes it comes back stronger again, but I try to hope that maybe it’ll get to a point where things will feel ok again. I don’t know how that will happen a lot of times but I try to hope that it will. Today has been better than yesterday and I’ve been ignoring it but I feel weird to. I know in my heart that I’m still disgusted and I know how I feel about the images. It’s wrong, but I feel like I’m not experiencing anxiety and the actual feelings of disgust. I’m not feeling as much shame I feel like. I don’t know, I definitely have felt afraid they will pop up and have tried not to ruminate, but I feel like I’m not feeling like I should. They pop up for no reason for me as well and I get the feeling of being desensitized. I have no idea what to do honestly, I’m just hoping that just letting it be there and kind of ignoring it will help until I’m in a place where I can seek professional help. I don’t have any diagnosis yet myself, but I think you’re experiencing false attraction. I know how scary that is, it absolutely sucks and it hurts so I’m so so sorry you’re experiencing that. You will break free. I’m not experiencing that now but I just feel numb like I’m not feeling bad but I know that I do feel awful and sorry for these thoughts.