something i don’t understand

so i am struggling with something triggered by a real event, i’m not sure what my intentions were behind it and i can’t remember all i remember thinking is “did i just (thing)?” and then getting flushed with a fire sensation and it felt like my throat was on fire. i freaked out and spiraled and tried neutralizing the thought but it didn’t work, and it really felt like i really did just do the thing i didn’t want to do before i thought “did i just (thing)” i was thinking things like “am i doing this (thing)? no way right? what if i did?” and i remember not really changing what i was doing almost as if i wanted to do the thing im afraid of. everytime i think of this my stomach drops, and when i think back on this event i just remember myself feeling like i wanted to “test the waters” which, if true … eugh :( something i don’t understand is seeing people say “i know it’s OCD but-“, how do they know it’s OCD? i can’t tell if mine is OCD and stemming from that or if i really did do something bad.

Lean_into_th...

Date posted: 39w

First off I'm sorry you are struggling currently. When you hear I know it's my ocd it's really someone saying it really sounds and looks like ocd based of my past experiences and what I know about ocd. Does anyone have 100% certainty it's there ocd and the feared outcome won't happen?..short answer no. I know it's hard I've been struggling about 15 years with ocd. It's overwhelming to feel like you did something bad..I had many moments like that..I would be in tears. I used to question my providers and I would say we'll maybe I didn't explain myself good enough. Maybe they don't really understand my fears and are not giving me the right advice.. which to my knowledge was very much part of my ocd. I'm here for you though and I'm sure many in this community are as well. You will get through this.

helpmeeee_

Date posted: 39w

@Lean_into_the_unknown yeah, i have to accept the uncertainty surrounding it but it is so difficult doing that because all i think of is my boyfriend and what he would think, and if i really DID do what i think i did (it really does feel like i did) i’d be a really bad person

Lean_into_th...

Date posted: 39w

@vaIentine I hear ya it's so freakin difficult accepting uncertainty but any step is a good step. What has helped you in the past when you felt triggered?

helpmeeee_

Date posted: 39w

@Lean_into_the_unknown just distracting with playing games or watching tv, i haven’t accepted uncertainty once with any of my obsessions which i know isn’t good to do

Lean_into_th...

Date posted: 39w

@vaIentine It will take time to accept uncertainty. You have a therapist and your working on yoursellf! It is definitely good having an outlet cause ocd can be so damn time consuming..lord I can't tell you how much time I put into worrying..swear I would have a gold medal if worrying and overthinking was an olympic event lol.

N1111

Date posted: 39w

I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I’m not sure what the thing is, but it might be helpful to fall back to the distress as evidence that this thing is OCD rather than being a part of you. If you don’t have a therapist already, it could be helpful to talk to one to gain insight and validation.

helpmeeee_

Date posted: 39w

@N1111 i have a therapist just won’t be seeing her till december which is a long ways away i’m too scared to type out what the thing is but i feel very unsteady right now because of the way it feels when i recall the memory. i’m on medication to help with my OCD but it’s only 20mg as of right now and isn’t doing a lot, so i am stuck with accepting uncertainty and stuff but i am so scared of doing that

N1111

Date posted: 39w

Not sure if this helps, but it has helped me a lot. I have ROCD and have been with my partner for many years, and I get stuck on over analyzing a lot of my past interactions even ones that are 10 years old. My OCD searches for anything at all that I can feel shameful of. I remind myself that the urge for reassurance and the overanalyzing are compulsions, and compulsions although they give me relief for a moment also validate the obsession. The obsession is not valid because it is an amplified thought/reaction. What you did or think you did is probably not valid to the degree that your obsession is telling you. Most relationships have tricky moments in them, and most relationships are still very healthy and good with the tricky moments. Also most things we think or do are normal, just to name a few - finding other people attractive, dancing with other people, etc. We are human, and learn from interactions/experience. When you meet with your therapist, you can explore what you want to do with the obsession. You do not need to act on the obsession right now, although I know it is hard. Lastly, December although it seems really far away will be here before you know it! Think of the last time you were at the beginning of a month and then it turned into the end of the month, and you thought “whoa! October flew by!”. Keep riding that wave, and I’m sending you all the good vibes 😎

SunnyAnon

Date posted: 25w

ocd flashes + doubt

does anyone else get flashbacks of things they’ve seen due to giving into their compulsion??? whenever i’m having a remotely normal time or having fun or thinking of making a big decision i have flashes of videos or pictures or just made up scenarios that are related to horrible things i’ve seen and compulsively watched and did stuff with. it immediately kills my mood and makes me ruminate about it and i think about it over and over. i find myself wondering if ocd drew me to do those things or if it was genuine attraction. what if im a horrible monster who’s into awful and illegal and morally wrong stuff??? what if im using ocd to cover it up and it’s not ocd it’s just i thing i was into??? these thoughts are never ending and show up at the worst times. i’m terrified all the time. it renders me sick & unable to make any decision because i’m afraid if i choose to do so it’ll make everybody aware of the things child me/young teenage me did. it feels like all my past traumas and experiences are being blasted on a jumbotron. i’m even scared to post this. again does anyone else know what i mean + does anyone know how to “get over” this feeling/any tips???

amelia:3

Date posted: 25w

how to deal with real event + false memory??

im going to be vague here, but basically i did something in the past that i regret and it became a huge point of my OCD but i have talked to my therapist and i have mostly moved past it. i watched a video by an OCD youtuber that really put it into perspective. anyway, i have been with minimal worry for a few days, but now im having worries related to i think false memory? basically it’s like “oh but what if i said/ did this and just forgot that means i harmed this person im a bad person”. to me it sounds like textbook OCD but im just wondering if anyone else has experienced false memory / real event at the same time. i have a really horrible memory which is making it even more stressful. any responses are appreciated!

Aphid123

Date posted: 22w

Is this even OCD?

Hey so a couple months ago (7-8) I remember being upset at my family member. Like she was talking too much while I was annoyed and remember wanting her to be quiet. I got an intrusive thought like a really bad image of doing something really bad to her, and my hand twitched to the side a little? Like it felt like I was about to?! And I remembered thinking "if I do this, I'll get in trouble". I got up and left to the bathroom and felt horrified! I was thinking "did I want to act out? Did the only reason I didn't act out was because of getting in trouble? If there was no consequences, would have I done it?! Does this mean this whole time I've been using OCD as an excuse?" I remember I couldn't sleep for 3 nights because of how bad the anxiety was, I was crying and I felt very guilty like I should turn myself in to a mental hospital. I couldn't eat for many days or be near her because of that thought and twitch I had! I'm worried it was an impulse or I actually wanted to hurt her. And even to this day I still ruminanate about this. Like last night I couldn't sleep well I kept waking up every two hours and asking myself "am I capable?" I couldn't eat last night. Sometimes I move on from it like I forget that happened but when I remember, I feel distressed about it! I don't want to be an evil person or do bad actions towards anyone! I'm even scared to be angry because of this because I'm scared I have more "chance" of acting out due to anger. Like was it an impulse and I held back? Is this even OCD? Please help, I'm really scared!

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something i don’t understand

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