This stuff can be so traumatizing POCD 20+ Only

I had a relapse on porn again which I'm not being too hard on myself on. The problem is though when I do sometimes go on adult sites for videos or pictures it's really easy to see disturbing messed up things in fiction unfortunately. This is why I stick to softcore things because they are simple and not taboo but then there's still the risk of seeing nasty things people are uploading to sites. I absolutely can't stand it. I get some unfiltered searches are just so disgusting and gross that have NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT I SEARCH. This happens even on YouTube. Pretty much anything l use to search for very specific searches. They always involve adults or women that I feel like very adult oriented. When I'm not sure, I try to look up their age. When looking though, I would stumble upon very suspicious, disturbing content in the form of playlists or under channels sometimes when Iust want to look at legal only things. l just want to be free of this cycle. I feel like l'm a bad person just for coming into contact with this stuff accidentally whenl don't want to see it. I know I've made posts like these in thepast but it just causes me a lot of distress when it happens. There's someone out there that I have feelings for and I just never feel like I'm ready because this holds me back. I'm trying to work through it in therapy but it's just been difficult, although very helpful. I just want all of this to stop. I just want to get the images of seeing messed up things out of my head both from my teen years and now. I still remember the things I've seen and I still remember how when I was a young teenager I didn't know any better and thought it was okay to see things like that without any sex education. I just hate this and want it to go away forever.

Caitlin

Date posted: 39w

I’ve felt this before too and have been there as well 🥰💞💛 I also had /have issues with porn as well I haven’t had pocdive had contamination ocd before but I relate to this whole post , I don’t really know if this will help everyone’s story’s different mine was I started watching porn out of curiosity as a late teenager and I hated the first video that I saw but I kept wanting to watch more, I don’t know but I think I was just trying to fill a void maybe, and I kept watching more and it would be soft things and then progressively got worse and worse and looking at things as well that were disgusted to watch but I felt like I needed to I guess, for me the other problem part was for me I didn’t really know as a afab what a good time felt like lol cause you don’t really get taught and also cause I’m a people pleaser I didn’t really realise that hey this doesn’t feel great and didn’t know what feeling good truly was, I one day for some reason decided to try to stop watching porn on a quick moment out of can I and I found that I couldn’t stop cold Turkey and was like oh no do I have an addiction? I still don’t really know but, something that I did was saying to myself okay instead of watching tw phub you can watch YouTube p videos instead and odd that and then went instead of visual p YouTube videos I can listen to audio ones - still hated them all but I was reducing and restricting my use kind of , then one day I came across Beleza and it’s more geered towards afab audience and is I went there as well and found that tw cw that I did like a bit of it genuinely so I felt like I could stay in that site place instead and then I came across Dipsea and it’s been fantastic I found things there that I really love and enjoy and it’s a safe space and limited where there are some things on there that I don’t like and I can get in an accidental trap in lol but I know what the ones that I don’t enjoy fall under like tw cw eg dom or public and instead choose the ones that I do like or know that I am likely to and there’s meditation there sleeping audios there’s how to safely get in touch with yourself ect and I haven’t gone back to prn sites since . For me porn was me trying to fill something emotionally in it was never about my enjoyment but this new area is and I’m working on the reason why I needed pornh in the first place. I haven’t gone on pornh for a couple years. And I know what your talking about with the images too I can say for some hope that I did too when stopping and during pornh that images that I hated was in my too bit now I never do . And if there’s for me playing it safe for now till ive worked through my things if there’s sex scenes in moves that trigger me I look away and put my headphones on ect to try to remove myself from a exposure atm cause I’m not with a professional also this isn’t professional advice just my experience 💛💞

BigGyro09

Date posted: 38w

Sorry that you've also had a pretty rough experience with porn in the beginning. If you're comfortable with using those safer sites that you have found, that's great. I would just prefer to stop watching altogether.

Caitlin

Date posted: 38w

@BigGyro09 Thankyou and totally understand that🥰💛

Zoë_84

Date posted: 38w

As watching porn isn't something you want to do, when the urge to watch porn come up, you could postpone watching it. Start with 5 minutes and when the 5 minutes are up, add 5 more minutes and so on and so forth. Also, what might make you feel less bad, or not bad at all, you could read erotic stories and use your imagination instead of watching porn. Another also, when you have feelings for someone, don't let your urge to sometimes watch porn get in the way. Maybe they also like you and if you wait too long they assume you are not interested and move on.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 38w

Thank you. I really don't want to pass up the feelings I have for this person. I've even told some people I know that I trust. Maybe imagination is a good alternative for when I feel I can't stop.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 38w

Seeing those really bad images by accident is still bothering me whenever I think about it. I just hate how unregulated unfiltered search results are.

Zoë_84

Date posted: 38w

@BigGyro09 Sorry, English is not my mother tongue, what do you mean by not wanting to pass up the feelings you have for that person?

Zoë_84

Date posted: 38w

@BigGyro09 Yes, there is a lot of weird stuff out there. Even on youtube. I like true crime, especially UK formats, and for a few weeks titles with not crime, but weird sex related stuff pop up, when I search for true crime.

Caitlin

Date posted: 38w

@BigGyro09 Same here 💞💛

BigGyro09

Date posted: 38w

@Zoë_84 I mean I don't want to miss the opportunity of potentially having a real connection with this person all because I'm stuck watching porn. As you said, maybe they like me back, but regardless, all I'd want to do is get to know this person and have fun being around them, which I already do, but even more.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 38w

@Zoë_84 Not just weird, but flat out disgusting. It makes me sick when I get those kinds of things popping up. I try my best to ignore it when scrolling, but it's just way too disgusting sometimes that I just back out and I'm left in shock and uncomfortableness.

Canofbeans

Date posted: 22w

Adult content and OCD (18+)

I thought I'd gotten over sexual obsessions, since they haven't been bothering me at all until I had a flare up yesterday. I usually struggle with masturbation due to a combination of both anorgasmia from SSRI medication along with intrusive thoughts, so I thought that an adult film should work fine and went on the hub as per usual. Everything went well until I "finished" and looked at the video title afterwards. My stomach dropped as the title had the word "teen" it in. I felt nauseous and gross because I'd previously struggled and became horrifically suicidal due to the pocd I thought I had under control. Now I know that by the word teen, it means an adult actress that's 18-19 and I'm only 20. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm gross for watching and that it was illegal material, even though I am fully aware that it wasn't, so I've been ruminating over it endlessly. This is more of a vent, but I feel like all the progress I've made with my ocd just went down the drain ☹️

ughhhh

Date posted: 22w

I feel gross interacting with adult content.

18+ people with this thread please. I just want some advice from people who have experienced this. Its been almost 2 years since my real event and i can confidently say that i feel a bit better about that and my thoughts. (We still have bad moments but we recover.) but, ever since then and before, i feel nasty and gross whenever i engage or interact with adult content. Like this nasty guilt or feeling like i cant interact with it because then my ocd says “this proves that your thoughts are true and your perverse” and after i always feel empty and disgusting. Besides things like that, i read adult fan fiction sometimes or even write stories for my original characters. And yesterday i shared these stories with a close in person friend of mine. (Were both in college) and they were fine about it we laughed about it but then after i felt guilty-my brain was telling me “you traumatized her she just doesn’t wanna tell you” obliviously this isn’t true but im having a hard time believing it and this morning i woke up with a deep dread that i hurt a friend and im horrible. I can say that they’re more positive about these things then me and i think thats why we got into the conversation and i felt comfortable to share these stories but i just can’t get over it. I have a strong urge to ask for reassurance but i know it wont help. I literally have no one else to talk to about this. Ive spoken to my therapist about this guilt with adult content and we have yet to expand on it especially how it goes hand in hand with my asexuality. My therapist tells me its human to feel things like this and its ok to perform self care like that and again-im a human person its usually normal for 19 year olds to be like this especially for someone my age but i dont feel normal. I feel nasty. Does anyone else feel this way? How did you confront this guilt and how did you feel comfortable again interacting with these feelings and actions again? I dont really have a desire to do s*xual things often (im on the asexual spectrum) but when i do i dont want to feel like this. Especially when my ocd types effect it. Advice is needed and appreciated thank you for your help.

EndOCD!

Date posted: 16w

I feel so guilty

I’m worried about times when Child P*rn or suspicious porn videos have come up in the past. I tend to use Twitter for porn and it’s not the most moderated app out there but I was never looking for videos or pictures or anything related to that. Unfortunately stuff still has popped up and I’m just worried about if my reaction was perfect because I have intense POCD I want to say it’s nearly as severe as it can get so I just feel as if I remember times when something suspicious came up and I stayed for a moment to make sure I wasn’t attracted or maybe left and came back to be sure I was safe and didn’t like it and I’m afraid this counts as seeking out or engaging in illegal content that would get me in trouble. I’ve never once looked this stuff up and anyone who creates saves distributed or likes this stuff I believe deserves prison time for life but I’m just so worried that I didn’t react in the way I should’ve I’m 20 years old so I’m relatively young and I’m jus worried about what this means about me any one else deal with anything similar?

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This stuff can be so traumatizing POCD 20+ Only

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