Suicidal thoughts in challenging times

I learned about suicidal ocd alot comparing what i knew about it a year ago, and im here to help others too, but i said it before that im not completely recovered cause i see im still having fear around that topic. So dont feel like what i shared are lies, those are true things but i still have problems around this topic. I think this one got triggerd cause 2 days ago i was talking with my friends about this topic but actual suicidal ideations, and they shared their problems. They said how dark that place feels and you can look outward you just see your reality about things. Today i felt a little bit low cause i still recovering and learning, i was feeling angry and frustrated and i was listening a song by Creed, its called One last breath, im pretty sure alot of people know that song, and in the chorus the lyrics are "Im six feet from the edge and im thinking, maybe six feet aint so far down" and this triggered me then out of frustration i was thinking tge same thing, i was imagining that i have ideation about jumping out of a window or something and im keep considering that maybe its not that far to jump and it will be quick or something, and all this time it felt like im getting lost, like its not an ocd problem, its actually from being frustrated and its out of anger, and theres a problem behind this. I know a thought doesnt mean we will act on it, im not concerned about that, im more afraid and questioning why do i think about this when i feel frustrated, am i not loving myself enough? Or what is the reason it was so strong and it felt like that dark hole my friends were talking about, and i was wondering if i dont step out cause im so lost in those thoughts, what happens? Is it becomes a real problem? I wont be able to step out and see it as ocd all the time, and many times i feel like i just throw it in the ocd label and it seems like its a compulsion. So even that i learned alot i still struggle sometimes...

Suicidal OCD

djflorio

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 39w

Glad to hear you've made progress over the last year. This is a difficult thing to navigate, and any progress should be celebrated. I think the next step in your journey is to understand that what you're doing right here, in this post, is what is fueling the cycle of thought and anxiety. You're trying to rationalize the thoughts and figure out what they mean about "you." Forget about the OCD label for a bit. Forget about whether these thoughts are something you should or shouldn't be concerned about. Forget about whether or not these thoughts mean you love yourself enough. All of this is over-analyzing something that is really quite simple: you are experiencing thoughts about suicide. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. You say that these thoughts seem to arise more when you're frustrated. First off, good job for noticing the connection. Second, there's no need to analyze them any more than that. You are already aware of the pattern: when you feel frustrated, thoughts about harming yourself tend to arise more often. Again, that's it. Nothing more, nothing less. The problem comes when you try to figure out what that pattern "means." You're doing this because deep down you've linked suicidal thoughts with depression, and depression with suicide. So even though you're logically aware that the thoughts won't necessarily mean you'll act on them, you still FEEL as though they are dangerous. So when they arise, you are trying to gain control by figuring out why they're there and what they mean about you. When the thoughts arise, and you notice yourself trying to analyze them like you are here, see if you can just respond with, "I'm aware of these suicidal thoughts." You don't have to do anything about them other than recognize them. Once you acknowledge them, bring your attention to how your body feels without judgement. It will feel scary not to analyze them, and that's okay. The road to recovery is understanding that you can handle that, and that these thoughts aren't as important as you think they are.

PRIV8

Date posted: 39w

First thank you for replying to my post, as i read your text I noticed that it triggers me to accept i experience suicidal thoughts, my brain sends me the red light cause if you say to anyone that you experience suicidal thoughts, they will take it seriously. The whole topic is serious(understandable) and i have to accept that i have suicidal thoughts cause its part of recovery but its so hard to not analyze it, it feels like im abandoning myself, i dont help myself going out from this, and it seems like for that step i need to be uncertain that maybe one day will be real, so this makes me feel like okay then that means i cant go that place, i wont cause i have ocd and it always will be ocd. But then i feel like who am i that i wont ever experience that thing, that i only will have this problem. And doing this method its like im dont give myself any chance to ever realize if it was an actual problem, if theres a reason i think about suicide. As i said im afraid and it triggers me to say i experience suicidal thoughts cause then i think something is wrong. And i dont really belirve that everyone thinks about suicide when they feel frustrated or really sad, alot of people wbo do have a deeper problem, i dont say i have but sometimes i just question why it seems so close to reality cause it attach itself to the frustration and it seems real? I always feel like okay i have these thoughts, i wont act on it but i have to work on them cause they popping up for a reason...

Leo_Massie

Date posted: 24w

Constant intrusive thoughts about ending it (TW)

Starting in high school, I became very suicidal, and it became my “safety net” of all went wrong. I know it’s dark, but I was in a really bad head space and I saw suicide as my escape if I couldn’t fix my life. It got to the point where I was constantly thinking about suicide (literally every day, multiple times a day). Over the last year, I’ve gotten better and I think about it less. But then my OCD grabbed hold of it…. Now, if I do something wrong or embarrassing or if I struggle in a social situation (which is often 😅), my mind says “kys”, “jump off a bridge”, and so on. It’s like an automatic response with my OCD and it makes me so uncomfortable… I’m trying to get better. I don’t want to die. Sure, I still get pretty low, but I always push the thoughts away now instead of welcoming them like I used to. But with the intrusive thoughts being nearly constant now, it’s kind of scary. I dont know what to do to make them stop since the intrusive thoughts are just so automatic at the slightest feeling of discomfort. I have a therapist, but I dont know how to bring this up with her. I’m too nervous to even admit to suicidal thoughts, not to mention the intrusive thoughts they’ve turned into. It kind of feels like it’ll never go away.

Medicine2021_

Date posted: 14w

Suicidal OCD and harm OCD

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…

summerloveru...

Date posted: 8w

So...

I few years ago, I did self-harm a few times, and then I got super into spirituality, and about a year ago, I remembered I did self-harm and ever since haven't been able to shake the guilt off... Constantly, every day, my mind would make me feel guilty about it and think about it all day. It's like my brain knew the thought that I could/ have cut myself scared me, so it kept bringing it up. My family had no idea I had ever done this, so my OCD told me I was a liar for not telling them about every day. I was afraid that they wouldn't love me anymore and send me to a mental hospital if I told them. About 2-3 months ago, I had gotten so fed up with having these thoughts every day and confessed to my mom what I had done, and her reaction was great. And I thought I'd never have thoughts about when I did self-harm again because I finally confessed. I was wrong. Even with people telling me that it's okay, I did that, I can't shake the guilt I had around this event, and even more so the fear/guilt around my own thoughts... My therapist and I talk about how the problem isn't the thoughts but what the OCD does to them. I try to create positive neural pathways, but that just makes me more stressed about it. There are things I'm supposed to tell myself when I feel negative, but I think I get that confused and tell myself those things every time I have thoughts about what I did. Which is feeding into a mental compulsion (replacing every "bad" thought with a "good" one. What works for me is (if I can) do nothing and have the thoughts... It's been hard to get better because I have had no idea what's been happening to me and felt like for the last year I was going crazy... I always thought OCD was cleaning stuff and physical compulsions . Everything that happened to me happened in my head. On the worst days when my OCD is really bad, every single time I was conscious and aware, I was thinking about the fact that I did self-harm. I would lie in bed all day trying to figure out my thoughts because I thought if I watched TV, I would be avoiding important things. I thought I had to figure out all my thoughts. I would ruminate, replay, and second-guess all. day. long. It was hard to recognize it was OCD because I thought I had done something seriously bad and wrong, and that I must deserve these thoughts. I think the trick is that you feel like you must have positive thoughts, and the most distressing thing wasn't necessarily the fact that I did self-harm, but the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I find the best thing you can do is just have all your thoughts in your head and try not to separate them from good and bad, if you can. It's nice to have people who understand!!!! More to come, about the journey. My favorite thing to say when I'm stuck is "that sly devil... OCD. Silly OCD is getting to me right now, but it won't last forever. That sneaky guy tricked me again" Love you!!!

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Suicidal thoughts in challenging times

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