Is this a realization or its shame talking?

This year got turned around when i lost my dog of 12years. I talked about this before, its a long process, it needs time, and i start to appreciate the process. What i will share is that my dog was 12 years old, he was a german shepherd and we kept him outside inna dog cage as every person here does. He started to get bitter as he became older, one time he attacked me cause i wanted to touch his legs, so after that i had a distant relationship with him. In time we got another dog and their relationship wasnt good, and at some time i got so angry that i thought if he kills this new dog i will beat him so bad, cause i was so angry and protective of my new little dog. I dont know how others will react to this, idk if it was ocd,it was just thoughts, but im still so protective of this dog, sometimes i think if another dog would attack him and kill him i would kill that dog too...maybe other pet owners feels the same too idk... But feeling that i would beat my own dog if he kills my other dog is making my feel shame now about myself, but maybe others would think the same in that situation... However because i was afraid of him cause he attacked, i was afraid to go to his cage again,cause he attacked me there and maybe he is protective of his place, so i stopped cleaning his cage, i only gave him food and water. My dad cleaned his cage but he couldnt do it alone all the time. So one day we realized he has worms on his body,we called the vet and he took out alot of worms,but it was too late cause he had very high fever,which in his age was very dangerous... He still survived some day but then one day he was just laying and breathing in pain... so we decided we dont want him to suffer anymore... It was a very painful experience, not knowing how he feels, if he feels safe,till this day i think he was horrified and it brakes my heart... I wasnt there with him in his last years as close as i was before, and i feel like he was sad, that i was with another dog. I was there with him in his last day but i feel like that was too late...That we shouldve done more things... Today i saw on the news dogs who were not take cared well and they were sick and while i was judging the people who done this i just realized we did the same. We didnt cleaned his cage that much and thats why worms attacked him(i think) and i just think that he couldve still live if we care for him, and it feels like we killed him... Idk if this is still part of grief and its a realization, or its shame talking and i shouldnt listen to it... Either way i feel bad and i wish i could change it but i cant... Thanks for your time

Nica

Date posted: 37w

You’re correct that you cannot change what happened. It wasn’t the best situation for a German shepherd—which is a working dog—but all you can do is either 1. Do way better if you get another dog, or 2. Not adopt a dog if you cannot handle it. Pets are huge responsibilities but that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person if you don’t get a pet. On the contrary, it’s better not to. Most people shouldn’t have a dog nowadays, but they get dogs anyways.

PRIV8

Date posted: 37w

I just saw that what i wrote might be misintepreted. He wasnt locked in a cage all his life, we let him out somedays, and before he got really old we went to walks. He wasnt like a pig there, that we kept him inside,here where i live its normal that big dogs are in a cage.

PRIV8

Date posted: 37w

@PRIV8 When he was younger he was outside more, after he became old he liked to stay inside more... so when he became older we let him out every weekend.

iwanttogetbe...

Date posted: 23w

Lost a fur friend now my ocd is triggered

I’m a dog walker. I connect with dogs 5 days a week. I get very attached to my clients and their spirits. I see dogs as spirit guides and beautiful, loving animals. This week, I have lost a fur friend with whom I grew a strong bond with. All I can say is that death is sudden and I didn’t get much info about the incident. Just a few texts. I felt like John Wick when he lost his puppy, his little ball of sunshine, during dark times. I’ve been struggling to accept this dog’s death. I cried. Wrote in my journal. Tried to rest and clean. Sadly, I can’t stop thinking about what happened. I keep thinking about how I will never get to see him ever again. Signs of spring are here but I can’t enjoy them because I’m preoccupied with ruminating what could’ve possibly happened to him. I keep thinking how this sweet boy won’t be able to sit in the sun with me or smell the new flowers that are blooming. I get pissed because a week ago I saw him and everything was all fine and dandy. Life was good. Now, I’ll even search online as if I can seek answers to tell me what happened. I know I’m grieving. I just want this to be a bad joke. 😞

PRIV8

Date posted: 21w

Feeling emotions

I get alot of times that you should let yourself feel your emotions,now I kinda see the emotions i was struggling with before, and the problem might have been that i didnt let myself feel them, and i even think that thats why i experienced panic attacks. However im struggling again cause letting myself feel the emotions made me emotional and throughout the day many times i feel something that i dont know what to do with, giving them attention makes me spiral. Now its about my dog, for two days he vomitted out what he ate and now he doesnt want to eat his food, some food he does want but those are some human food that he shouldnt eat. But my mom brought chicken meat to him, he doesnt want to eat it, and she made something for him but he doesnt wants to eat that either...This makes me really sad cause im afraid i will lose him. I feel really bad when someone who i love is sick and with him its hard cause dogs cant tell you whats the problem. I have a deep sadness about it and fear and I let myself feel it but it gets so bad that it doesnt help me at all. I dont find it helpful, its just makes my day harder. Now again makes me angry if i hear someone saying you should feel all your feelings... Being aware of it, it takes your focus too, i never understood that, how you are aware of something and your focus does not move there... The bird exemple is not true for me, if i go out and hear a bird chirping either im aware of it and it takes my focus,or I enjoy it with the view, or I just notice it and then ignore it,I dont give so much attention to it. Right now birds are chirping, if i put my awarness there i notice them, but if i focus on here that im writing now, i dont notice them,i forget that birds are chirping...Its not like im aware of both... I agree that i should let myself feel more emotions cause alot of problems came there but I dont know where is the line and when im giving too much attention or when im dealing with them too much...

anonymousgg

Date posted: 15w

Do I deserve to be forgiven? TW animal a***

When I was a child 7-10, I had this wonderful dog. I loved him so much. However sometimes, I would hit him out of either anger or because I liked the way he would lick my hand to say 'sorry'. At age 13, my OCD sparked up badly. I had no idea what it was, but I would bully him. Badly. He was never hurt, but he was agitated. Then I found some kittens and saved them just after turning 14. I let them stay in my room with me for a few weeks to help them. One very early morning, however, they raged me so bad that I began hitting them nonstop. They didn't cry, nor do run away. Hell, all of my pets were never ever scared of me. They loved me for some reason. For so long I've been doing my best to help animals and adore my pets, and I've sworn to never EVER hurt an animal again. I love them so much. I remember though I would never hit them so hard to make them cry out, because I've been inflicting the way I hit them onto my arms and thighs to see how bad it hurt, and gladly, it didn't really hurt. Stung a bit, at most, but doesn't make what I did anymore okay. Do I deserve my babies anymore? Do I deserve to even live? I feel so ashamed and I don't want to use my OCD as an excuse, nor say that maybe I was traumatised because of it because people have been through worse than me, so I don't want to compare. Any small comment will do, thank you for reading

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Is this a realization or its shame talking?

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